International Day of the Girl means many things to many people. One important aspect of this day is that it’s a reminder, much like a movement alarm on a fitness band, to pause ad appreciate ourselves. We’re strong, and we’re worthy because we are here. 

Disregarded and abused in some way by so many people who should have loved her, Catie’s self-concept has been crushed. She can’t see her own worth. Her new colleague and friend Marcy sees it. All that Catie has survived, all that she has become–mother, caregiver to children orphaned or abandoned or delivered to daycare by loving parents off to work, devout Greek Catholic buoyed by her faith, selfless weaver, supportive friend–Marcy believes has made Catie a true, real-life Wonder Woman. Catie thinks Marcy is ridiculous. 

The idea of creating happiness can sound absurd when you’re facing hardship. Sometimes, life makes people want to stop, turn around, and retreat to bed indefinitely. This can make a whole lot of sense, because life can be incredibly stressful. A burdensome struggle, even. No one is exempt from times of hardship. Further, sometimes people deal with extra challenges such as mental illness, abuse, trauma, loss, and more. How do you—how does anyone—keep from retreating? How do you smile and even find happiness in the face of strife? 

Anxious. Unsettled. Uneasy. Agitated. Frustrated. Tense. Racing thoughts. Obsessive thoughts. Rumination. Headache. Heartburn. Chest pain. Lump in your throat. Clenched jaw.

This list could continue on and on. And it does continue within us. These are some of the things we can experience when we’re anxious. There’s a way to deal with being anxious both right now and going forward. 

While I’m not one to tell people what to do, I will say this anyway: You need to celebrate stuff every day. Intentionally seeking things to celebrate on a daily basis increases your sense of wellbeing and your life satisfaction. Finding or creating things to celebrate, even if they are minuscule, is a way of making a good life lived in moments (as opposed to chaotic chunks). Identify the good and taking a moment (or multiple moments) to celebrate it shifts your perspective in a positive direction and infuses your life with a sense of meaning. 

Wellbeing and mindfulness aren’t just for retreats, spas, and other calm environments. Quite the opposite is true, in fact. While placing yourself in a soothing environment, like sitting in a favorite room in the morning while enjoying a cup of tea, is important for calming mind and body, the power of mindfulness can be fully experienced in the midst of chaos. 

Among the many types of freedom, mental freedom is perhaps the most important of all. Every year in early July, the United States celebrates Independence Day. Many nations joyfully observe their own independence at various times throughout the year. Regardless of where one lives, an independence day is a day that celebrates freedom from unwanted control. The significance of this day goes far deeper than the political realm and touches each and every one of us on a personal level of being and impacts our mental freedom and wellbeing. .

To live well and embrace a life of wellbeing, we need to experience mental freedom. When we feel as though we are under the control of anxiety, depression, trauma, eating disorders, brain injury, toxic relationships, or so much more, we often feel caged. Our mental health and happiness suffer. Just as entire nations have broken free from unwanted control, so can we as individuals who want to live quality lives. 

Today is Memorial Day.

For many, it marks the beginning of summer. Some schools have already dismissed, the academic year officially over. It’s the unofficial first camping weekend of the season. It’s a day of picnics and barbeques, of gardening—planting and nurturing vegetables and fruits that will nourish us in the moment and through the next seasons as well as planting beautiful flowers to appreciate and enjoy mindfully.

Memorial Day weekend—the weekend, not the “Day”—is this, yes. The dedicated day, however, is beyond this. Today is a day that we remember, honor, and appreciate soldiers who sacrificed their lives standing for the freedom they valued for everyone. It began in 1865 at the end of the Civil War and continues today as an honor those who have continued to preserve our way of life for 153 years and counting. 

To appreciate beauty, to be able to pause, take in the world around you, and enjoy the myriad beautiful things around you is empowering. Appreciating beauty is many things at once. It is a:

• character strength, something inherent within us that we can develop and use to enhance our lives and the lives of others
• mindfulness technique to rein in your thoughts and attention to the here-and-now
• grounding experience that connects you to the physical world (versus the realm of your thoughts and emotions)

By doing the simple act of savoring splendor, you stop your anxious thoughts, worries, stressors, depression, all mental health challenges, and physical health struggles. Certainly, these problems don’t automatically stop and retreat forever when you pause to appreciate beauty. It would be nice, but it doesn’t work that directly. What happens when you pause and appreciate beauty is that you experience a shift in focus and perspective. What happens, though, when it’s hard to find something beautiful to appreciate? 

Mindfulness. What, exactly, is it? We hear the term often, yet there is much about mindfulness that remains a mystery. Beyond living in the present moment, what is this practice we call mindfulness?

May 15th, the middle of Mental Health Awareness Month, is the first day that the physical copy of The Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety is available. Whether you’re catching this on the launch day or far past it, mindfulness is relevant. The more we know (I’m always learning), the better we can use it to decrease anxiety or other challenges and cultivate our lives of wellbeing. 

Social anxiety prevents us from fully living our lives. All anxiety does this, of course, but social anxiety does a particularly good job of blocking our movements along the path to our quality life. This anxiety disorder is more of a spectrum of experiences than it is one single form of anxiety. It ranges from shyness (which isn’t a diagnosable disorder) on the mildest end of the spectrum to avoidant personality disorder (this one is so pervasive that it’s categorized as a personality disorder rather than an anxiety disorder.

Social Anxiety Isolates the Real You

“In response to human interaction, either I clam up and can barely speak, or I click into intellectual mode so I can explain something and be done. Idiot.” —Brian Cunningham in My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel. 

Social anxiety gets in the way of our human interaction, which includes our interaction with others and with ourselves (because despite how it feels sometimes, we are human and we interact with ourselves.)  It involves the fear of judgement; a lack of self-efficacy, that inability to believe in ourselves and capabilities; the habit of overthinking every component of every interaction; a very unhealthy dose of negative, harsh self-talk which of course only fuels the anxiety. 

Mindfulness enhances wellbeing. It equips us to deal with what we don’t want, such as problems we don’t have much control over. It also allows us to drastically reduce things that are disrupting our lives, such as anxiety. Pictures reach us and teach us through our visual sense. A photo gallery can bring mindfulness to us aesthetically and show us useful tips for a mindful lifestyle. One that is a collective resource where we all share tips that work for us is a way for everyone to grow. So let’s do it!

For me, mindfulness is something that has helped, and continues to help, me create a quality life, and I’ve worked with wonderful people and have seen mindfulness let them improve their lives. Mindfulness proved to be a calming and empowering tool for students in a school for homeless and runaway adolescents where I worked as the teacher and counselor. It even helped a four-year-old boy in foster care when I was his play therapist. 

I love that Mental Health Awareness Month is in May. It’s the height of spring, and flowers are in bloom, leaves are unfurling, and birds are soaring as they build their nests. Signs of life abound when we tune in mindfully to enjoy them. May is the perfect metaphor for mental health (note that the representative color is even green).

Just as the earth is waking up and creating itself anew, so, too, can we. It’s what mental health and wellbeing are all about. This is an ongoing process and spans across all months, but Mental Health Awareness Month shines sunlight on the process on purpose, a reminder that we can take charge of ourselves and our wellbeing. We live an ever flowing journey of creating ourselves anew. 

To celebrate mental health awareness month, join the fun and win one of six books in the 2018 mental health book giveaway. Why celebrate Mental Health Awareness Month? Because mental health and wellbeing are something to celebrate. Mental health means many things, but it can be summarized thus:

Mental health and wellbeing mean creating a quality life and embracing en-JOY-ment right now, despite problems and struggles big and small. 

Your life well-lived is something to celebrate. Mental Health Awareness Month is something to rejoice. I’m honoring the month (and beyond) in a couple of ways:

• With my new website
• With a mental health book giveaway

Earth day is a wonderful day because it’s about health. As a global society, we intentionally recognize the Earth and the good things it does for all life. This day is a reminder that we’re all in this together, that this planet is for all of us. Together, we all benefit from its health. Together, we all suffer from its illness. Taking this day to connect with the Earth and to thank it for all it does for us is a powerful, positive thing to do. Something incredibly important to remember on Earth Day and every day is how deeply connected to, even dependent upon our planet we are for our mental health and wellbeing.

Below you’ll find some of the myriad ways you can connect with nature every day to boost your wellbeing and life satisfaction. Which ones do you already do? What do you want to add anew or do more of? 

Anxious thoughts are annoying at best and quite damaging to our mental health and wellbeing at worst. Part of the problem with these worries, fears, and what-ifs is the fact that once they form, they stick. It’s as if they’re covered in oozing tree sap so when they pop into your mind, they don’t leave. When we try to shake them of, they tighten their hold. When we try to argue them away, they grow because we’re giving them our full attention. We are focusing on all of our anxieties, and they stick together, growing larger and larger and threatening to consume us. Plain and simple, anxious thoughts are sticky so they don’t go away. It can seem as though we’ll never be able to loosen them. That is a common thought/feeling borne out of the frustrations of anxiety. It’s also false. You can remove your sticky thoughts. Mindfulness is a powerfully effective way to do it. 

Several years ago, when my anxiety was stuck in its intense phase, I decided to give mindfulness, the act and state of being of living fully in the present moment rather than stuck inside our mind, another try. Yes, another try. In my quest for the holy grail, that one thing that would miraculously poof away all of my social anxiety and generalized anxiety, I had tried many things many times. Mindfulness as a technique for soothing so many things, including anxiety, is something that was and continues to be hailed as effective in decreasing anxiety. 

Mindfulness receives quite a bit of attention. Rightly so, for it is a vital part of the ongoing journey of a life of mental health and wellbeing.

I’ve practiced mindfulness for over a decade. I was first introduced to the concept when I was hospitalized in a behavioral health center following a traumatic brain injury. Since then, it’s become a key element in my mental health and wellbeing, and it’s allowed me to both reduce anxiety and live well in spite of any residual anxiety or anxiety flares.

Mindfulness is so much more than trying to find time in our busy schedules to sit and meditate. In fact, while sitting meditation and mindfulness can go hand and hand, mindfulness doesn’t have to look like that at all. 

Sometimes, life—our inner world, outer world, or both—is drab, dull, lackluster. When that happens, create happiness anyway. Carry your own colors with you.
Every March 20th, the world celebrates International Day of Happiness. This is just one of 365 days in a year that we can choose to embrace happiness in our lives and to spread happiness around us in a world that seem to need it now more than ever.

Ah, there’s the thing. We face personal struggles: physical health, mental health, financial health, relationship health, and more. The world is unhealthy in many ways, too. Has “happiness” become extinct, no longer anything more than an artificial construct in a psychology research lab?

Happily (and I use the word intentionally), the answer is an emphatic no. To see why happiness is alive and well and in reach of everyone, it helps to know a couple things about what happiness is and what it is not. 

In the aftermath of a traumatic brain injury (TBI), life can feel chaotic. There is so much to sort out, and doing so isn’t easy. By knowing what losses TBI brings, we can take action to turn loss into opportunity.
TBI can affect people more profoundly than (almost) any other injury. It can impact our physical and mental wellness, who we think we are, how we think, how we feel, how we act, and what we do. The brain is our control center, and when it is injured, we feel much of the damage in the form of loss. 

Sometimes, the best way to overcome our mental health challenges is to, rather than focusing on the problem(s), turn away from them. Shifting our focus and perspective can empower us to transcend, to rise above, any problem we face.

Perhaps a clarification is in order before going forward: Changing focus isn’t about avoiding or ignoring or even getting rid of problems. Avoiding, I learned from my own life experiences as well as through working with others, tends to make problems bigger. Fighting problems to make them disappear doesn’t work, either. Some things, such as mental illness, brain injury, and chronic health problems, don’t fully disappear. 

Communication is a vital part of wellbeing, mental health, and a quality life. The single word, though—communication—can be complex, difficult, and overwhelming. Communicating is deeper than talking. Communication is words, and it’s more than words, and it is vital for wellbeing and life satisfaction. 

Avoidance is a common human behavior that has good intentions but can spiral out of control until, before we realize it, we’re trapped, boxed in by anxiety and blocked from fully living (see What is Avoidance Doing to You?) Avoidance is fear- and anxiety-based. Whether we avoid one situation, such as making or taking phone calls, or almost every situation, such as anything that takes us out of the house, we are letting anxiety limit our lives.

Is “letting” the right word? Do we actively permit anxiety to cause avoidance? Of course we don’t actively invite anxiety and avoidance into our lives. The vast majority of people who are plagued by avoidance, including avoidance in its most extreme form—avoidant personality disorder—do not want to avoid and are not actively choosing it. The problem is this: avoidance, once started, quickly takes over thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It looks like this:

Recently, I had the privilege of appearing on HealthyPlace’s Facebook Live show. Host Emily Roberts, aka Guidance Girl Em (amazing!) and I talked about anxiety. (If you missed it live, catch the recording.) During the live show, audience members asked questions, and some of the questions were about mental hospitals, including what they’re like and how to know when you need one. 

Avoidance is a behavior that is hardwired into us. It’s an instinctive reaction (think: fight-or-flight response, specifically the “flight” part) that in theory keeps us safe from danger. And sometimes avoidance, or flight, does just that. When we avoid walking across dark parking lots alone at night (whether we’re male or female, young or old), we keep ourselves out of risk of significant danger. What happens, though, when our brain tells us there is danger lurking here or there, and we avoid good things because of it? 

Someone recently submitted a question for the Wellbeing & Words Q&A show that is quite likely something we all struggle with: How to make sure we take time for wellbeing during our busy days. 

It’s perhaps surprising, but true: the idea of reducing stress can actually cause anxiety rather than alleviate it. We do have legitimate reasons for clinging to stress despite wanting relief from it. Sometimes the mere idea of relaxing causes anxiety because we’re afraid that our performance will decline or that seeking stress relief will cause us to be judged as weak. Stress can come to be a badge of honor, too. High degrees of stress can show the world, and ourselves, how much we are achieving or how much we care about loved ones, and more. 

Our wellbeing—physical, mental, and the rest of the package that embodies who we are at our very core—is a lifelong journey. We make changes and choices that gradually increase it, and we take action to maintain it. Wellbeing isn’t a one-time deal. There are no shortcuts to wellbeing, mental health, and physical health. 

Wellbeing is perhaps one of the most important concepts for our lives. It encompasses so much: physical health, mental health, balance, energy to live with purpose and intention are among the important aspects of wellbeing. Wellbeing is the ability to create, maintain, and enjoy a quality life according to your values and definition of such a life. Positive psychologists call this life worth living.
We can all create a quality life of wellness. It starts small, in moments, and from there gently and naturally ripples outward. It starts by taking deliberate purposeful action to make great moments in your day, every single day.
One way to do this is to know your passions, those things that both energize and calm, that shift anxious, stressed, and other negative thoughts away from rumination and onto what brings you happiness. One of my own passions is reading. When I get lost in a story, my daily aggravations melt into the background. Reading enhances wellbeing.

Mindfulness, Reading, & Wellbeing

Sometimes the human brain doesn’t cooperate well when we’d like to tame our thoughts and concentrate on something like a good book. Mindfulness is a mental health and wellbeing tool that lets you take purposeful action to shift the focus of your thoughts. No longer do you have to fight with thoughts that keep running back to your stresses and challenges.
With mindfulness, you use all of your senses to turn your thoughts back to where you are right now, in this moment. Mindfulness lets you show up for your life, and of course for your reading breaks. It’s a way to get into books and stories more than ever.
Mindfulness means using your senses (sight, hearing, touch, smell, and sometimes taste) to connect with the moment. Using this idea to create your dream reading space is a fun way to enhance your reading experience and live fully in each reading moment you make.
I was recently asked to participate in something fun. I was invited to create a vision for my perfect reading room because

Reading is an amazing way to unwind and relax. When you have a love for literature, you spend so much time curled up with a good book, which calls for the perfect reading space!

What a great way to capture the essence of reading! I couldn’t agree more. I’ve enjoyed putting this post together. It’s a way of sharing reading love with all of the bookworms out there who are also interested in enhancing their wellbeing. (Of course reading enhances wellbeing. Adding mindfulness and an enjoyable, relaxing setting makes it even better.)

My Ideal Reading Room: A Mindfully Bookish Experience

I want my reading space to be cozy, comfortable, and inviting. I also want it to be pleasing and enjoyable to me, so when I was thinking about my vision for my ideal reading room, I didn’t worry about creating a staged room that would look beautiful in a magazine. The room, after all, is for me rather than magazine readers. This concept is important in all that we do. Whether you’re creating a relaxing reading space or picking out your next book to read, do what brings you joy.
My perfect reading place is visually appealing. The look of it is calming, and there are many things I can be visually mindful of when I’m here.
• Books on the shelves, in drawers—on display and readily available to read
• Plants
• Light and airy – natural light by day, pendant light (pictured above) and candles by night; I love pendants because they hang right over my book and provide just the right amount of glow to read by without blinding me. (I’d like to give a quick shout-out to arhaus.com because they’re donating 10 per cent of their pendant light sales to Global Dental Relief).

An ideal reading space for me is also comfortable and pleasant to be in. Everything in the room encourages me to use my sense of touch to ground me in the moment:
• A chaise lounge to stretch out on with fabric that is pleasing to touch
• A beanbag to sink into when I want to change positions
• Blankets for warmth and comfort
• Piles of pillows to arrange under me, around me, and on top of me to support my book as I read

In mindfulness, our sense of smell is important, too. My reading room contains a scented oil diffuser to fill the room with scents that support physical and mental health. Inhaling them as I read enhances the entire reading room experience.
Sound is important in grounding us for stress relief, too. What better way to get it in a reading room than with the books themselves. One of my favorite sounds is the sound of book pages. Have you ever held a book up to your ear and listened as you thumbed the pages, letting them rub against your thumb? It’s a neat sound, part amusing, part soothing, and part comforting knowing that you’re truly connected to books.
I also want to use my sense of taste to keep me rooted in my reading experience. Tea does the trick nicely!

The only downside to my ideal cozy reading room is that it could be hard to leave. Relaxing, reading, and being mindful of my moments would be wonderful. What about you? What is your vision for the perfect space to tuck into and read? Comment below. Having a reading space is one part of making great moments in your day.

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Books are our good buddies, and reading them boosts our wellbeing. Reading lets us escape and de-stress, and it adds positivity and enjoyment to our daily lives, helping us live a quality life, or as positive psychologists call it, a life worth living.
It’s the small things we do every day that add up to big results, such as the ability to reduce stress, anxiety, depression, negative thoughts, and more, and—the key—to replace those things with mental and physical health.
Books are among those small-but-big things. Here are five ways that reading enhances wellbeing:

Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities. (I never share e-mail addresses with anyone.) 

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Join me on the Wellbeing & Words Q&A show. Have questions or topics for the show? Submit them here:
 
Contact me:

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a cruel disorder to live with. It involves obsessions, repeated thoughts that cause sometimes-unbearable anxiety. To tame the fierce anxiety and get the thoughts to stop, or at least slow, someone with OCD often performs patterned behavior, or compulsions.
These obsessions and compulsions alone are cruel, but adding to the pain of OCD is the fact that most people with OCD know that the anxiety and fear are disproportionate to the situation and are even rather irrational. They know it intellectually, but the brain goes into freak-out mode anyway. Physical and emotional responses escalate, even when the intellectual part of the brain tries to reason with the anxiety.
The nature of OCD makes treatment difficult and frustrating. That doesn’t mean, however, that OCD can’t be treated. It can. Successfully.

Treatment & Help for OCD

The two treatments that research has shown to be effective for reducing obsessions and compulsions so people can live a full life are medication and a specific type of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) called exposure response prevention (ERP). According to the International OCD Foundation, about 70 percent of people seeking treatment for OCD benefit from medication and/or ERP.
ERP involves exposure to those things (in both your inner- and outer worlds) that trigger anxiety and fear. You face them, experience them, accept their presence and notice the increasing anxiety you feel. The response prevention component involves making a choice, a commitment, to be with the anxiety without engaging in a compulsive behavior in an attempt to relieve the anxiety.
Does ERP sound just a tad intimidating? That’s because it is. It goes against all human instinct to purposely expose yourself to a trigger then choose to do nothing about it. (Well, you’re not doing “nothing.” You’re learning how to face it and reduce the degree to which it bothers you. You’re just not succumbing to your compulsions.)
ERP is done with support, especially at first. Expecting you to expose yourself to a distressing thought, situation, place, object, etc. with no help through it would be as cruel, if not more so, than OCD itself. Support is as important as the exposure and the response prevention components of ERP. (Maybe it should be called SERP or ERPS.)

Why is Support so Important in OCD treatment?

A little story will illustrate the importance of support during ERP treatment. In the book My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel, Brian Cunningham is a man who, while he doesn’t have OCD, suffers from debilitating anxiety. He begins to see a therapist, who mentions that they’ll eventually engage in exposure therapy. A situation arises that makes him decide to try exposure on his own, at a crowded grocery store.
When I pull into Albertson’s I sit in my car for what feels like a long time and just stare at the building. The doors keep sliding open and shut, like a monster’s maw, sucking shoppers in and spitting them out. There are so many people. Before I can leave my vehicle, I have to breathe into one of my paper bags. I have to keep shoving the bag down when people walk close to my car so they don’t see me lamely hyperventilating into a bag. Finally, my breathing approaches normal and I can enter the store. The moment I step inside, I regret attempting this experiment.
Brian has an extensive panic attack that lands him in his therapist’s office for an emergency session. This is part of their conversation:
“You mentioned last time that we’d do exposure therapy and in vivo therapy, so I was trying it and failed.”
Even though everything is liquid, I can see her smile. “We’ll do those things because they are effective, but it’s far too early. We need to take this one small step at a time.”
Brian went out on his own and purposely exposed himself to triggers. This increased his already intense anxiety, and if he had OCD, it would likely have led him to do the compulsions rather than resisting them.
It would be great if everyone with OCD (or with anxiety disorders like Brian) had a therapist constantly with them. Too bad it’s not possible. But wait! Maybe it is.

Enter nOCD into Effective OCD Treatment

nOCD isn’t a therapist, but it is an excellent support and treatment tool for OCD. It’s an app, so it can be with you at all times, whether you use a smartphone or smartwatch.
You create structured, daily ERP plans (this app is yours; OCD is different for everyone, and treatment should be, too). You use proven exposure response prevention therapy to decrease your symptoms, and you use it with your therapist for feedback and support. Your nOCD app also gathers your data so you can see what is working best and what needs adjusting.
nOCD was developed by people with OCD who know what it’s like, who know how obsessive thoughts and anxieties caused by those thoughts as well as by external triggers can severely limit your life. The developers know how the compulsions can be so time-consuming that you miss import things that you really don’t want to miss.
The creators of nOCD know, too, that treatment is possible and that ERP can be successful with the right structure and support. Thus nOCD was born. It’s your mobile treatment and support app to help you live free and well. The cost of the app? Nothing! It’s free in order to give people access to this OCD treatment technology.
Check it out, and download it. Take charge of your treatment! (If Brian Cunningham had had this, he might have been better able to deal with his grocery shopping experience.)
 
 

 
 

A DID switch, a dissociation in which a different personality emerges and takes the place of the dominant one, can be painful and bewildering.

Now an excruciating pain spread across his forehead, behind his eyes, and radiated sharp fingers toward the back of his brain. He staggered back against the counter and tried to massage it away. His vision blurred, and he had to close his eyes. He opened them, blinked, and looked around. He began to shake his head. (Excerpt from the novel Twenty-Four Shadows)

The sudden pain, change of vision, and closing and re-opening his eyes signal one of Isaac Bittman’s DID switches.
Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a confusing, frustrating mental illness. Someone who lives with DID has within him or her a number of alternate personalities, also called alters or parts. The alters are legitimate identities in their own right, with unique interests, abilities, traits, gender, sexual orientation, and more.
The different identities, who can number from two to hundreds, form in the person’s childhood in response to severe abuse. They emerge throughout life, taking over the main personality and causing perplexing problems and situations. Switches originally happen as a defense mechanism to protect the child from horrible abuse; the child dissociates to escape from an unbearable situation, and a different personality emerges in his/her place. Once he or she grows up and the abuse is no longer a threat, why do switches continue to occur?

No. This couldn’t be. They weren’t really firing him. It just didn’t make any sense. He didn’t miss work the way they were accusing. He didn’t. He came to work. He didn’t miss. He was confused. Heavy guilt joined the rest of his thoughts and feelings, stomping from his mind down to his heart and kicking hard against it. What about his family? He couldn’t lose his job. The room was slanting and spinning, nauseating him. He didn’t know how to convince them or change their minds, but he needed to. His stress level was rising rapidly, and he was struck across his entire forehead with one of his searing headaches. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
When he opened them, he took off his glasses so he could see better and tucked them carefully into his shirt pocket. To make himself more comfortable, he slid down in the chair a little into a bit of a slouched and crossed his right ankle over his left knee. He studied the two people who sat across from him looking so somber. He extended his arms, palms up, and then shrugged. He grinned broadly. “Hey, c’mon, guys. What the heck? It’s me!” He thumbed himself lightly on the chest. “I ain’t got a clue what y’all are talking about, but surely we can make this right.” (Excerpt from Twenty-Four Shadows)
Isaac had just switched again.

In DID, What Triggers a Switch?

In both of the above passages from the novel Twenty-Four Shadows, Isaac is experiencing a switch. Every single time he switches, he’s going about his life when one of his alters takes over. Isaac recedes and a different part emerges. A big question Isaac has is why?
Isaac to his psychiatrist: I’m really sorry. It’s just that I don’t understand this at all.
Dr. Charlie: It’s okay. The experts don’t fully understand it yet, either, but we’ve figured out a lot and we’re constantly learning more. The human brain is so complex that we’ve only just begun to understand it. We do know that it’s strong and it does what it takes to survive.
It’s true. There is so much yet to be learned about DID, including what triggers a switch. Experts continually seek to answer those questions. So far, they’ve figured out some things about why people switch between alternate identities. Switches can be triggered by

• Stress When someone is under duress, one of his/her alters often emerges to help, to ease tension or pain, to solve a problem, or give the primary personality a break.
• Memories For all of us, memories can evoke strong feelings, and for people living with DID, they can trigger switches.
• Strong emotions A sudden onset of emotion, either positive or negative, can cause alters to take the dominant spot in the personality system.
• Sensory input Sights, sounds, smells, textures, and tastes can lead to switches between parts.

 
In looking at things that trigger switches in people who have DID, something important is evident: Every single one of these elements is something that can cause strong reactions in all of us, whether or not we live with DID.
People with DID live with a very difficult challenge that was caused by severe childhood abuse. They are triggered by the same things other people are; the difference is that for them, the trigger leads to dissociation and different identities coming forth to live in the world for a while. Switches are stress reactions that cause different parts of a single human being to emerge.
The movie Split, released in early 2017 features a man living with DID and highlights his switches. While some of this fictitious psychological thriller is quite unrealistic, the talented lead actor does an outstanding job of portraying DID switches. For more on the movie and to help decide whether it’s worth your time, check out these posts:

What the Movie ‘Split’ Got Right (and Wrong)

‘Split’ and Dissociative Identity Disorder: The Good, the Bad, and the Weird

What does it feel like to be Isaac Bittman? Check out this short preview.
 
Do you have a question about mental health or mental illness or a topic you’d like to hear about? Use the contact form below to submit it (put Q&A in the subject line), and I’ll address it on the Wellbeing&Words Q&A show on YouTube.

Subscribe to my monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words

 

The school year is underway. Classes have begun, students are learning, and ideally, there’s a concerted effort among schools, home life, and other support systems to help students build academic success. Academics are important, but they’re not the only part of school. Our kids, no matter their grade, deal with an entire world of people and situations that impact their emotional health and wellbeing.
A child’s daily school experience involves learning, and it involves navigating the world of peers, teachers, other adults, expectations and routines that vary from classroom to classroom, lunchroom norms, playground dynamics, and more.
What’s often hard for parents is the fact that we can’t control much of what our kids experience during their school day. What parents can do, however, is to help their children create, fill, and maintain a school supply list for an emotionally healthy school year.

What, Exactly, Does Emotionally Healthy Mean for Kids and Teens?

Life isn’t perfect. School isn’t perfect. To be emotionally healthy doesn’t mean a child feels only happiness or other positive emotions. To be emotionally healthy means that a child (anyone, actually) is resilient, bouncing back from all of the bumps and potholes, and experiences wellbeing in spite of those bumps and potholes.
It’s sad but true: parents can’t control much of what their kids experience. Happy and true: parents can impact how their kids handle what comes their way every day at school. How? These supply-list concepts can help you help your child:
Help kids and teens identify and understand their emotions. Emotions are complex and can be difficult to understand. When kids’ can’t identify their emotions, the emotions become incredibly overwhelming and even harder to handle. Observe their body language, tone of voice, and content of their words, and reflect it back to them in a neutral, non-judgmental way. This will help them develop words for what they feel. When they can articulate their feelings, they begin to have power over them as opposed to letting the emotions control them. This leads to emotional intelligence and emotional regulation, both essential for emotional health.
 
Work with them to monitor their emotions and then choose thoughts. It’s common for kids to catastrophize, taking a bad experience and super-sizing it so that it encompasses everything in their world. For example, a child or teen who is shunned by a friend quite commonly will think that everyone hates him. When you notice this type of thinking, help him identify her emotions, and then help him put her thoughts in perspective. Have him name one person who was nice to him that day, and build from there. Helping kids and teens notice how their emotions are shaping their thoughts, and then helping them question their thoughts and look for other evidence is a very important part of helping them develop emotional health.
 
Allow kids to empower themselves through their actions. Emotional health involves three key principles: feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Kids can’t always control what will happen to them. They can, however, control what they do about it. Even the youngest elementary school student can begin to learn—and use—this lesson. The first step is item one on the school-supply list; kids need to learn to identify their emotions. Next comes monitoring both emotions and thoughts. With this awareness comes the ability to act. Help kids understand that they have a choice in how they behave. A crucial message for emotional health is you can’t always control how others act, but you can control how you react.
 
The positive. Help kids find the positive every day. I tell people, whether it was my students, it’s my own children, or it’s adults in my life, to make great moments in their day. “Have a good day” isn’t very empowering. Teaching your kids that they can make great moments in their day sends important messages; it tells them that they are in control of making their day great—they’re not dependent upon things they can’t control—and it tells them that even though an entire day might not be great, the day will have positive, great moments. This is a very important perspective for emotionally healthy kids.
 
An emotionally healthy child or teen views life realistically and positively. An emotionally healthy child or teen thrives in school, both academically and socially, despite problems. Creating an emotionally healthy school year means that you and your son or daughter are creating strategies for dealing with problems, keeping the problems separate from the self, and focusing on the positive. This, as much as anything else, is part of the foundation for life success.

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Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a life experience beyond a penchant for neatness, beyond lots of hand washing. It’s a mental health disorder involving racing, obsessive thoughts and repetitive, ritualistic actions taken to counter those thoughts. OCD can be life limiting and debilitating.
Knowing what OCD is, the facts and the symptoms of it, is very helpful. It increases understanding, which leads to healing. Knowing a list of symptoms, though, stops a bit short. It helps us understand the disorder, but it doesn’t help us to fully understand the people living with OCD.
It’s important to humanize OCD and to increase understanding and empathy. To do that, it’s necessary to know not just what OCD is, but what it is like. To develop this understanding, I’ve sought information from people who live with OCD, read their words, and watched vlogs.
Patrick, a man who lives with OCD, shares what it’s like for him:

I’ve found that OCD is a shapeshifting condition– whatever matters to me most in my life will become the target of all my anxious thinking. This makes it especially difficult, because you’re never able to leave it behind. Wherever you go, whatever new things you add to your life, it’ll be there, knocking on your door. It took me a long time to realize that the only way out of this tangled mess was to focus less on the content of the thoughts and more on the patterns they were adhering to. By noticing these patterns and refusing to let them dictate how I would make decisions in my own life, I started to feel a bit more like myself again. But there are still difficult points in every day, especially because a lot of my intrusive thoughts emerge during or after social interaction: did I do something wrong? Did I harm that person somehow? Maybe I should apologize. But no, I must not apologize!

Life with OCD: Common Themes

In gathering information from people like Patrick who live with OCD, themes and patterns emerge that consistently capture what it’s like to live with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

• Thoughts! Thoughts! Thoughts! Intrusive thoughts, thoughts that people neither choose nor want, run incessantly through the mind and have been described as a broken record.
• Constant, unrelenting mental discomfort. Ever-present negative thoughts create urges to do something to get rid of them, and this discomfort won’t up until this something, this compulsion, is acted upon. But relief is temporary at best because of thoughts! Thoughts! Thoughts!
• Lost and wasted time that you can’t get back. Obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions can take hours or longer, robbing people of living life in ways that they’d rather.
• Physical sensations. Many describe a prickly feeling on the skin, a tightness in the body, a vibrating “hum” in the body, or more that accompany the obsessions and/or compulsions.
• Fatigue. Constantly battling overwhelming, negative thoughts and undergoing rituals to try to ward them off is exhausting.
• Lack of control. Overwhelmingly, people who describe what it’s like to live with OCD talk about feeling like they have no control over who they are or what they think or how they live their lives. The thoughts overtake them, making even small daily pleasures that others take for granted, like watching TV or reading, impossible. When the thoughts that run through your mind aren’t your own and won’t go away, it’s not only exhausting but frightening.
• Fear. That feeling of not being in control of the thoughts in your mind? People report that that is scary. Terrifying. Then of course there’s the content of the negative thoughts. The thoughts that come, unbidden, into the mind and stick there, are often disturbing to the person they’re consuming.

Does OCD mean Out of Control for the Duration of Life?

OCD is indeed controlling and life-limiting. It doesn’t have to forever remain that way. YA book author John Green, who lives with OCD, tells us that

It can be difficult to get effective treatment, but there is hope, even in your brain tells you there isn’t. The vast majority of mental illness is treatable, and lots of people with chronic mental health problems have fulfilling and vibrant lives.

One tool that is incredibly helpful in treating OCD is an app called nOCD. It uses ERP, exposure response prevention, to help people regain their control. ERP, along with CBT, are the two therapeutic approaches proven by research to help people with OCD. The app, nOCD is customizable so users can tailor it to their own needs for maximum effectiveness. It’s a great supplement to therapy, and it’s completely free. You can download it here.
OCD robs people of their control over their minds, their actions, their time, and their lives. Happily, OCD is treatable, and people can thrive.
 
 
Further reading & sources:

• What OCD is Like (for Me) — a vlog episode by John Green
• 17 Quotes That Prove OCD Is so Much More Than Being Neat
• What OCD Feels Like: Being Absolutely Uncertain
• Here’s What It’s Really Like to Have Obsessive=Compulsive Disorder

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Questions about mental health and wellbeing are normal. We all have them because we all want to overcome obstacles to live well and thrive. Question and answer forums can help us sort things out.
For this reason, I’ve launched the weekly Wellbeing & Words Q&A Show on YouTube. I also write novels, stories that show characters—representative of real-life people—dealing with mental health challenges or loved ones that have such challenges. These stories can answer questions you might have and address topics you need or want to know about.
Bringing the characters and stories to life not just in the books but here on the Wellbeing & Words blog can address common questions, too. Here, characters have a chance to explore questions and concerns and to share them with you.
Today’s question comes from Brian Cunningham, protagonist of My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel. At age 37, he’s seeing a therapist for the first time in his life (he doesn’t want to do so, but his mother made the appointment). He has debilitating anxiety and would like help, but he’s nervous and afraid. When at his first appointment his therapist, Dr. Beth Greene, wants him to take an test, he has concerns.

Why Do Therapists Use Tests and Inventories?

Part of therapy can involve the use of assessments, especially at first so therapists can learn more about the client and the symptoms he is experiencing. This helps focus treatment. Naturally, many people are nervous about the idea of being tested, including Brian.
Brian: Is it a test?
Dr. Greene: It’s an assessment, so kind of. I hate to think of it as a test, though, because unlike tests, this doesn’t have right or wrong answers. It’s technically called an inventory because that’s more accurate. It’s a record of traits that apply to you. Every single person is different, with unique traits. This inventory helps people identify and understand them.
Brian: Yet again, I don’t know what to think. It’s reassuring to know there are no right or wrong answers, although I have the distinct feeling that I’ll manage to do it wrong anyway. After I settle into a chair, Dr. Greene puts the booklet in front of me and grabs a pencil from the cup in the center of the table. I glance at the booklet. The front cover prominently displays “MMPI-2” above the words ”Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory 2.” There are other words, too, but I can’t read them because they’ve blurred and are floating around on the page as the room tilts. I shove the booklet away and leap to my feet. I have to brace my hands on the surface of the table for support.
…
Dr. Greene: I’m so sorry that I didn’t explain the name of this inventory before plopping it down in front of you. Personally, I think that the name is misleading. It’s not a personality test the way people think of personality tests. It really is just a grouping of traits. It helps me learn about people so I can work with them better, and even more important, it helps people understand themselves. This can be used by us to look at some things that might be causing you some difficulties, and that can help us plan some things to do. That’s it. This isn’t a judgment of who you are as a person, Brian.
 
The idea of mental health testing in therapy makes many people nervous. Are these pass-fail types of tests? Do they pass judgement? Do they assign permanent labels to people? These are legitimate concerns that deserve an answer.
When done correctly, tests are used the way Dr. Greene used the MMPI-2 with Brain: They gather information. Mental health tests are communication tools, allowing the client to express concepts to the therapist and allowing the therapist structured ways to talk to the client. The results of any test are used by both counselor and clients to better understand problems, choose the best treatment options, and set goals for overcoming difficulties.
Mental health testing increases understanding. It can also be a map guiding you toward your own ideal destination.
 

Do you have a question or a topic you’d like discussed on the Wellbeing & Words Q&A Show on YouTube? Submit it here:

 
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OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) is a debilitating illness that involves, in part, racing and obsessive thoughts. According to the National Institute on Mental Health, OCD affects one percent of American adults—that’s over three million adults in the United States alone. Because it impacts millions and has been portrayed in movies, television, and books, the term OCD has become fairly well-known; however, obsessive-compulsive disorder is often misunderstood, leaving people wondering  if their racing, obsessive thoughts are OCD.
If someone has racing thoughts or a need for neatness and order, does he/she have OCD? Diagnosing OCD can be complex and requires a medical or mental health professional, but there are telltale signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder (both what it is and is not) that can help you decide if your racing, obsessive thoughts might be OCD.
Perhaps it might be helpful to first look at what OCD is not. Because of the misuse of the term, there are a significant number of people who are worried that they have this disorder that is rooted in the brain’s functioning. When I was a high school teacher, I had a surprisingly large number of students over the years fear that they “were” OCD (another misuse of the term; people have OCD, but they aren’t OCD) because they were bothered by messes, disorganization, crooked wall hangings, and misaligned items at the front of the room. Many times, those students needed to straighten and tidy before settling down to work in class. One student was worried because she needed to double-check doors at night to ensure they were locked. Certainly these are indicative of OCD, right?
Actually, not so much. OCD is a brain-based illness that significantly disrupts someone’s life and can make functioning extremely difficult or downright impossible, depending on the severity of the disorder. Obsessive-compulsive disorder involves thoughts (the obsessive part of OCD) and/or behaviors (the compulsive part of the disorder). OCD includes

• intrusive thoughts (things that pop into your mind uninvited and won’t go away) that frequently race; they can feel like bubbles in a pot of boiling water that continue to form and bounce faster and faster, crashing into each other and continuing on and on and on
• obsessive thoughts; the bubbles in the above example don’t change but instead have the same words and images that race and ricochet in someone’s head
• anxiety; anxiety often causes the intrusive and obsessive thoughts, and the thoughts contribute to more anxiety, which leads to more thoughts, which leads to more anxiety… Anxiety is the fuel that heats the water that makes the bubbles that race and crash
• rituals of behavior that are done to make the obsessions and anxiety disappear; they may or may not relate to the obsessions (anxiety about harm to self or others might lead to checking behavior to ensure safety or it might lead to counting in one’s head, for example)

If you are experiencing obsessive thoughts that are bothersome and are concerned about whether or not you have OCD, consider the severity and the degree to which the thoughts and possible compulsive behaviors are interfering in your life.

• Do your thoughts consume you, making it difficult to think of anything else and get anything done?
• Does your anxiety block your ability to interact at work, home, and in relationships?
• Do you have compulsive behaviors that you feel you must do in order to control the thoughts?
• Do these obsessions and compulsions consume a significant portion of your time? (For example, checking locks two or three times before sleeping isn’t all that disruptive, but staying up for hours and hours because you are repeatedly checking the locks is indeed disruptive.)

If you are having trouble living the life you want to live because of racing, obsessive thoughts and accompanying compulsive behaviors, you might consider talking to your doctor or a therapist.  If you’ve already been diagnosed and are in treatment for OCD, there’s a new tool for taking charge of your treatment and getting your life back. It’s an app, and it uses Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) to complement the work you’re doing with a therapist. Learn more and download the free app.

 
 
 
 
 

 

 
The idea of quieting the mind seems like a foreign concept, esoteric and perhaps even the stuff of science fiction. As our society get busier and noisier and faster, so, too, do our minds. Stress levels have skyrocketed, tens of millions of people live with anxiety disorders and more than that experience bothersome anxiety that isn’t quite diagnosable as a disorder. “Agitated” has become the new form of “calm.” Because of this, experts in the fields of psychology, mental health, wellbeing, spirituality, and common sense agree: it is more important than ever to be able to step back and quiet the mind.
It’s a conundrum. Our mind races with thoughts of stressors, worries, and fears. Racing thoughts become broken records, and we begin to focus too much on these thoughts, strengthening and perpetuating them. We overthink. For our own health and wellbeing, we need to become still, to quiet our mind. But because of our racing thoughts, becoming still seems impossible. The harder we try to quiet our mind, the busier our mind grows.
To be sure, quieting your mind is challenging. Doing it, though, brings deep peace. Imagine facing the same stressors you face now but feeling at-ease in spite of them. Imagine, too, possessing the ability to believe fully in yourself and rise above stress and anxiety. Quieting your mind brings these mental health benefits. With patience, practice, and persistence, you can quiet your mind. These five tips can help you along your journey:

5 Tips to Learn How to Quiet Your Mind

1. Become physically still and comfortable. The mind and body follow each other in a dance.
2. Breathe slowly and deeply. Let your mind concentrate on your inhalations and exhalations (but don’t force it).
3. Be mindful. Tune in to your senses. Pay more attention to what you see, hear, feel, and smell than your thoughts.
4. Accept your thoughts rather than fighting against them. Allow negative thoughts to come and go while you do your own thing and practice mindfulness.
5. Gently conjure images of positive things, such as your personal values and goals. Visualize yourself experiencing them.

For the visual among us, here are the principles in graphic form.

 
One of the approaches to mental health and wellbeing that promotes the above principles is acceptance and commitment therapy.  With ACT, you define what’s important to you and learn how to accept what you can’t change while taking charge of creating a high-quality life. For a workbook that shows you how to quiet your mind and create your life worth living, check out Break Free: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 3 Steps.
Using the five steps to quiet your mind will help you, over time, create inner peace and contentment. The stressors will remain, but you won’t become trapped in them.
 
 

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Emotional health is an important component of our mental health and has to do with our subjective emotions like joy and sorrow, pride and shame, self-love and self-loathing, and more. While it’s true that emotions come and go, often striking us seemingly out of the blue, it’s also true that we are not powerless in the face of our feelings. While we might not entirely stop them, we can rise above negative emotions in order to live well in spite of them. One way to do so is by creating a bare spot in your garden.
A brief visualization exercise might be helpful here. Close your eyes and imagine a beautiful, lavish garden. What does it look like? What flowers or plants are present? Are there trees? Would you enjoy a pond, and if so, what is in it? How do you enjoy this garden? Are there comfortable benches or a swing within the garden or nearby? Perhaps there’s a winding path for walking meditation. Now become still and appreciate the beauty of this garden. As your eyes roam, your gaze falls on a patch of bare ground, dry and devoid of visible life.

Perspective and Emotional Health

As you continue to observe, where do you find your focus? Are you returning to the bare spot over and over again, are you seeing it while you’re looking at the beauty around it, or are you ignoring it and avoiding looking anywhere near it? Your response to the bare patch, a response you can learn to choose intentionally, is an important factor in your emotional health.
Our negative emotions are often responses to external events in our lives. We face stressors and problems on a daily basis. Some are chronic, such as toxic relationships, a hostile work environment, the effects of trauma, or caring for a loved one who is ill or disabled. Additionally, our negative emotions can be caused by internal factors such as mental illness or other mental health challenges.
Like everything in life, emotions are neither all good nor all bad. Just as there are negative emotions, there are positive ones, too. Some are a mix of both. Self-conscious emotions, those that deal with our feelings about ourselves, can be positive and motivating or negative and damaging. It’s actually not the emotions themselves but what we do about them that determine our emotional health.
The situations, whether external or internal, that cause unpleasant or life-disrupting emotions are the bare patches in the garden of life. Compared to everything else around them, they’re ugly. Barren. They seem to have nothing to offer. They ruin the garden. How can someone enjoy the garden of life and make it a garden worth being in when there are unsightly, dirty patches?
It’s a legitimate question that leads to some very important questions:

• What is the rest of the garden like?
• Is the bare patch truly capable of ruining the entire rest of the garden?
• Does the spot make the nearby vegetation worthless?
• Is the bare spot in control of what you see in the garden, or are you in control of your perspective?
• Are you looking exclusively at the bare spot in the garden of your life?
• Are you trying hard to avoid it but find yourself unwillingly focusing on it (because if you try not to think of X, you’re still thinking of X)?
• Are you seeing the complete garden, all of it—flowers, bare spot, and all—and appreciating its beauty for what it is?

To Enhance Mental Health, Appreciate Beauty No Matter What Surrounds You

Reflecting on your complete garden allows you to appreciate real beauty, the wonderful flawed beauty that is life and people and gardens, and to develop the emotionally healthy perspective that allows you to see the good that exists despite the not-so-good. Appreciation of beauty, incidentally, is one of the character strengths that research in the field of positive psychology has shown to be a component of mental health and wellbeing.
I planted a small flower garden in my backyard, and I purposely left a bare spot as a reminder to check my perspective, appreciate beauty, and maintain emotional health and wellbeing. Negative and positive will always exist together. It’s how we see it that enhances our emotional health.
Consider planting a garden of your own. If you don’t have a place for a garden, you might buy plant and a flower pot that is bigger than necessary. You’ll have your own mini garden, complete with a bare spot, as a reminder of perspective and emotional health.
 
 

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So be sure when you step.

Step with care and great tact

and remember that Life’s

a Great Balancing Act.

                              —Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss certainly knew his stuff. Life—and mental health—are indeed a Great Balancing Act. Specifically, they’re about balancing doing with being.

The Act of Doing

Doing is the stuff of life. We must do in order to live. We rise in the morning and forge ahead into the day of relationships, chores, work, and a seemingly endless to-do list of random yet crucial tasks. This doing is action and is vital for life-living, mental health, and wellbeing. Some of the benefits doing include:

• meeting your needs—securing food, water, shelter, love and belonging, financial resources, etc.
• creating a sense of empowerment—I can do it!
• providing a source of energy—I am doing it and I’m charged up to keep going
• building self-confidence and self-efficacy—”I didn’t think I could, I didn’t have the energy, but I did it anyway.”

Yes, taking action is crucial for our mental health and wellbeing. Taking even small steps, doing little things, goes a long way toward the place you want to be.
Despite the fact that doing is vital, too much action (or feeling too much pressure to act) can be damaging to our mental health and wellbeing. Living our lives on a hamster wheel can lead to

• increased stressed, which negatively impacts mind, body, and spirit
• fatigue, which is caused by too much emphasis on doing as well as the accompanying sleep disruptions
• anxiety—the sense that nothing is ever done, is ever good enough and that you should be constantly working in order to be worthy, accepted, secure, etc.
• depression— too much doing can throw us, including out brain chemistry, out of balance and negatively impact our mental health so significantly that we develop depression.

The Balancing Act: Doing and Being

If too much doing does more harm than good, its seems logical that we should stop doing that. Logical, perhaps, but it’s not always easy. Have you ever noticed that when you want to stop doing something, it becomes difficult? That’s because there’s an important piece missing: replacement.
To reduce something isn’t enough. We have to replace it with something else in order to fill in the hole left when we stop something. Replacement brings balance to our lives. In this case, to nurture our mental health by reducing our habit of frantically doing, we need to reduce the amount of harried action we’re taking and replace it with the opposite of doing: being.
Our being is our nature, the core of our self. Being is existing. It’s honoring who we are and allowing ourselves to be in each moment. Being involves mindfulness, using all of your senses to be fully present in the moment. It involves slowing down when you’re feeling agitated and taking slow, deep breaths to calm yourself down. Being is discovering what you like and doing more of it. In a state of simply being, we don’t feel pressured to do.  Being benefits our wellbeing in numerous ways, such as

• quelling self-doubt—when we honor and accept ourselves for who we are, we begin to believe in ourselves more and more
• relaxation—when we allow ourselves to just exist without the pressure to constantly do, we can let go of stress and reduce tension
• stress-relief—when we allow ourselves to just be, our thinking slows, our muscles relax, breathing becomes slower and deeper, and we feel centered rather than pulled frantically in multiple directions.
• enjoyment—when we slow down and let ourselves exist without self-judgment and rules for what we “should” be doing, we free ourselves up to discover what brings us meaning and to pursue it wholeheartedly.

Too much of either one, of being and doing, isn’t desirable. In excess, both disrupt our mental health and wellbeing because of a lack of balance between the two. We need to be do-ers, and wee need to be beings. We need a balance of doing and being, of action and relaxation.

Doing and Being: A Balance Budget

Achieving a balance between doing and being can be easier said than done. It’s one thing to know that this balance is important and another thing altogether to create and maintain that balance. First, know that it’s a process. It takes time to figure out what your personal balance looks like. Then, the balancing act takes practice. These two tips can help you achieve the balance:

• Make lists, draw pictures, cut out images, or otherwise represent all of the things you have to do/want to do and all of the ways you like to relax, enjoy, and be—this will help you what’s important to you in both categories
• Create a budget. Give yourself a certain number of “units” to spend in the doing category and in the being category each day. Track your spending to ensure you’re maintaining the balance you desire.

Striking a balance between doing (going, going, constantly going) and being (allowing yourself to relax and resist) will help you attain and sustain mental health and wellbeing.
 

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There’s much for us to gain by talking about mental health.
Globally, talking about mental health brings the topic of mental health and its challenges and disorders out of the dark shadows and into the sunlight. It can be seen and heard and felt. It can even be tasted: NAMI Seattle holds an annual Depressed Cake Shop (an event that began in the UK and is spreading around the planet), an event that raises both funds and awareness.
Individually, having mental health conversations legitimizes the fact that hey, we all face challenges—whether or not they’re diagnosable as a mental illness—and allows us to share experiences, feel normalized, and develop strategies for maintaining optimum mental health. How, though, does one easily and safely go about talking about mental health? Through a book club, of course.
I started a book club with my local NAMI chapter. In short, the National Alliance on Mental Illness is an organization that provides support and education for people living with mental illness and for family members/care givers of people living with mental illness. People whose lives have been touched by mental illness in some way can enhance their mental health and wellbeing through NAMI’s services.
Even in such a supportive environment, it can be difficult to talk about mental health when it’s so personal. The Wellbeing & Words Book Club, like all book clubs, offer a way to discuss tough issues in a safe way—through characters and setting and plot and storyline that is tucked safely between covers.
Books aren’t a way to hide, though; instead, they’re a way to express. They humanize the broad concept of mental illness. Books and their clubs spark open-ended questions and encourage exploration and discussion. Mental health books, both fiction and nonfiction, show what mental illness is like. They inspire hope of recovery.
In the Wellbeing and Words Book Club, participants naturally and comfortably share their own stories as they relate to the book. Books offer a safe platform on which to walk. Some participants prefer to discuss only the books themselves, and they can do so without the pressure to get personal. It is, after all, a book club rather than a support group. The support that happens comes naturally through the books themselves.
Interested in starting a mental health book club? These tips might be useful:

• Find a local organization to host. Many organizations welcome new ideas and the chance to enhance the way they serve their communities.
• Hate the idea of asking an organization to host? That’s okay! Start your own. Most general book clubs meet on their own, usually at someone’s house or a restaurant, and initially involve just a few friends or acquaintances.
• Use Goodreads to develop a list of mental health books. You can search their lists for such books.
• As you read, jot down topics that stand out to you and use those as starting points.
• Focus on takeaways. What did each member gain from the book that he/she can use in daily life?

Perhaps I’m biased about the power of mental health books, as that’s what I write. I do so intentionally because books have the power to influence lives, to increase understanding, to develop empathy. Sharing books with others is a great way to talk about mental health in a new way.

 
 

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Recently, in ANTs—Automatic Thoughts Can Ruin Your Picnic, I explored how ANTs can be pesky little creatures that get in the way of our living life fully. These automatic negative thoughts that pop into our minds in certain situations can cause great stress and anxiety. They can even intensify depression and aggravate other mental illnesses. We all have ANTs (they’re not exclusive to mental illness). Unfortunately, it’s natural for the human mind to get stuck in unhelpful thought patterns that drag us down. (Follow the above link to last week’s post to see a list of common ANTs.)
There are ways to deal with ANTs so they don’t ruin the proverbial picnic of your life. Here are three approaches whose effectiveness has been proven by research.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an approach to healing that focuses on our thoughts. A fundamental belief of CBT is that events, situations, and people aren’t problems; instead, our thoughts about those things are the problem. Therefore, if we change our thinking, we change our perception, interpretation, outlook, and overall happiness.
To get rid of the ANTs at our picnic, CBT has us identify our negative thoughts and then look for evidence to prove that the thoughts and beliefs are faulty. This approach is supported by research and is helpful for many people (nothing is helpful to everyone, which is why there are so many therapeutic healing approaches).

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an approach to mental health and wellbeing that doesn’t have people fighting with and focusing on their ANTs but instead has people shift their attention to their values, those things they hold dear, and actions they can take to create the reality they desire.
ACT allows people to define what it is that makes a great picnic and take specific measures to enjoy it. ACT acknowledges that life does contain ants (and helps us accept that fact), but we don’t have to let them ruin things for us.

Passions, Actions, & Relaxations

Another way to deal with ANTs, of getting them out of your picnic, is to be intentional about the picnic you create. We can’t create a perfect, ant-free picnic. Life contains problems and challenges, some small and some big. We do have negative thought patterns that of course we can identify and replace but not completely and permanently eradicate. By pursuing our passions, taking positive actions, and practicing self-care that relaxes and rejuvenates, we can turn our attention to things other than ants and ANTs.

To be passionate about books is a happy passion indeed. Books hold great value for our mental health and wellbeing. This infographic shows just seven of the many positive things books can do for our picnic.

Fill your picnic basket with good books, lie back, and enjoy getting lost in a book. It’s a great way to beat the ants and ANTs and enhance your mental health and wellbeing.
Listen to the July, 2017 Wellbeing & Words show to hear more! Scroll down to the picnic image.
 

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Are ants trying to ruin your picnic? If you’re human, it’s quite likely that they are. Ants are pesky little critters that love picnics, and ANTs are pesky little (or big) thoughts that love our mind. No matter what kind of ant you are dealing with—the insects or the negative thoughts—you don’t have to let them ruin your picnic.

In the world of psychology, ANT is an acronym for automatic negative thoughts. These are thoughts that pop into our mind without us giving them much thought. From the moment we are born, we begin to take in the world around us. We see things happen, we watch the reactions of others, and we feel and become aware of our own responses and emotions. As we grow and develop, we form cognitive distortions, ways of thinking about ourselves and the world that are our own unique interpretations.

Here Come the ANTs

Think, for example, of two toddlers. Both are outside playing and exploring, and both stumble over a rock, falling to the ground and scraping a knee. Bewildered and a bit stunned, the children turn to the parents to gauge their reactions.

The parent of one child rushes up, very anxious and tense. This parent swoops up the child, frets and worries, points out the problematic scrapes, and tells the child that he should stay away from the rocky area and even sit down out of harm’s way. The child starts to cry, and he begins to learn that the world is dangerous and anxiety-provoking.

The parent of the other child approaches him calmly. The parent swoops him up playfully and assesses the boo-boo in an attentive but silly manner. The child giggles. Then, the parent suggests that they check out the rock. Finding that the rock is just fine, the parent and child move the rock out of the way. The child resumes playing. This child learns that he can fall and get scraped, but that things are still okay.

The first toddler is forming automatic negative thoughts about himself and the world, ANTs that could very well negatively impact his mental health and wellbeing. The second toddler, on the other hand, is also forming automatic thoughts. Some are negative (the rock, after all, was jarring, causing disruption and pain), and others are positive. As these children grow, countless incidents that occur every single day will shape their outlook.

It’s like this for all of us. We form automatic negative thoughts throughout life. ANTs are present, they bother the way we think about ourselves and the world, and they can block the actions we want to take.

ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) Are Specific

Because we come into the world assessing whether it’s safe and if we’re loved and cared for, and because we become worried and anxious when our basic needs aren’t met, we develop a negativity bias that influences our thoughts; thus, we form automatic negative thoughts. For decades, researchers have studied thinking patterns and have developed a list of automatic negative thoughts common to us all (people have these in varying degrees and intensities). In The Feeling Good Handbook (Burns, 1999), Dr. David Burns, lists 10 cognitive distortions, or ANTs:

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking or Black-and-White Thinking (seeing things/people as either all good or all bad)
2. Overgeneralization (seeing one event or situation as representative of your entire life)
3. Mental Filter (dwelling on the negatives while ignoring the positives)
4. Discounting the Positive (acknowledging something positive but dismissing it as insignificant)
5. Jumping to Conclusions (mind reading—assuming others are thinking negatively of you—or forutne-telling—predicting that things will go poorly)
6. Magnification/Minimization (blowing things out of proportion or reducing their significance)
7. Emotional Reasoning (letting your feelings drive your thoughts; if you feel anxious, things must be scary/bad/worrisome)
8. “Should” Statements (imposing rules on yourself, others, or the world)
9. Labeling (using harsh labels to describe yourself)
10. Personalization (unjustly blaming yourself or others for situations, circumstances, etc.)

These thoughts can intrude on the picnic of our lives. When we allow our negativity bias to have a welcome place on our picnic blanket, we make a nice, easy path for ANTs to rush in, multiply, and take over. They even burrow into the picnic basket and creep and crawl on all of the sweet stuff in our lives. Some of the ANTs, such as the ones that discount the positive, minimize the good, or magnify the ants-y picnic, make it seem like we can’t do a thing about our ant-infested life.

ANTs Don’t Have to Ruin Your Picnic—or Your Life!

The wonderful thing about automatic negative thoughts is that they are indeed distortions. Just because we have learned to think something doesn’t make it true. We really, truly don’t have to let ANTs ruin our picnic (because who wants to have an ant-infested picnic in the summer time, or any other time of year?). Next week, I’ll give you some tips for keeping ANTs out of your picnic and filling your picnic basket with things that enhance your mental health and wellbeing.

Source: Burns, D.D. (1999). The Feeling Good Handbook. NY: Plume.

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Optimizing yourself is part of living life intentionally, of creating your own concept of a life worth living. Determining what makes a quality life and creating a path to get there is a process that in many ways is similar to what web developers call search engine optimization, or SEO. Think like a successful business person and enhance your own personal SEO.
In the business world, SEO is what allows websites to be discovered and helps businesses flourish. To be successful, most businesses need an online presence that includes a website optimized to find and be found by customers. As people who want to enhance our wellbeing, we’re not trying to attract customers. Our goal is different, but we can use some of the primary principles of SEO to optimize ourselves for mental health and wellbeing.

Personal SEO Development

1. Know what you want, clearly and intentionally.

The first step in SEO for business happens even before the web developer touches the computer. A successful business person defines what he wants to accomplish, what “success” means to him. This business person can’t stop there. She has to have a method of creating success. It’s not enough for a business to create a goal and then sit and wait for it to materialize. Thus, the people behind the business create websites with great SEO so shoppers can find them.
As you begin to optimize yourself for mental health and wellbeing, become intentional about your goals. What, exactly, do you want for yourself and your life? How do you want to think? Feel? What do you want to do? How do you define a life worth living?
Once you know what you want, you are in a good position to optimize yourself to achieve it.
 

2. What connections would you like to develop and enhance?

An important component for SEO is link building. When a website has other relevant websites linking to it, and when it links to other relevant websites, it becomes more visible. It’s ranking increases so that when someone searches for a topic that matches the business, the website is one of the first to appear in the long list of sites that pop up in a search engine.
If connections are important for websites, imagine how vital they are for human beings. We need relationships with each other to optimize our wellbeing. To be sure, this looks different for every one of us. Some of us are extroverted and are energized by gathering with other people, while others of us are introverted and are energized through solo time. Some people come from big families or live in large areas. Others are from smaller families or towns.  Some people deal with things like agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, or other mental illnesses that keep them secluded.
Personal SEO in the form of “link building” is about quality more than it is about quantity. Think of ways you can reach out to form one or more relationships with others. Consider volunteering in the foster care system, a nursing home, a humane society. Think of ways to strengthen connections you already have. Nurturing relationships is a great way to optimize your mental health and wellbeing.
 

3. Know your keywords.

Keywords are important to SEO. These are simple words or phrases that are integral to whatever it is the website is about. They’re the words that people use when searching for a topic or product, and they drive the focus of the website.
Having personal keywords can be highly motivating, and they can keep us focused on what we want, thus shaping our actions. Think of your goals, then break them down into keywords. Often, taping the words where you can see them often or creating images to represent your personal keywords and having these images close by will keep you motivated. When you have easy reminders of your personal optimization, you’ll be equipped to make these keywords real.
 

4. Be patient, consistent, and gentle with yourself, as SEO takes time to build.

Even the most skilled web developers can’t rocket a website to top ranking overnight. What a web developer does is put the elements of SEO in place for the business to build on. Business people have to do a lot of work to keep their website optimized. Businesses take steady and repeated action to maintain their SEO and grow it further.
That’s how it is with our mental health and wellbeing. We do things such as define goals, putting links in place for connection-building, and narrow our focus with keywords, motivational phrases to keep us on track. Once these are in place, we build on them, patiently and consistently, over time. Nurturing ourselves is a process. With patience and self-understanding, it’s an enjoyable one.

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Anxiety isn’t something people often embrace as positive; indeed, people tend to go to great lengths to eliminate if from their lives. That said, very few things are either all good or all bad (that’s part of all-or-nothing thinking that contributes to anxiety, depression, and more). Anxiety can actually have a positive side, and seeing the positive actually works to pull you up and move you forward.
Recently, I had an online conversation about this very thing with a woman named Kay who lives with anxiety and seems to have had experiences similar to my own. We agreed that looking only at the negative is dangerous for our mental health and wellbeing. To be sure, negativity exists and anxiety does have it’s share of negatives; however, anxiety has a positive side, and discovering it can be very helpful in shaping how we see ourselves and the world. Not only does anxiety itself have positive aspects, so do the people who live with it. (Five Character Strengths of People Living with Anxiety).
Kay wrote an article about the positive side of anxiety. It’s great to be able to share her perspective on the fact that being anxious isn’t always a curse.
 

Anxiety Isn’t All Bad

By Kay^*

 Anxiety might feel like its ruining your life, but is it all bad? I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child—I just didn’t recognise it. I thought it was normal to see catastrophe at every turn, to feel like all my nerve endings were on alert, and to be overly sensitive to everything. Perhaps it is “normal,” as there are certainly a great many people who feel the same.
As time passes, we may recognise that anxiety greatly influences our lifestyle. The choices we make when we feel frightened may be different to the ones we make when we feel confident and optimistic. We may choose the same college course as our friends rather than the course which suits our interests. We might remain in unsuitable relationships because we don’t want to be on our own. We are more likely to stick around in dead end jobs because we are too anxious to try something different.  And that’s just the big things in life!  Anxiety may also influence the smaller, day to day decisions and limit our opportunities to enjoy life.
Focusing on the negative impact anxiety has on our life can really get us down. But have you ever looked at it through different coloured glasses? In other words, have you ever considered that there may be positive aspects to your anxiety? And positive aspects to you yourself? Anxiety doesn’t necessarily say negative things about you.

Anxiety’s Positive Side

I’ve Rarely Met an Anxious Asshole
People who suffer from anxiety are often kind and compassionate by nature. We may feel things deeply and be sensitive to other people’s emotions. We want (need!) everyone to be happy, so that is often motivates our interactions. We tend to play the role of peacemaker because conflict increases our anxiety. You may be riddled with anxiety, but chances are you are a nice person with a good heart. Pull that bit up to the surface!
We See the Negative but We Keep Going
Anxiety creates many automatic negative thoughts that plague us day and night, such as catastrophizing situations and seeing the bad before the good. That said, those of us who suffer from anxiety can be strong and keep going despite being anxious. How else would we talk our way down from whatever dizzy, anxious heights we have reached? To do so, we consider the positives in the situation, or the good that will come from continuing on. Next time you are catastrophizing, rather than focusing on how your mind reached the catastrophe, concentrate instead on how you have been able to move it back down a gear.
Our Anxiety can bring Achievement
You might think that being a high achiever brings high anxiety, but what it if works the other way? If anxiety means you can never sit still, or your brain never stops whirring, then you may be in a great position to channel this into your goals. If your employment prospects have suffered at the hands of anxiety, could you turn this around? Could anxiety drive your potential? Overthinking can be a terrible affliction but it might also mean there is a genius in there. Sweating over the small stuff might mean you have a great eye for detail. Your anxiety could lead you to achievements, and you just might find that your achievements help to banish anxiety.
Being Anxious Can Involve Being Caring
There is no question that anxiety may have a negative impact on your relationships with other people. But remember that it can also mean you are a great person to have around. If you’re emotional, you might be more open and loving towards your nearest and dearest. We can use our sensitivity as a strength and reach out to those around us. Experiencing anxiety can help us help others understand themselves. Further, our sensitivity can help us respond positively to the needs of others, be they human, animal, or plant. We may be full of worries and “what-ifs,” but that often equips us to care for other people, other things.
So there you have it!  These are just a few examples showing the upside of anxiety. Think of it this way: anxiety might rule your life, but it doesn’t have to ruin it. There’s always a flip side so don’t focus on what your fears do to you; ask yourself what they can do for you.
*Kay considers herself to be a professional worrier – not because she gets paid for it but because she is so good at it! She is ‘mid forties’ and lives in Scotland where she runs her own online business.  It has taken her a long time to recognise her anxiety disorder but, now that she has, she’s happy to share.  Her survival technique has always been to look for the upbeat aspects of anxiety and to see the funny side.  That is the basis on which she has started her own blog – “Worried Sick”.  You can find it at www.worriedsick.co.uk 

Feeling love and a desire to move forward for loved ones is a big positive.

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For a long time, mindfulness and traumatic brain injury didn’t fit together for me at all. Thirteen years after my first brain injury (I’ve had three), I still deal with TBI symptoms (check out these eight signs of TBI). I’ve explored a wellbeing technique known as mindfulness for numerous challenges, including anxiety, mood disorders, “ordinary” stress, and so much more. It works to improve mental health. But what about for brain injuries?
The practice of mindfulness involves quieting the mind, becoming still, and using all of the senses to increase awareness of what is happening in the present moment. I’ve found it helpful for many mental health issues, and I’ve helped others use the technique. However, when I thought of using mindfulness for my TBI symptoms, I’ll admit that I was quite skeptical. When I tried it anyway, it didn’t work — until I figured out how to do it.
Brain injury symptoms are numerous and, like almost anything related to the brain, are individualized. Brain injury looks different for different individuals. For me, the ones that are the most annoying are the ones that loom over me in attempt to disrupt my life. It can be hard to function in the vast array of life tasks that includes work, family, other relationships, organization, problem-solving, and more when wrestling with

• sensory overstimulation
• difficulty concentrating
• difficulty focusing properly
• headaches that make the above even more pronounced

Practicing mindfulness has been shown to reduce these challenges to brain functioning and overall mental health and wellbeing. However, how does one practice mindfulness when one’s brain is overstimulated, uncomfortable, and unable to concentrate?

How to Practice Mindfulness with a Brain Injury

Mindfulness is traditionally the practice of stillness. Similar to meditation, it often involves sitting or lying down and using all of the senses to be fully aware, or mindful, of the present moment. It helps quiet mental chatter, such as worries, fears, self-doubts, negative thinking, and more, in order to induce a sense of peace and enhance mental health and wellbeing.
When concentration and focus are out of reach and the brain is already overstimulated with sensory input, trying to practice mindfulness can be aggravating. It can further disrupt mental health rather than improve it. That doesn’t mean mindfulness should be abandoned or that it can’t work when you have a brain injury, though. When sitting quietly and trying to focus doesn’t work, try these things instead:

• Practice moving mindfulness. Take a mindful walk, go for a swim, or otherwise move around while paying attention to your surroundings. You don’t have to be still to be present in your moment.
• Use an object. Having something tangible to feel, study, listen to, or even taste (think fruit) helps a jumpy brain tune in and learn to focus.
• Do something mindfully. Help soothe a TBI by coloring, building, crafting, or doing any other hobby.
• Stay far away from screens and technology to give your brain a much-needed break from what it often experiences as overstimulating chaos.

Experiment to see what helps calm your brain and increases your attention on your present moment. Even with a TBI, practicing mindfulness can pull you out of your head and into the moment. When you do this, you’ll decrease your brain injury symptoms and increase mental health and wellbeing.
 

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Are you an influencer in your field, a field such as health and wellness? Imagine Hubba. Do you represent a brand? Imagine Hubba. Are you a retailer? Imagine Hubba. And hey, are you a curious consumer wanting to simply explore (but not immediately shop for) new products and information? Imagine Hubba.

Visualization: A Powerful Tool to Enhance Wellbeing

To imagine Hubba, and determine just what it is we’re imagining, let’s engage in a visualization expercise. Visualization is a simple (but not always easy) technique for reducing anxiety, stress, tension, and the negative effects of a great many mental health disorders. As such, this practice is an excellent tool for enhancing mental health and wellbeing.
Visualization allows us to imagine something, such as a place of calm, peace, and happiness, without having to physically go there. With visualization, we call to mind an image of a place, a person, a shape, a color, an object, an action, or a goal. As we do this, we engage in deep breathing in order to foster mindfulness, focus our thoughts, reduce blood pressure, and influence the brain (such as changing brain waves and impacting production of neurotransmitters). Visualization as a regular practice has been shown to help improve mental health as well as help people achieve tangible goals.
Without further ado, let’s engage in a visualization exercise to imagine Hubba.

Close your eyes and take several slow, deep, breaths. Call to mind images of health, wellness, and vitality. You have access to people and products that will help you create a quality life, your version of a life worth living. You can connect directly with people who are experts in their field of wellness and health. You can meet influencers in the field, brands that are exciting and prominent, and products that help you achieve your wellness goals. Retailers, brands, influencers, and others interested in the cutting edge of health and wellness join in a joyous, figurative dance to build each other up. In this positive community, you naturally increases your success and wealth. You belong to a strong, positive community of influencers, retailers, and brands that all work together to enhance wellbeing.

Why I’m a Hubba Influencer

Hubba is this place of connection, community, and commerce. Hubba brings together top people and companies in a given field (Hubba has many communities, including health and wellness). It’s a place of growth and prosperity, and one where everyone benefits.
I’m thrilled to have been recently invited to join the Hubba community as an influencer in the field of wellness and health. You’ll find my badge, which serves as a link, in the sidebar.
While my books are included as health and wellness books, my main role on Hubba is to offer my influence and expertise to health and wellness brands and retailers. I write articles and maintain regular blogs about wellness. I research to enhance my professional and personal knowledge and experience, and I will write truthfully about how your brand and products improve people’s quality of life.
Imagine Hubba. It’s a community and a place to build meaningful connections. I’m happy to be a part of Hubba’s health and wellness community to join together to create success, prosperity, and lives worth living.
 
 

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Does negativity sometimes ruin your day? Complaints, anger, discontent, and intolerance for differences of opinion are overwhelming. This negativity is omnipresent. It’s on the news, on social media, and in our communities, neighborhoods, and homes. Often, people don’t treat each other with genuine kindness; this can be intentional or, more frequently, unintentional, the unintended consequence of being surrounded by negativity. All of this is overwhelming and exhausting. There’s a lot that is out of our control, but there is a lot that is within our control. Below, you’ll find eight ways to keep negativity from ruining your day.

How to Stop Negativity and Improve Your Day

When I was a new high school teacher, just out of college, I had a colleague who was one of the most positive people I had ever met. Yes, he had ups and downs, good days and bad, but his external world didn’t shake his inner, core happiness. He shared one of his life approaches with me: whenever he had a negative encounter with a student or a parent, he purposefully chose two students to whom to express his appreciation, and he’d follow that with a positive phone call to their parents. In this way, he was choosing a path in which negativity wouldn’t ruin his day.
I’ve taken this approach in my own life, and it’s one of the ways I remain genuinely positive and happy despite problems and challenges—and despite all of the overwhelming negativity in the world. There two important components to this. One is perspective. How we conceptualize our world forms our foundation. For the above-mentioned teacher, focusing solely on difficult students would eventually begin to cloud his perception of “teenagers” today. By choosing to place his focus on the positive, he kept negativity from ruining not just his day but his outlook on life, career, and people.
The other component is action. Action reinforces our perspective, and it gives us control over our own life. Because action is vital in keeping negativity from ruining your day, I offer eight ideas for doing just that.

8 Simple Actions to Keep Negativity from Ruining Your Day

1. Lend a hand. Offer someone a ride. Hold a door. Offer to help a parent in the store when their toddler is wailing.
2. Have a conversation with a cashier. Or anyone else for that matter. Rather than just waiting for your groceries to be scanned so you can pay and leave, have a genuine conversation. Start with a compliment or a show of appreciation (are they efficient, careful with your eggs, etc.).
3. Leave a note. Make a habit of placing positive messages on windshields or in mailboxes. Compliment someone’s beautiful yard or leave an inspirational quote.
4. Mail a card. Writing, by hand, short notes and mailing them to people you know brightens your day and theirs. Again, show appreciation, gratitude, compliment them, and/or write an inspirational message.
5. Grow flowers. And care for them, too. If you have a patch of yard you can turn into a little garden, that’s great. Playing in the dirt, nurturing flowers and other life, is a wonderful way to release the day’s negativity. If you don’t have a yard for this, flowerpots work well, too.
6. Volunteer. Do something you love to make your world a little better staves off negativity because it gives you a sense of control over your corner of the world.
7. Appreciate yourself, too. Negativity can make us hard on ourselves. Make sure you notice the good in yourself the way you are noticing the good in others. Leave yourself notes, either on Post-Its around your home or contained in a journal. Appreciate yourself, and have gratitude for who you are.
8. Dance. Create a positive, inspirational playlist and dance like no one’s watching. It’s exercise that will regulate your stress hormones and improve mood in a playful way. It’s a chance to take the world, and yourself, less seriously.

You can’t always control the negativity around you, but you can control what you do about it for your own happiness. Connect with others and yourself in order to keep negativity from ruining your day. Make great moments in your day, every day.
 

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My first traumatic brain injury (TBI) occurred more than a decade ago, and since that time, I’ve worked to thrive, to live well in spite of my unique brain injury sequelae. I recently discovered a whole new way to thrive with TBI. I now see the world through rose-colored glasses.
TBI can cause different types of visual impairments and disturbances. For me, my already-mediocre vision worsened, I began experiencing double vision, I developed depth-perception issues that exacerbated my normal clumsiness and rendered me unable to properly give high-fives (much to the amusement of my children), I developed significant sensitivity to light (termed photophobia despite the fact that it has nothing to do with fears and phobias), and headaches (I haven’t had a single headache-free day since 2004). Finally connecting with the right eye doctor has improved my vision and my outlook.

The Meaning of Rose-Colored Glasses

I truly see the world through rose-colored glasses now. My lenses are special FL-41 lenses. As the picture vividly shows, the lenses are pink. They’re rose-colored. They reduce photophobia and make seeing simply feel better. Light no longer pierces my eyeballs to rush along my optic nerves and sear my brain. Admittedly, I still have a headache, but it’s better. (Said headache could be caused by adjusting to a stronger prescription, adapting to bifocals, and by noises given that my brain is overstimulated by both light and sound).
The term “rose-colored glasses” can have a negative connotation, invoking a Pollyana-type image of someone living in denial. It can be an accusation that someone is falsely positive, ignorant of the hardships of life.
“Rose-colored glasses” more accurately describes a worldview that acknowledges the negative but intentionally focuses on the positives in life. Someone who sees the world through rose-colored glasses is someone who faces obstacles and challenges and finds ways to move forward anyway. This is a true optimist; wearing rose-colored glasses, he or she has both a why and a how in life—his vision is on the beauty of his purpose. He sees the hues (roses and pinks) of possibility despite obstacles. She has hope.
The way we perceive our world is significant for our mental health and wellbeing. My FL-41 rose-colored glasses allow me to appreciate the beauty around me on an even deeper level and to feel physically better as I live a life of purpose and meaning. It’s intriguing to me that this positive treatment is happening now, thirteen years after my initial TBI. After so many years of accepting my vision issues as just a part of a brain injury, I see that there is more that can be done. It’s not too late to seek improvements.

Rose-Colored Glasses, Acceptance, and Mental Health

Acceptance is an important concept in the world of mental health. There is even a therapeutic approach that centers on it: acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). It can be a confusing concept, because like the phrase “rose-colored glasses,” acceptance has different meanings and interpretations.
Acceptance does not mean

• resignation to a bad situation
• giving up or giving in or rolling over

Acceptance does mean

• knowing what can’t be changed and making new plans around this fact (for example, after seeing different eye doctors who told me that the only changes to my vision would be changes for the worse, I accepted it as fact and learned how to appreciate imperfect beauty anyway)
• using the knowledge of what can’t be changed to move forward; sometimes knowing the reality that certain things won’t change helps prevent people from being stuck in rumination and regret
• having an open mind and being willing to integrate new information (when I discovered that my town has eye doctors and vision therapists that specialize in brain injury, I accepted that maybe there was new information that I could benefit from)
• keeping ego at bay (sure, pink lenses in glasses that aren’t sunglasses might not be ultra-fashionable, but I’m willing to accept that in exchange for better vision and functioning).

While I am literally seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, it’s just as effective to do so figuratively. Move forward knowing that it’s never too late to make the progress you want to make. Gather tools (for me, one tool is these glasses), intentionally shape your perspective, and create ways to thrive. Whether you’re thriving with TBI or other life challenges, see your world through rose-colored glasses.

 
 
 

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It’s mental health awareness month, and opportunities for growth and increasing our wellbeing are all around us. We simply need to know where to look. For me, this “looking” had the most literal of meanings. For mental health awareness month, I scheduled an appointment with a new eye doctor.
Many people might wonder about this. For mental health awareness month, rather than seeing a therapist or other mental health professional, I treated myself to an eye appointment. Mind and body aren’t fully separate. Sure, they have separate components, but all of those components make up the single whole that is you (and me — each and every human on the planet).
To be mentally healthy, we need to tend to our whole selves. My vision leaves a lot to be desired. I’ve worn glasses since I was a child, but my vision worsened after a traumatic brain injury (TBI) in 2004 followed by two more concussions within a couple of years. Because I had never been able to find an eye doctor who specializes in TBI and vision, I assumed that I would just have to deal with lack of clarity, light sensitivity, becoming overstimulated easily, double vision, and more. When I realized that there is indeed such a thing as an eye doctor who knows about TBI’s impact on vision, I was encouraged…and then did nothing about it for several months.
I was interested in such an eye doctor, and I believed wholeheartedly that yes, brain injuries can negatively impact vision and that yes, while some damage may be permanent, there are things that can be done to lead to significant improvement. That’s what wellbeing is all about: making choices and taking action, small steps at at time, to make positive changes in life. I believe that this is possible for everyone. Yet I didn’t believe in it for myself in this very specific instance.
Fourteen years is a long time, long enough to make any effects of a TBI permanent. After all, weren’t things “set” now so that improvement in my vision would be impossible? Happily, I was wrong (I’m not always happy when I’m wrong, but in this case, it works for me so I’ll own my error). The brain possesses a quality known as neuroplasticity, which means that it can adapt, even more than a decade after a brain injury. It’s never too late for treatment and improvement. Many things can help the brain continue to improve.
Therefore, for Mental Health Awareness Month, I saw a new eye doctor in hopes that I would be able to improve some things about my vision that are bothersome. Mental health is not passive. Mental health means making choices and taking action to enhance wellbeing and quality of life. I am very glad that I decided to see an eye doctor who specializes in brain injury because I discovered that it’s not too late to improve my vision and functioning.
What are your mental health goals? What would increase the quality of your life? Whatever you envision for your mental health, know that it’s not too late. What will you do today to get started?
 
 

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As a world of humans, we’re facing a mental health crisis; when fellow humans turn to suicide because they feel, for various reasons, that their future is so bleak it’s non-existent and turn to death as what seems like the sole option, it’s a mental health crisis. Suicidal ideation (thoughts of suicide), attempts, and completions are mental health tragedies that affect people of all ages, ethnicities, and nationalities. No group is exempt. Suicide can and does impact anyone. College students are no exception. College student suicides are a tragic problem at universities and colleges worldwide, and as a caring society who believes that mental health and wellbeing are possible for everyone, it’s time to fix this mental health crisis.
Between September, 2016 and January, 2017, a university in Ontario, Canada (locations in Guelph, Toronto and Ridgetown) has seen the deaths of four students by suicide. Understandably, the Guelph University community is seeking solutions. College student suicide (one completed suicide is too much, and four in half a school year is unthinkable) is a mental health crisis that must be fixed.
But how? Is it possible to help college students—people of all ages and backgrounds—create hope even in times of despair? Can we help each other, when blinded by overwhelming depression or other mental illness or crushing stress, see a way through?
It is possible. An important step is to be able to talk, to speak openly and frankly and be heard, for it is in this action that we can talk ourselves into solutions.

In light of the current suicides and stories from the University of Guelph TranQool has decided to donate 20 sessions for students to see registered therapists from home this week….We want the students to know that they in addition to the campus efforts to help student’s mental health they have access to TranQool. Learn more: TranQool Stands With Guelph University Students

The Basics: Information to Understand and to Help

The Suicide Prevention Resource Center (SPRC) has a wealth of information to help reduce the mental health crisis that is suicide. Among their resources is an excellent fact sheet entitled Suicide Among College and University Students in the United States. (The statistics included in this resource apply to US colleges and universities, but the information within applies to colleges and college students worldwide and can be very useful to the Guelph University students and greater community).
Mental health experts look at suicide and suicidal ideation from an in-depth perspective. They examine suicide from a problem-oriented point of view: what is it that creates such a depth of despair in people that they think of death as the only viable option? What mental health issues, specific mental illnesses, are interfering in someone’s will to live? SPRC, in the above-linked handout, delineates risk factors that include

• behavioral health disorders
• individual characteristics
• stressful life situations
• family characteristics
• school/community factors

Knowing what risk factors to watch for in each other can help us know how to reach out with an offer to talk, or to help take someone to a professional who will listen and help.
Beyond the risk factors are protective factors. Looking at protective factors is an incredibly powerful way to fix this mental health crisis of college student (and all) suicides. The risk factors help us identify things that are wrong so we can do something about them. The protective factors help us all know what it is that we can do about them. Protective factors are strengths within each and every one of us, and protective factors are those things around us, in our circles and our communities, that help us overcome even the greatest obstacles.
SPRC identifies these categories of protective factors that we can use to transcend real challenges to thrive again:

• individual characteristics and behaviors
• social support
• school and community factors

Again, the above link takes you to SPRC’s fact sheet with more information within each category, useful resources, and statistics.

It’s Possible to End the Mental Health Crisis, College Student Suicide

Hope is never lost. When people, such as college students at Guelph University and elsewhere, feel as though there is no hope for a better future, that is a mental health crisis. When people act on this very real feeling and belief and seek and end by suicide, that is a mental health crisis.
It can very much seem like hope is lost, and that’s when as a world of humans we band together and help see each other through. We can be there for each other as we wrestle with problems that, when we’re alone, seem insurmountable. We can build up each others’ protective factors and resilience. Together, we all can enhance each others’ mental health and wellbeing, and we can fix the mental health crisis that is college student suicides.

On #BellLetsTalk day we pledged to donate free sessions to those on hospital waitlists but we are now opening these free sessions up to University of Guelph students. We are also pledging to donate up to $1000 to help our inspiring TranQool ambassadors at Guelph University provide access and resources to the students. We want to ensure that every Guelph student knows that there is always help available. We stand with you. To join in the solution, help TranQool connect Guelph University students with counselors. Visit their GoFundMe campaign to make a donation of any size.

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It’s Mental Health Awareness Month, and to celebrate, I’m giving away copies of my books. I’m doing it twice, actually: once in the middle of the month, and once at the end.

 Why celebrate mental health awareness month?

Because mental health is something that applies to each and every one of us, and it’s very important. Mental health

• *is what allows us to create our quality world, our life worth living
• *can be achieved by all (it’s not the absence of mental illness; mental health isn’t the opposite of mental illness)
• *is an action; we can do little things every single day to achieve wellbeing
• *involves enjoyable action (and enjoy itself is an action verb)

Why celebrate mental health awareness month by giving away books?

• *Books are therapeutic; bibliotherapy is a healing approach that uses the reading of books (fiction and non-fiction) to heal and thrive.
• *Books are part of self-care; they invite us to spend quality downtime, to relax, to escape, and to learn.
• *Reading enhances mental health and wellbeing.
• *Books build connections, empathy, understanding, and other warm fuzzies.

The Books You Can Win in This Mental Health Awareness Month Giveaway

Novels:

Twenty-Four Shadows
My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel
Leave of Absence
Losing Elizabeth
Self-Help:
Break Free: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 3 Steps

Book Giveaways for Mental Health Awareness Month: How It Works

One copy of each book will be given away on May 15, and one copy of each book will be given away on May 31. Five people will win a book in the middle of May, and five more will win a copy of a book at the end of May.
Answer the below question in the comment section at the bottom of the page. That’s it!
But you can get your name entered three times. In addition to answering the question,

• Sign up for the Wellbeing & Words newsletter (form below).
• Visit me on Facebook (Tanya J. Peterson, NCC). Like my page if you haven’t already, and share the pinned post (it has an image of a brain reading a book).

Each of these actions gets you registered for a chance to win a book! Mental health, after all, is all about action, about taking steps toward what you want.
The question:

What is your favorite way/place to de-stress with a book? (Scroll to the bottom of the page and leave your reply!)

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Hospitals offer the hope of healing, of better days ahead. This is true for all hospitals, including psychiatric hospitals (sometimes called behavioral health hospitals). Admittedly, though, “hope” isn’t a word that often comes to mind when someone is admitted, be it willfully or against his/her will, to a behavioral health hospital. Yet such hospitals exist for positive reasons. Believe it or not, psychiatric hospitals can be safe havens for people in crisis.
Of course, few people, even those who admit themselves willingly, actually want to be in a behavioral health hospital. Needing to be hospitalized can exacerbate existing feelings of fear, anxiety, stress, and depression. Being in such an environment can be confusing for people with serious mental illness. For some people, needing psychiatric hospitalization can increase feelings of embarrassment or shame and decrease self-confidence and self-efficacy (that experience of believing in one’s ability to be successful in life).  At the other end of the spectrum, a hospital stay (or more than one stay) can feel empowering and healing, decreasing feelings of fear, anxiety, stress, and depression.
I intentionally sought help from a behavioral health hospital after wrestling with a traumatic brain injury. My brain wasn’t functioning the way I knew it could; I wasn’t the person I knew I really was. I know professionally that people are resilient and that the brain has tremendous power to heal and/or adapt in order to thrive. Humans are meant to support each other, to give and receive help. Mental health hospitals are terrific healing spaces, places where people receive care from trained and compassionate professionals.

While not all behavioral health hospitals are the same, most modern hospitals share the common mission of being a safe haven for people in crisis. Hospitals do many positive things for people; by “hospital,” I mean not the building, not the entity, not the institution, but the people that are there to help and support patients on their journey to wellbeing. From my own experience, from hearing from people in support groups I’ve helped facilitate, and from mental health professionals, I can confidently say that doctors, nurses, behavioral health technicians, psychologists, therapists, and all staff, offer, among other things,

• compassion
• stability
• safety
• understanding
• guidance
• healing activities
• information
• mental health and wellness skills
• a listening ear

According to psychiatric nurse O’Donis Person, the nursing profession in general and mental health nursing in particular, is about helping other people achieve a higher state of wellness. Psychiatric hospitals (most of them, anyway) aren’t about control or locking people away or punishing them. Thanks to nurses like O’Donis and other professionals like him, there is hope in psychiatric hospitals: hope in healing, hope in moving forward. And not just hope, but very real possibility.
I invite you to listen to this month’s Wellbeing & Words radio show (broadcast over the airwaves on at least 10 stations but also archived online). O’Donis shares his thoughts and experiences as a mental health nurse. As part of our conversation, I talk a bit of my own experience as a patient in a behavioral health hospital. Find the show here (you might need to scroll down the page to find this show), and enjoy this short preview of the episode Hope in a Hospital. 

 

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The terms “mental illness” and “positive” aren’t always paired. Some might argue that together they’re an oxymoron, blatantly contradicting each other in striking opposition. I say that not only are they not an oxymoron, they can be combined very well. Indeed, there are a great many positives about mental illness.

No One Wants to Live with Mental Illness

Mental illness is an incredibly broad term that encompasses disorders of the brain. No matter the mental illness (there are over 20 categories of mental illness and three clusters of personality disorders, each category and cluster containing multiple specific disorders), they all share a common characteristic. Mental illness and personality disorders impact someone’s thoughts, emotions, and/or actions and get in the way of his/her quality of life. Psychiatric disorders can get in the way of relationships, employment, and more.
Adding insult to injury, negative stereotypes often cloud understanding of what mental illness truly is like. People speak of stigma, a type of prejudice that is one more barrier that people with mental illness often face. Stigma makes people feel judged for who they are.
Mental illness, however, most certainly is not who someone is. People aren’t their illness, which means that while mental illness can have negative effects on lives, the people themselves have many positive characteristics, traits, and strengths.
Mental illness is difficult to live with. It isn’t who someone is at his/her core, though, nor does it have to destroy one’s life and the living of it. Separating ourselves from the symptoms and effects and very legitimate challenges can allow us to shift our thinking to let in some positives that are equally legitimate.
Here are just six positives about mental illness, things mental illness doesn’t take away, we can learn from novels and their characters (inspired by my own personal and professional experiences).

6 Positives about People with Mental Illness

1. We can enjoy the simple things in life, individual moments of pleasure and happiness.

2. We can grow and evolve and learn to live well no matter our symptoms.

 
3. Mental illness doesn’t overpower love. People living with mental illness can love and be loved in return.

4. Even though it can be hard to do, people living with mental illness draw on their strengths to help others.

5. People experiencing mental illness have hopes and dreams and goals. This is stronger than any illness.

6. No matter what illness or challenge someone faces, he/she can still invite fun and playfulness into his/her life.

People really are so much more than their illness, and they have so many positive traits, strengths, and characteristics to offer themselves and others. As Oliver tells Penelope in Leave of Absence,
 “It’s okay to feel frustrated for having to deal with this illness, but don’t hate yourself because of it. This illness is only a tiny part of you.”
     “Other people don’t see it that way.”
     “Like who?”
     “Like friends we used to have. Like Rod and Paula.”
     “You know what? Then maybe it’s time for some new friends. Does William agree with Rod and Paula?” She shook her head but said nothing. Oliver pressed on. “And what about me, Penelope? I didn’t know you before. You had schizophrenia when I met you, and I wasn’t repulsed. Quite the opposite, actually. I like you a lot. I find you unique and delightful and honestly quite helpful.”
When we focus on what is right rather than what is wrong, on our strengths rather than our weaknesses, we begin to create a quality life and live it fully.

Self-confidence is a major component of our mental health and wellbeing. Self-confidence involves valuing yourself (as in self-esteem), and it involves believing you have the ability to do things (as in self-efficacy). Self-confidence also is about feeling deeply satisfied with who you are as a human being, with all of your strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and struggles. Self-confidence is knowing that you’re not perfect and being okay with it. When you have self-confidence, you know that life isn’t perfect, but it doesn’t have to be. You feel good about your ability to create a quality life in which you are strong enough to hang on for the ride.
Self-confidence would be an empowering thing to have in large quantities. It’s not, however, something that comes naturally to most of us. We’re quick to see our flaws but reluctant to see our strengths. We tend to have a bad habit of comparing ourselves to others and feeling like we don’t measure up. We see what others choose to project to the world and compare it to the stuff we keep hidden away. As a result, we have a difficult time feeling, or sustaining, a sense of self-confidence and our overall sense of mental health and wellbeing takes repeated hits.

Gaining Self-Confidence: Finding Yourself and Keeping Yourself

It’s possible to increase your self-confidence and maintain it so it lifts you up rather than pulls you down. Believing in yourself involves knowing who you are, the complete “you.” It also involves doing things to keep the real you at the forefront of your thoughts and emotions rather than letting it slip away. Finding yourself and keeping yourself are two important components of self-confidence, mental health, and wellbeing.
These come a program for teens I’ve developed that accompanies the novel Losing Elizabeth. In fact, the name of the program is Find Yourself. Keep Yourself. Knowing who we are, believing in our abilities to survive tough times as well as to achieve our goals, is what self-confidence is all about.
The book and program for teens focuses on toxic vs. healthy relationships. Self-confidence is important in remaining strong (but not rigid) in relationships, but it applies in all aspects of our lives. To find yourself, ask yourself some important questions:

• What do I enjoy right now — what are my passions?
• What are my hopes and dreams?
• What is important to me?
• What type of person do I want to be?
• What are my strengths?

These are important components of who you are, and being able to answer them is integral to building self-confidence.
Once you’ve begun the process of finding yourself, it’s important to maintain that and build on it. It is this keeping yourself that solidifies self-confidence. Some things to explore:

• Where can I turn my values, those things that are important to me, into actions?
• How can I use my strengths to help myself live a quality life and to help others achieve mental health and wellbeing, too?
• What small steps can I start taking now to achieve my hopes and dreams?
• How can I add things that I enjoy to my life?
• How can I manifest the person I want to be?

Self-confidence is so important to mental health and wellbeing because it is who we are, and beyond that, it is what we do in our daily lives to shape who we are. When we believe we have the ability to shape our lives, we begin to do it. This belief coupled with action is self-confidence. It creates more action and then a stronger belief in who we are. Explore the above questions as you continue your journey to mental health, wellbeing, and confidence.
 
In this video, I read a short excerpt from Losing Elizabeth. High school junior Elizabeth had once found herself and had self-confidence. A toxic relationship, though, is chipping away at who she thinks she is. Here, her self-confidence is nearly gone. Will she be able to find herself again?

 

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Creating balance in life is one of the most important components of mental health and wellbeing. The idea of balance for mental health is that, instead of being pulled in multiple directions, sometimes tipping one way and sometimes tipping other ways, we stay centered in one spot, calmly doing life tasks. The idea of living a balanced life is valid and legitimate. Balance brings harmony around us and within us. However, the mere fact that we need to strive for balanced implies that we’re rather imbalanced. And because we’re imbalanced (and likely stressed and otherwise challenged), achieving balance can be difficult.
Multiple tools exist to help us create balance in our lives. Among them:

• eliminating unnecessary tasks on our to-do lists
• exercising
• making time for a personal life, family, friends
• cultivating a daily meditation practice
• practicing self-care
• getting enough quality sleep

This is only an abbreviated list, but it includes the most prominent advice for achieving balance, mental health, and wellbeing. Each and every one of the above items is a proven way to lower stress. However, there is an inherent problem here. Each one is excellent but incomplete; for true balance, we need all (or at least several) of these approaches. This becomes one more thing to balance: we have to fit wellness techniques into our already challenging lives in order to be balanced. This can trip up even the most graceful among us (I am not one of the graceful among us).

Creating Balance in Your Life

I propose a different approach to balance and to mental health and wellbeing. This approach is balance itself.
 
 

This approach to balance begins at the core—your core—and revolves around it. With this method of achieving balance, you define what a quality life means to you, what makes your life worth living, and then you live your life intentionally to achieve it. Intentional living involves

• Work. More than paid employment, work refers to the things you do to make your life run. It also involves the ways you contribute to your world.
• Quality time with others. Who is in your life that you like to spend time with? How do you spend that time?
• Self-care. How are you nurturing yourself (mind, body, and spirit)?
• Enjoyment. En-JOY is an action verb. What are you doing to create joy and happiness in your life?
• Meaning. What brings meaning to your life? This is the “why” behind what makes your life worth living.

True Balance

Life is unpredictable. The best way to handle it is to accept this and roll with it. Picture balance as a ball. If a ball is over-inflated, rigid, and doesn’t roll, it will pop when it meets an obstacle. If we are rigid and can’t roll with life, we run the risk of popping, too.
True balance comes from doing what you need to do in each moment to live your quality life. Sometimes work will need to dominate, but we can balance that by rotating to one of the other areas. This model for balance is fluid, round, and it rotates on its axis, which happens to be your life worth living. Balance doesn’t mean straining to keep every circle the same size every minute of your life. Balance means having a vision of your quality life and taking action in all of these areas (but not all at once) to achieve it.
What is your vision of a quality life? Achieve it, and with it mental health and wellbeing, with balance.
 

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Teen dating violence happens. This can be hard to believe. We don’t want to think of our teenagers as being victims of relationship abuse, nor do we want to believe our teenagers are behaving in harmful ways toward their girlfriends and boyfriends. We’d also like to think that our adolescents, who are nearing adulthood, wouldn’t put up with someone hurting them. But it happens, and it can happen to any teen. That’s why Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month is essential. Knowing the signs of toxic relationships can help teens distance themselves from them, and it can help parents, teachers, and other adults help teens navigate the world of relationships.
(Note: Sometimes, these relationships and behaviors are referred to as toxic. Toxic describes something harmful and poisonous. I think that’s fitting here, plus it broadens the concept of abuse, which can conjure images primarily of physical violence.)
Teen dating violence is more common than we’d like to think. This can be surprising; after all, the hallways of our middle- and high schools aren’t filled with bruised and bandaged students. Abuse isn’t always visible. Teen dating violence—abuse—happens on many levels and to the entire person. It can involve physical abuse, yes, and sexual abuse; it also involves verbal abuse and emotional abuse. While there are always subtle signs that someone is being abused, abuse isn’t always obvious.
When I was a high school teacher and counselor, I saw too many teenagers, boys and girls alike, become trapped in toxic relationships. LoveIsRespect.org reports that

• One in three teens is subjected to physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner
• 80 percent of girls who are victims of physical abuse in their dating relationship continue to date the abusive partner

Those are staggering statistics. Why would so many teens become trapped in toxic relationships? Wouldn’t the signs be obvious, and wouldn’t they get out of a relationship where they were controlled and abused? If the signs were immediately obvious, the answer would likely be yes, they would preserve themselves by walking away. Unfortunately, coupled with the fact that teens are inexperienced and often unsure when it comes to romantic relationships, the signs of toxic behavior are subtle, especially in the beginning.
Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month exists to make teens and adults alike aware of toxic relationships so they avoid becoming trapped and put a stop to abuse that’s happening to them.
For Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, here are six early warning signs of toxic behavior. Examples are from the book Losing Elizabeth.

6 Early Warning Signs of Toxic Behavior

1. Choosing things for the other person, without consulting him/her. (In their first interaction, Brad ordered Cokes for Elizabeth and himself without asking her what she wanted.)
2. Comments that border on sarcastic, but just innocent enough to slide by. (“Were you planning on coming to tell me that you made the varsity team, or do I have to read about it in the school paper?”)
3. Compliments with a hint of an insult (“Wow! You look great. Are you sure you’re the same Elizabeth Carter I saw just two hours ago?”)
4. Disinterest in the other person’s friends, family; acting polite when necessary but uncompromising (Brad brushes off Meg; Brad is nice to Elizabeth’s mom when he picks up Elizabeth but firmly refuses to go inside for snacks she had made)
5. Wants to be with the other person, without others (At school, Brad insists that he and Elizabeth eat together and with no one else, ever.)
6. Quick-tempered, going from calm to angry in an instant (Brad is enraged when someone accidentally bumps his and Elizabeth’s table at a crowded hang-out, spilling soda.)

These signs (especially 1-5) are subtle and tricky. We don’t want to read into everything people say and do, because that’s not healthy for us. The key is to be aware of the nature of toxic behavior and look for repeated patterns. Letting so many subtle things slide can lead to a trap.
Helping people see the warning signs of toxic behavior is an important purpose of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. The more teens know, the more they can empower themselves to resist toxic people and relationships.
For information on Losing Elizabeth and the accompanying curriculum for schools, community groups, and parent groups, see Losing Elizabeth: Groups, Classes, & Programs.
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Wellbeing is something in reach of each and every one of us, and there’s a radio show to empower you for just that: creating your own wellbeing, your own life worth living. My radio show, Wellbeing & Words, is a monthly show that provides information and inspiration to help us all craft the lives we each want to live.

What, Exactly, is Wellbeing?

Technically, wellbeing is the state of being well, but that just breaks down the word. It doesn’t do justice to the concept. There’s much more to wellbeing than a simple definition, just like there is so much more to each and every one of us than a description or a list of what we do. A few key principles that comprise the complex state we call wellbeing:

• Wellbeing doesn’t mean the absence of problems, challenges, and hardships.
• Wellbeing is empowering yourself to thrive despite those things. People can create their own life worth living, and thus experience wellbeing, no matter what challenges they face.
• Wellbeing is an attitude, a mind-set, a determination.
• Wellbeing is action.
• Wellbeing is experiencing physical health and mental health as they apply to you personally. People face illnesses, but within the parameters of the illness, we can empower ourselves. I had a friend who was diagnosed with rapidly spreading cancer. Determined to live to the fullest what was left of his life, he continued to take walks with his wife to enjoy his world and his love. The walks grew shorter until he no longer had the strength for them. He got himself a walker so he could move in and out of the house, and he would shuffle outside and enjoy the fresh air with his wife. Cancer did impose cruel limits on my friend, but he took action to thrive in spite of it. This man empowered himself to have wellbeing until the end.

Where Does Wellbeing Come From?
Wellbeing comes from being human. Wellbeing comes from having the grit, determination, and resilience to, in the face of challenges, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again (that’s a phrase from Captain Kangaroo that has empowered me since I was four years old).
Wellbeing also involves action. Action, in fact, is the main ingredient in wellbeing. What little things can you do every day to live your values and accomplish your important goals?

One key to living a high-quality life is to take action that will move you toward your values and goals, no matter what difficulties and negative situations you may be facing. Accept the challenges and keep going!” — Break Free: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 3 Steps.

A Radio Show to Empower You to Create Wellbeing

Wellbeing involves a set of tools to orchestrate attitude, mind-set, action, and more. The radio show Wellbeing  Words provides listeners with the right tools to enhance their lives, empowering them to create their own wellbeing and live their life worth living.
The Wellbeing & Words radio show draws from the fields of positive psychology, solution-focused therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and more to help you shape and live a life that brings you joy. It reminds us all that en-JOY is an action verb. Every month, I’ll talk with an expert in the field of mental heath and wellbeing to share tips on living well. Many shows will incorporate readings from books—the “words” part of the show. The online shows also incorporate a video or a whiteboard presentation.
Each month the show airs over the radio airwaves on multiple stations as well as online at PodfireRadio.com and TanyaJPeterson.com, so you’ll have many chances to empower yourself to create wellbeing with the Wellbeing & Words radio show. Take action for your mental health and wellbeing by tuning in often.
Oh, and in addition to being a radio show, Wellbeing & Words is also a monthly newsletter. There are many ways to empower yourself to create wellbeing!
Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities. (I never share e-mail addresses with anyone.) 

It can be hard to know just what dissociative identity disorder (DID) is. DID is among those mental illnesses that are incredibly misunderstood. Part of the reason is that the human brain is complex, DID is complex, and researchers are just now beginning to uncover answers. Understanding is increasing so much that experts have even changed the name from multiple personality disorder to dissociative identity disorder, a much more accurate term (because someone with DID has one personality just like everyone else; with DID, someone has different identities within his or her psyche, each with his or her own single personality).
Another reason that DID is misunderstood is because there are many books and movies that tell an entertaining story but care very little for accuracy. Recently, the moving Split was released. It had some nice surprises in that parts of the movie portrayed DID accurately. Because the movie was a thriller, though, other aspects of it misrepresented DID. Split possesses the good, the bad, and the weird. With so much misunderstanding, it’s difficult to know what dissociative identity disorder really is. Here’s an infographic look at some basic facts about DID, drawn from the realistic novel Twenty-Four Shadows.

 
What is dissociative identity disorder? Stories, novels, can show just what DID is and what it’s like for people in the real world to live with.

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Split is a movie that portrays a man living with dissociative identity disorder (DID), a mental disorder that develops in childhood as a defense mechanism against severe trauma, usually in the form of abuse. My daughter first introduced me to the existence of the movie, and she stated in her text message, “This is why the world needs your writing. To balance out crap like this.” (Okay, she’s maybe biased in her opinion of my writing, but I’m fine with it.) She’s right about what I do (or attempt to do). As a mental health writer, certified counselor, person who was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after a traumatic brain injury, and general human being, I write to increase understanding and empathy.
When I read the description of Split and saw its trailers, I wondered if this would be yet another movie that gets mental illness, specifically DID, completely wrong. Would this stigmatize? Villainize? Dehumanize?
Ironically, my most recent novel, Twenty-Four Shadows (Apprentice House Press, 2016) is about a man newly diagnosed with DID and the effects it has not just on him but on his wife, young son, and best friend. The fact that Twenty-Four Shadows has been acclaimed by critics and readers alike and was named to Kirkus Reviews Best Books of 2016 indicates that realistic stories of mental illness are becoming okay. Box office movies, though, aren’t always realistic.
The movie Split surprised me. It wasn’t all bad. Split splits its portrayal of DID into two parts, human and disorder. This is also the split between the good and the bad.
Split: The Human, the Good
The movie is about Kevin and his system of alters, the other identities that are a real part of Kevin’s mind. They see a psychiatrist by the name of Dr. Fletcher, who tells a friend, “We look at the people who have been shattered and are different as ‘less than.’ What if they’re ‘more than?’”
Spot-on, Dr. Fletcher. People living with DID are real human beings, not inferior or “less than.” While Split is a thriller and involves the kidnapping of three teenage girls, the movie does not vilify Kevin or any of his alters, although Dennis and Patricia, the two responsible for the kidnapping, are certainly not seen favorably.
In Split, the human is good—the entire human, Kevin and the alters. They’re seen as individuals in their own right, and Dr. Fletcher treats each with respect. She gets it. Split gets it. Other things that Split gets right:

• * Different alters can and do have different traits (handedness, IQ, strengths, need for glasses, medical issues, and more)
• * Someone with DID can function in life (Kevin’s system has held a job for 10 years, sees a therapist, lives on their own)
• * Use of the terms “we” or “us” rather than “I” or “me”
• * Brain scans are unique for each alter
• * The idea of protection (alters Dennis and Patricia believe they’re the only one who can protect Kevin; in reality, all alters serve the function of protecting the primary identity, each in different ways)
• * The presence of a structure, a place for the alters to be when they’re not out in the world (in Split it’s very  simple, just a room with a chair for each alter, but in reality, the structure is often more complex. In Twenty-Four Shadows, the structure is an elaborate blanket fort.)

Another good: many different alters e-mail Dr. Fletcher requesting emergency appointments. They are seeking help. They’re not evil.
During the movie, the audience actually chuckled playfully in reaction to Hedwig, one of the alters who is a nine-year-old boy but of course in the body of the adult character. To me, this is a very good sign. It shows that people really saw Hedwig as a child, separate from the kidnapper. Maybe in this regard, Split helps people connect with people who have DID.
Split: The bad and the Weird
Split is a thriller. Thrillers must scare, and to do so this movie uses a mental illness.
To scare, thrillers must be real enough to invade our psyche and put us on edge. Split is real enough. The bad guy is a real person with a real disorder portrayed, for the most part, in a very realistic way. For full fright effect, a thriller must go beyond the real into that which is unthinkable outside of the movie theatre. Split achieves the real and the beyond-the-real. It achieves the good, the bad, and the weird.
The good thing about Split is that it humanizes Kevin and his system of alters. The bad thing is that the disorder itself is villainized. The weird thing is that the disorder isn’t just villainized but dehumanized. The system morphs into a beast. Eye-roll. Huge you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me element.
To set the record straight and counter the bad and the weird parts of Split:

• * The person with DID is not a monster, nor does he or she host a monster inside.
• * The Incredible Hulk stuff like super-human size, strength, and speed, is the stuff of movies and comic books.
• * DID isn’t in the realm of the supernatural.
• * People with DID can’t scale walls like salamanders.

Split: A Step in the Right Direction?
Is this movie a step in the right direction? To a certain extent, it does separate the person from the illness. It humanizes the human (it’s too bad that that is necessary). But as a thriller, it does enter into the realm of the bad and the weird. It humanizes the people but dehumanizes the disorder.
We need books and movies that treat people and disorders exactly as they are. People and disorders are neither villains nor beasts.

 
The movie Split premiers today, January 20, 2017. Is Split another movie in a long line of sensationalist movies that uses mental illness as a fear factor to trigger our psyches to spring into alert, inducing that edge-of-the-seat sensation that generates a lot of cash for the movie industry?
Split is about a man living with dissociative identity disorder, an illness that used to be called multiple personality disorder. One of the personalities is evil and kidnaps young women. How accurate is the movie’s portrayal of DID? Because I haven’t seen it yet, I can’t weigh in on that. To be sure, many have already been decrying the movie and its message. I have a feeling that this early disapproval is deserved; however, I need to see it to know how, exactly, the movie is depicting DID, a genuine mental illness that arises from severe trauma/abuse in childhood.
DID is one of the most misunderstood poorly depicted of all mental illnesses (schizophrenia is another). DID is incredibly complex, and even the experts are still learning about this disorder. What is known is this: people living with DID aren’t predisposed to violence. DID isn’t an “evil twin” type of syndrome where one does something and blames it on something else.
It’s because of this misunderstanding that I wrote Twenty-Four Shadows. In the novel, bizarre encounters and behaviors lead family man Isaac Bittman to discover that his personality has splintered into twenty-four shadows, or alters, thanks to the childhood trauma he’s repressed. Is his wife’s love strong enough for all of him?
I’m curious about Split. Does it villainize people living with DID? Does it use mental illness as a fear factor? How does the character in the movie and his alters compare to Isaac Bittman and his alters? What about family and friends?
I’ll be seeing Split this weekend, and I’m looking forward to sharing some insights!
 
Check out these trailers, for both book and movie:

 

 

 
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Mental illness messes with people and interferes in their lives in numerous ways. Each mental illness has a list of symptoms people experience, and beyond that, mental illness inserts itself in sneaky, obnoxious ways. Something many, if not all, mental illnesses do is put people on red alert for stranger danger.
Parents warn their children not to approach strangers, people they don’t know. Instilling this caution in appropriate ways is healthy because it makes children aware of their surroundings and realize that not every person they will encounter is a trustworthy human being. This is healthy awareness of stranger danger.
Mental illnesses take stranger danger in a different direction and to an entirely new level. Mental illness can turn someone into his or her own stranger. This isn’t a stranger that is a threat to others. Not at all. Instead, this is a stranger that can be anxiety-provoking for the person him/herself.

Mental Illness Can Make Someone a Stranger to Himself

Imagine being an outsider in your own mind. This is what Isaac Bittman must face in the novel Twenty-Four Shadows. He’s been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, what used to be called multiple personality disorder. Isaac perpetually feels like a stranger in his own mind, and to him it’s frightening because he doesn’t understand it.

• * Isaac has twenty-three alternate parts of himself (called “alters” or “parts”), but he doesn’t know them. He thinks of these strangers as things, which causes problems.
• * Isaac doesn’t know what his strangers are up to, and that causes great anxiety.
• * Isaac now feels like a stranger in his own family. He watches his wife, son, and best friend be “normal” and feels suddenly estranged from both them and himself.

Mental Illness Can Make Someone a Stranger in the World

Living with mental illness can be isolating. Mental illness isn’t a wrong way of being; instead, it’s a different way of experiencing the world. Still, someone’s symptoms (which differ for each diagnosis), can make him or her feel separate from the rest of the world.
In My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel, Brian Cunningham has such severe social anxiety that he is diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. He wants to be able to connect with people, to have friends, but he is too afraid. He feels like he doesn’t fit in because he’s a complete stranger in the world.

Reduce Stranger Danger

This stranger, the stranger that is the self and the world, is quite hard to deal with because there is no real escape, at least not in the traditional sense. That’s okay, because escaping is just avoiding, and avoidance doesn’t work.

Avoidance consumes a lot of time and energy, and it greatly interferes with the ability to live a purposeful, valued life.”   — Break Free: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 3 Steps 

If avoiding the stranger danger, the fear and anxiety that comes, legitimately so, from feeling like a stranger to yourself, the world, or both, doesn’t work, certainly there must be something that does. There is indeed something that works to reduce the sense of stranger danger within you and around you. Actually, there are three somethings:

• * Accept what feels like a stranger. It’s part of your world, and struggling against it only wears you out and   increases fear, anxiety, and stress. Isaac can acknowledge the presence of his alters. Brian can acknowledge that the world isn’t going to go away.
• * Define your values, your purpose. What do you want in your life? How do you want to become familiar with your inner and outer worlds so you no longer fear stranger danger? What will your life look like when the stranger danger is gone? (Well, the situation might not actually be gone, but the anxiety, fear, and sense of danger will be gone because you’ve replaced it with something else.)
• * Decide on an action plan. Taking action is the most powerful way to replace a sense of stranger danger with one of familiarity. Taking action, even small steps every day, gives us a sense of power over what’s bothering us and stomps on fear and anxiety.

Mental illness plays all sorts of nasty little tricks, including making people feel like strangers within themselves and within the world. This can create extreme anxiety and fear, causing a sense of stranger danger. Acknowledge exactly what feels like stranger danger and accept it’s presence. Know what you want to replace it with, and create a plan of action. These steps will help you reduce stranger danger and replace it with familiarity and content.
Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities. (I never share e-mail addresses with anyone.) 

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Life, as wonderful as it often is, can also be quite stressful. Demands and deadlines can stretch people to their limit. Many different things can cause us to feel overwhelmed. The stressors of daily life can take a tremendous toll. Relationships can be difficult to navigate. If these weren’t challenging enough, sometimes we’re hit with big whammies like disease, traumatic brain injury, mental illness, or personality disorders.
You can reduce that overwhelmed feeling and thrive. Rather than waiting for stressors to pass so you can feel better, take charge right now. Sure, you might not be able to get some problems to instantly disappear, but that’s okay. You don’t have to be problem-free to feel mentally  healthy. These four simple steps will help when you’re feeling overwhelmed no matter the reason.

Four Simple Steps to Take Back Your Wellbeing

Pause. When we’re overwhelmed, it can be hard to think and easy to become disorganized. In response to stress, heart rate and blood pressure can increase, and breathing can become more rapid and shallow. Muscles tense. Anxiety can set in. When you notice the physical and mental symptoms of stress, pause. Put some space, both distance and time, between yourself and what is making you feel overwhelmed. Breathe deeply and practice mindfulness. Taking even a short break can help you reset and return feeling better.
Partake. Do something to nourish your mind, body, and/or soul in the moment. Depending on where you are and what you’re doing, you might sip hot tea or coffee, take in fresh air, breathe in essential oils, mindfully peel and eat an orange, or anything else that’s healthy and that you find personally soothing.
Purpose. Sometimes, we get so caught up in problems that we lose sight of what’s important to us. When tasks, relationships, and more feel like an overwhelming burden, remember your greater purpose (and do so as you pause and partake). Knowing that there’s a reason we’re doing something can make life feel less overwhelming.
In My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel, for example, Brian Cunningham suffers greatly from anxiety disorders and avoidant personality disorder. He works as the sole custodian on the night shift at an elementary school so he can avoid having to deal with people, but when a neglected and abused little girl crosses his path, he is forced out of his safe comfort zone. He is overwhelmed and his perpetually high anxiety skyrockets further when he has to interact with people in order to help her. At times he is so overwhelmed and stressed that he wants to quit and retreat, but when he remembers his purpose, to help a hurting little girl, he is able to endure and regain a sense of mental health and wellbeing.
Plan. Sometimes our circumstances feel like a trap. We try and try to break free from the trap, but we simply spin our wheels. This going nowhere only increases stress. Know what you want to accomplish, and create an action plan involving small steps taken intentionally in order to achieve it. Often, having a tangible plan and acting on it is empowering and enough to feel mentally healthy rather than overwhelmed.

Additional Ways to Take Charge, Recover, and Achieve Mental Health & Wellbeing

Pausing, partaking in something soothing, remembering your purpose, and planning are effective ways to deal with feeling overwhelmed in order to take back mental health and wellbeing. There are other things you can do, too, to enjoy life once again.
Reach out and allow others to help. Whether its for help organizing clutter or easing symptoms of mental illness, accepting help can make you feel better more quickly.  In the novel Leave of Absence, Oliver Graham is in a behavioral health hospital. His doctor tries to convince him to allow people in to help:
     “Nothing at all makes a bit of goddamn sense.”
    “Exactly. You need help processing all of this. You participated actively in an art group on Saturday. That played a part in allowing you to open up yesterday…You were starting to process this mess.” Dr. Wilson stopped talking. When she resumed, her tone was softer. “It is indeed a mess, isn’t it?” 
    Oliver nodded.
    “Hang in there. Let people help you through this very difficult time.”
Do What You Need to Do in Each Moment

Most of us are rather skilled at imposing rules onto ourselves, believing that we should be doing x or shouldn’t be doing y. Berating ourselves only makes us feel more overwhelmed and unwell. Instead, plan what you need right now and do what it takes to help you regain mental health.
In the novel Twenty-Four Shadows (named to Kirkus Reviews’ Best Books of 2016), Isaac Bittman begins to attend a special treatment center after learning he lives with dissociative identity disorder. He is struggling, and his doctor, Dr. Charlie, knows that he needs to rest. Isaac feels that lying down is a waste of time. Here, Dr. Charlie convinces him that it’s okay for him to do what he needs to do in each moment.
     “Remember that I said you get a private room? It’s for journaling and meditating and resting. You need to participate in the activities here, but this is only day one. You had two switches; it looks like they’ve taken a tremendous toll on you, and you need to sleep them off. I promise we’ll work on things here, but right now, you need to lie down. Other patients do, too. That’s why we have private rooms with beds. What do you think?”
    “I…” Isaac’s voice cracked. Rather than trying again, he nodded vigorously. Dr. Charlie escorted him to his room.
Feeling stressed and overwhelmed is an unfortunate part of being human. A fortunate part of our humanity is our ability to take care of ourselves. Pause, partake, remember purpose, plan, accept help, and do what you need to do moment by moment. In so doing, you’ll increase your mental health and wellbeing.

 
Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities. (I never share e-mail addresses with anyone.) 

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Right now I have a wonderful room with a view. Seated on a smooth leather couch with deep, soft cushions, I can see calm blue water through the picture window in front of me. If I get hungry or thirsty, I can stroll over to the deli counter and order myself something nourishing. This would be great if I were actually on vacation. Unfortunately, I’m not on vacation. The calm blue water isn’t a tropical lagoon. It’s a lap pool. I’m at the gym my son and I belong to. He’s working out. I’m just working.
Sitting in the lobby with a computer on my lap isn’t quite what I had in mind when I said I wanted to go to the gym. I joined for physical health, mental health, family bonding, and connection with others. I enjoy increasing both heart rate and endorphins. Exercise enhances wellbeing and improves lives. Does it count when I go to the gym but sit on a couch rather than on exercise equipment?
Yes, it does count. Sitting on the couch at an athletic club does count as going to the gym. Here’s why (and I’m truly not just trying to justify or rationalize my sitting on a cushy couch while my son sweats).

Why Being at the Gym Counts Even When You’re Not Exercising

• I’m actually at the gym. My existence here is real and valid and not dependent on what I am or am not doing.

Take-away advice: drop the “shoulds.” Thinking that you “should” be doing x, y, or z simply because you are in a certain place is faulty reasoning that contributes to stress and anxiety.

• I’m honoring what I need to be doing in this moment. Right now, working on specific tasks is going to make me feel better mentally and physically—much more so than hopping onto an elliptical machine.

Take-away advice: Know yourself and honor what you need in each moment. Take life a moment at a time. Working in the gym’s lobby is better for me right now than working out on the machines. Tomorrow, I’ll hop back on the equipment.

• I’m living my values. One of the reasons I joined this gym was to bond with my son and support him in his life goals. I drove him here today (at 15, he doesn’t yet drive alone) and am staying here as long as he wants to be here. Usually, I work out too. Today, though, I chose the couch. I’m still upholding what I value.

Take-away advice: Know what you value, and make your decisions accordingly. Knowing that you can be flexible in your actions but still honor what’s important to you helps enhance your wellbeing and sense of peace with who you are, where you are, and what you are doing.

• I’m taking action. My actions right now might not quite match the intentions of an athletic club, but that doesn’t diminish their importance. As long as our actions aren’t done to intentionally harm ourselves or others, there is no black-and-white, right-or-wrong way to act. I’m doing what I need to do right now, in this moment, to feel mentally healthy.

Take-away advice: For mental health and wellbeing, the important things are to know your values and to take actions, small steps every day, to achieve them. In any given moment, choose to act in a way that moves you forward, and do it. It counts for a lot.

• The couches are here for a reason. If people weren’t meant to sit here while they were at the gym, the couches wouldn’t be here. They have a purpose. People have a purpose. By sitting here and working, I’m fulfilling purposes.

Take-away advice: Know your sense of purpose, recognize that others (even couches) have a purpose, and act in ways that fulfill the purpose.
So, yes, sitting on the couch at an athletic club counts as going to the gym. It counts because we exist and we count. When we acknowledge that there is no right way to be, no “shoulds,” what we do counts. When we know our values, our purpose, and choose actions intentionally, what we do counts.
Boldly and intentionally do what you need to do in each moment, wherever you are and however you are, and know that you and your actions count.
 

New Balance 574 femme ” width=”450″ height=”450″ /> “I’m not the person he fell in love with.” Oliver spoke slowly and deliberately in a quiet, gentle tone. Parajumpers Masterpiece Long Bear Doudoune “You developed schizophrenia, and I know from talking to you that it’s scary and frustrating and it has brought a log of changes to your life. New Balance Pas Cher But it’s not who you are, Penelope. It is merely something you have to deal with. Nike Air Yeezy Mens Your mind plays some pretty nasty tricks on you sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that you are unlovable. Saying that you’re worthless and that you’re ruining William’s life just because your mind thinks differently than it used to absolutely does not make sense.” (excerpt from Leave of Absence.) Schizophrenia is a serious mental illness that severely impacts the lives of those living with it. Someone living with schizophrenia can experience, among other things,

• * hallucinations (perceiving, through any of the senses, things that aren’t really there
• * delusions (believing things that aren’t real)
• * disorganization (of thought, behavior, etc.)
• * cognitive changes (difficulty processing information, for example)
• * negative symptoms (things that are taken away from the person, such as emotional expressiveness, ability to feel positive emotions, ability to form words with ease in a conversation, and more)

It can be extremely difficult to cope with all that is schizophrenia. Imagine navigating your inner and outer worlds with all of this frightening confusion created by your own brain.

Schizophrenia and Substance Use

Perhaps it comes as no surprise, then, that there’s a high rate of substance use among people with schizophrenia. According to drugrehab.org‘s informative article Schizophrenia and Addiction: The Guide to Unraveling Comorbidity and Finding the Path to Recovery, almost half of all people with schizophrenia also have a history of substance use disorders. “Let’s talk about it. Would you like to sit here, or should we walk and talk? We can do laps around the day area.” Mrs. New Balance Femme Roosevelt shouted at Penelope. She summoned others, people Penelope didn’t even know. And from nowhere and everywhere, the Kerffies joined in too. Air Jordan 9 There were so many of them, and they all spoke at once. Penelope couldn’t understand what they were saying. This wouldn’t happen to her anymore if she had only been able to eat the crayons. Mrs. Roosevelt had been right; she screwed up everything. Maybe she could have eaten them, though, if Claire hadn’t come along. “Where do you want to talk, Penelope?” Between the shouting and Claire’s chatter, Penelope couldn’t think. She grabbed her head. “I…” What did she want to say? If everyone would go away, she could think again. She had to make herself heard above all the noise. PJS Veste De Printemps Homme “Leave…me alone!” She yelled at Claire. Even her heart was upset. It pounded angrily in her chest as though it were trying to bruise her on the inside. Her head felt her hands tremble, and it felt their sweatiness too. Parajumpers Homme Masterpiece Owner “What would help you right now?” Claire remained calm. Even though Penelope wanted her to leave, she appreciated Claire’s soothing voice. “I…need…a…cigarette.” It took a long time to form the words because of all of the roaring voices. Schizophrenia is overwhelming. Needing the hallucinations, delusions, and everything else that goes with schizophrenia to stop, nearly half of people with schizophrenia turn to substance use to self-medicate. In Schizophrenia and Addiction: The Guide to Unraveling Comorbidity and Finding the Path to Recovery, the professionals at drugrehab.org state that the most commonly used substances by people with schizophrenia are

• * alcohol
• * cannabis
• * nicotine
• * cocaine

Consequences of Substance Use

Using substances for any reason has negative consequences for anyone, but for those with schizophrenia, the consequences have dire effects associated with the illness. NIKE LUNAREPIC FLYKNIT The guide Schizophrenia and Addiction… explains that people with schizophrenia who use substances face

• * treatment difficulties
• * increase in severity of medication side-effects
• * decrease in medication’s effectiveness
• * increased legal, social, and medical problems
• * a worsening of symptoms of schizophrenia, meaning more severe life disruption

To put it mildly, schizophrenia is a challenge to live with. The people who turn to substance use are simply trying to deal with a life-altering, all-encompassing illness. Unfortunately, doing so only makes things worse. Getting treatment for both substance use and schizophrenia is essential. Keenan Robinson While treatment is difficult, it is not impossible. A combination of drug rehab, psychiatric care and medication, counseling, group therapy, and sometimes inpatient treatment (hospitalization) can truly help reduce symptoms and allow people to embrace life and thrive again despite schizophrenia.

Be happy. AIR ZOOM PEGASUS 34 In the English language, the idea of happiness is often conceptualized as a passive thing. Air Jordan 13 We ask, “Are you happy?” which implies that one either is or is not happy. This suggests that happiness is a personal characteristic, a character trait that one possess or doesn’t. Air Max 95 Mujer This can lend itself to resignation and the belief that one just isn’t happy. This is an unfortunate consequence of how the English language developed. In reality, happiness isn’t a passive characteristic. Instead, happiness is something active. You DO happy. Doudoune Parajumpers Pas Chere Positive psychology and the overlapping science of happiness study how to enhance happiness enhancement and reduce depression. Driven by the belief that happiness is a basic human right and attainable by all, they examine how happiness is attained. The wording of that is paramount. If happiness can be attained, then it is an active principle rather than a passive one. Happiness is something you do. You have the power to create it (also an action verb). Just as en-JOY is an action verb, so, to is do happy. This is fantastic news because each and every one of us has control over what we do. We choose our actions and behaviors, and our choices can be empowering. Cam Robinson Jersey We can’t control how the people in our lives will act. We can’t always control what will or will not happen in our lives. We can’t control whether or not we develop certain physical and mental illnesses. We can, however, choose our actions and reactions. We can choose behaviors that enhance our happiness. Further, we can choose to do things that reduce depression and anxiety. Our actions can take us far, and that’s empowering because they’re our actions and our choices. Ronnie Harrison Jersey True, it can be hard to choose certain behaviors and to do happy, especially when we’re faced with depression, anxiety, and more. Zapatillas TANJUN But there are ways to get moving despite this. nike air max 1 og homme

Three Tips on How to Do Happy

1. Determine what’s important to you. Brainstorm ideas, then pick one or two top values. Then, think in terms of living for those values every day. What little things can you do every single day that are in line with what’s dear to your heart?
2. Identify your interests and passions. We get so caught up in the tasks of surviving daily life that we often forget about pursuing our passions. This is similar to values but more focused on activities. (A value might be spending quality time with family; a passion might be photography). Nike Air Presto Purposefully schedule time to pursue your passions. Even if it can’t be daily, make it regular (weekly, every other Saturday, etc.) .
3. Throw judgments away to free your actions. Make choices that are right for you, and disregard what others think. Canada Goose Constable Parka Worried that you might be too young to join a knitting circle? Why? Do you like to knit? Do you want to learn from people? Then join the knitting circle. As long as what you want to do is safe for yourself and others, get rid of the evaluations and limits. While you’re doing happy, the naysayers will be watching you and wondering why they can’t be happy.

So get going, and DO happy. Work at it.

One of the great things about books is that they bring people together. AIR ZOOM ELITE 9 Human connection is powerful and good for mental health and wellbeing. Air Jordan 6 (VI) That’s why I decided to host a Q&A session on Goodreads. I’m excited to interact with people, and I’d love to answer any questions you have. What to ask? Great first question. nike tn homme 2017 Ask me anything about one or all of my novels: Twenty-Four Shadows, My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel, Leave of Absence, and Losing Elizabeth. Asics Gel Lyte 3 Homme You can ask about character, setting, background, decisions I made, and more. ADIDAS VALCLEAN2 CMF I’ll answer pretty much anything — other than spoiler stuff, of course. Devon Kennard In addition to writing novels, I write articles. Parajumpers Homme Pas Cher I write extensively for HealthyPlace.com (a weekly blog called Anxiety-Schmanxiety, the main article in their weekly newsletter, and over 100 articles around their website) and I’ve had numerous other articles appear on a variety of websites and print magazines. UNLV Rebels My writing, both fiction and non-fiction, revolves around mental health and mental illness. I’m happy to answer general questions about these, too. (But I can’t give personal advice). Adidas Zx Flux Homme Pas Cher Bring your questions and bring yourself. Come once or come many times between Sunday, August 14th and Friday, August 19th on Goodreads: Tanya J. Peterson Hosts a Q&A.

Writing Twenty-Four Shadows was a risk. It’s a story about Isaac Bittman, his wife, son, and best friend. Isaac’s bizarre encounters and behaviors lead to the discovery that long ago his personality splintered into twenty-four shadows, or alters, thanks to an extended childhood trauma he’s repressed. Wisconsin Badgers Jerseys Malcolm Butler In the not-too-distant past, he would have been given the label multiple personality disorder. Minnesota Golden Gophers California Golden Bears Multiple personality disorder. Isn’t that that thing where people suddenly become weird? Where they pretend to not know what they did to get themselves off the hook? Where they act on strange or violent impulses and then forget they did it? Is it even a legitimate thing? Such questions are some of the many things people wonder about multiple personality disorder. Images and stereotypes are so outdated that even the very term multiple personality disorder is inaccurate. Nike SB Check Multiple personality disorder doesn’t quite fit what this disorder really is. Aaron Rodgers Cal Bears Jersey The official, term for this very real mental illness is dissociative identity disorder (DID). In all fairness to the many people who hold negative stereotypes about DID, there hasn’t traditionally been much information available about this disorder. 2016 Air Max Pas Cher
Minnesota Golden Gophers Jerseys DID has been largely a taboo subject, so information has come from whispers and secrets and black-and-white movies. People who have DID have become like the reclusive person in the dilapidated house on the block, the Boo Radley (To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee) that children are afraid of and fabricate ghost stories about during sleepovers. The misunderstandings about dissociative identity disorder have made it a taboo subject and the people who have it shunned and sometimes shamed. Oklahoma City Thunder I believe in the good in people, and I don’t think this is malicious or intentional. The above misconceptions exist simply because the right information isn’t talked about. Air Jordan 5 For Kids Sometimes it isn’t even readily available. And starting an open conversation about DID has been very difficult.

What Actually is DID?

DID is a rare mental disorder (an estimated one percent of the population or less have DID) whose only cause is severe childhood trauma. nike air max 90 hyperfuse femme The adult brain can’t develop different identities even after extreme trauma. It isn’t biological, chemical, or genetic; it’s only trauma-based. When a young child is severely traumatized, usually from abuse, he/she might separate from his/herself as a form of escape. It’s a coping mechanism known as dissociation, where someone’s consciousness shifts; for example, someone who dissociates might experience the odd sensation of watching him/herself from above. With DID, a child dissociates and takes on different identities to escape from the abuse. NIKE AIR MAX SEQUENT Maybe the child goes off to a distant and remote place. Often, the identities hold strong emotions that are too much for the child. Canada Goose Soldes Over time, these develop into different identities that, without the person realizing it, manifest themselves throughout life. In Twenty-Four Shadows, Isaac’s doctor describes DID to a confused and frightened Isaac and Reese by telling a story about a starfish.

Writing Twenty-Four Shadows was a Risk

Dissociative identity disorder (or multiple personality disorder, as some still know it) is indeed taboo. nike air max flyknit Femme It’s difficult to understand, hard to believe, and even harder to picture actual people having DID. Sometimes people think DID is fabricated, a dramatic ploy for attention. Mens Air Jordan 10 Other times, people think that people who have DID are unpredictable and prone to random violence. As such, many people don’t want to read a story about DID. Canada Goose Banff Parka Others feel that the topic is cliche or irrelevant. Peruse IFC.com’s The 10 Best Split Personality Performances in Movies, and you’ll get a taste of the problem, beginning with the fact that “split personality” is not a correct term. GS Air Jordan 3 These movies range from horrific to farcical, and the list even includes The Lego Movie because of the officer who could change from good cop to bad cop with a twist of his head! No wonder DID is not only taboo but mocked and ignored. There’s a chance that people simply won’t want to read my novel about DID. Adidas Original Zx Flux Homme I’m grateful to Apprentice House Press, a university press out of Loyola University in Maryland, for believing in my writing and the story, because people do have a chance to read Twenty-Four Shadows. Parajumpers Windbreaker Trench It’s entertaining, yes, and is about life and love and struggle and triumph. And it’s also about, not multiple personality disorder but dissociative identity disorder and what it truly is for people who live with it as well as their family and friends. This story, if read, just might help lift the taboo.

The traditional holiday song tells us, “Have yourself a merry little Christmas.” It makes it sound easy, as if we can just snap our fingers and have a wonderful holiday season, whether it’s Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the Solstice, or something else entirely. Is this a wish that is oversimplified? What about people facing stressors and challenges? What about those experiencing mental illness such as anxiety disorders, mood disorders, dissociative disorders, trauma-induced disorders, and much more? Is it possible to have yourself a merry little Christmas despite challenges, even serious mental illness?
I will go out on a limb of a Christmas tree branch and assert that yes, yes it is absolutely possible to have yourself a merry little Christmas no matter what you are facing this holiday season. It’s not a matter of pretending you are perfectly okay and all is right in your world. It’s a matter of choosing your perspective and taking action you want to take.
I recently tried a cycling class. The instructor motivated the class by asking why we were there and how we would make it through the class. I like the way she thinks. Knowing why we do things and how we’re going to get what we want are effective tools we can use to create our life worth living — and our holiday season worth being part of. Here’s how to make yourself merry this holiday season.

Know Your Why

It’s natural to focus on what we don’t’ want. To have a holiday without anxiety would be nice. So would one without relationship problems. Or without depression. Naming all of the things we don’t want for the holidays actually places our focus on those very things; thus, we face barriers in advancing toward what we do want.
Knowing why we want something is an important step in shaping our lives and creating our personal version of a life worth living. Acceptance and commitment therapy calls this the act of defining values. Why do you want to have yourself a merry little Christmas? What does the holiday (or, if you don’t celebrate, what does this time of year in general) mean to you? To make great moments throughout your holiday season, know what you do want and know why you want it.
Understanding your motivation won’t erase troubles, but knowing why you want to enjoy the holidays can provide powerful motivation to get you into the spirit of the season enough to enjoy it. Knowing your why, defining your values and reasons for wanting what you do, is an important part of making yourself a merry little Christmas.
There is a second component that will help you achieve it.

Plan Your How

Once you know exactly what you value about the holiday season and why you value it, you’ll feel the motivation to go further with it.  You can plan how you are going to live your values and embrace what you want to this season.
Facing mental health challenges can make us feel powerless, especially during times full of celebrations, people, lights, and noise. When we know what we want and why we want it, we can then take charge of ourselves and our season. We can use our values to shape our actions. Known as committed action in acceptance and commitment therapy, choosing our actions is an empowering way for us to take charge of our holiday season.
There are many things we cannot immediately change; however, there are also many things that we can change and affect. You know what you want. Now ask yourself how you are going to get it. What little steps are you going to take every day to achieve your why? Knowing why you want to have a great holiday and planning how you are going to do it will enable you to make yourself a merry little Christmas.  
 

Thanks to the work and dedication of many people, the concepts of mental illness and mental health are beginning to emerge from their dark hiding places and experience some much-deserved sunshine. Canada Goose Expedition Parka Mental illness in general is still difficult to discuss and can be met with cold misunderstanding; however, that is beginning to change. Parajumpers Lightweight Simona 6 Doudoune Understanding and empathy are increasing. nike air max 1 femme noir It’s becoming a little bit safer for people experiencing mental illness to seek and receive help. Nike Zoom Crusader A sign that thing are moving in a positive direction in the field of psychology, mental illness, and mental health is that professional and respected book review companies are honoring novels about mental illness and people living with it. Kirkus Reviews has released its list of Best Books of 2016, and Twenty-Four Shadows has been awarded a place on that list. Marcus Cannon   In their review of this novel, Kirkus Reviews said, “An exploration of dissociative identity disorder, this fourth novel by Peterson My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel, 2014, etc.) valiantly addresses the stigma of mental illness….[She] is able to say to the reader in earnest: this is mental illness, this is how it feels.” Twenty-Four Shadows was named to Kirkus Reviews Best Books of 2016 because of the way it addresses dissociative identity disorder, a serious mental illness. Stanford Cardinal For similar reasons, Kirkus Reviews named My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel to their list of Best Books of 2014, further indicating that mental illness (anxiety disorders and avoidant personality disorder) are important to bring into the sunlight. Air Jordan 8 Armani Survetement Other well-known review companies have recognized the novel Twenty-Four Shadows as well. Parajumpers Kodiak The Midwest Book Review lauded it, and The US Review of Books awarded it one of their coveted Recommended ratings. Nike SB Paul Rodriguez 9 adidas gazelle homme blanche All of this is a very good thing. Such honors for a novel that addresses a previously taboo subject shows that society is beginning to open minds and hearts to those living with mental illness. Oklahoma State Cowboys free run 5.0 grigio uomo When readers learn about mental illness through realistic stories, mental illness, and those living with it, are humanized. I speak a bit more about this in the below video, and I read a passage from the novel, too. Canada Goose Solaris Parka Nebraska Cornhuskers Jerseys I invite you to tune in. Air Jordan 13   Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. Justin Pugh Roll-Top Timberland Bottes Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities.

It’s Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, and it’s a very good month indeed. It’s fitting that Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month is February, a month earmarked to celebrate love. Love is an experience that, because it’s such a basic part of being human, isn’t always discussed. It’s just there. It is what it is. It’s an instinct. Unfortunately, while love is an integral part of humanity, it not always easy to know what healthy versus unhealthy love is. This is especially true during adolescence, when teens are pulling away from parents, and friends and dating relationships become important but are new territory. Ironically, abusive relationships have love. After all, it’s highly unlikely that someone would become involved–and stay involved–with someone who was blatantly cruel from the very beginning. The love that a toxic, abusive person (male or female) displays, however, isn’t a healthy love. Abusive love is love that becomes increasingly hollow, twisted and thorny as the relationship progresses. Michigan Wolverines Jerseys Here are some things to watch for, red flags that the “love” in your relationship could be emotionally abusive and thus not love at all. The examples following each come from the middle-grade-reading-level novel Losing Elizabeth.

• The abuser says he/she is really glad to be with you.

  “I think you’re great, too. I’m glad we’re together.”

• The abuser says he/she loves you so much that she doesn’t anything to get in the way.

  “I’m really crazy about you, and I don’t want anything to come between us.”

• The abuser loves you so much that he/she wants to spend a lot of time together, so much time that you are supposed to give up doing other things you enjoy.

  “I don’t want you to be in a play, Elizabeth. We already don’t have enough time together. Canada Goose Solaris Parka Now you want to do something else that will take away from us?”

• The abuser’s love is full of hyperbole — big exaggerations that indicate feelings that are too strong and unrealistic.

  “I’d die if your parents decided that you couldn’t see me anymore.”

• The abuser’s love is demanding because he/she needs to see you whenever he/she wants to. Parajumpers Masterpiece Passport

  “You know I don’t want you to do this. It’ll just take time away from us.”

• The abuser gives gifts, begs for forgiveness, and pleads to stay together after a particularly nasty argument and incidents involving physical violence. The gifts become bigger or more extravagant over time.

  “You are worth more to me than I can buy with my dad’s allowance. Devin McCourty Please forgive me. NIKE ZOOM ALL OUT I love you so much.” or “‘No! Elizabeth! Please don’t break up with me. I don’t want to lose you! I love you. I need you.’ He tried to shove the ring into her hands.”

• The abuser’s love is desperate, sometimes panicked.

  “I’m afraid that once you start the play you won’t have time for me or just won’t want to be with me anymore. Marquette Golden Eagles I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”

• The abuser’s proclamations of love are often followed by confusing, contradictory statements.

  “Liz, I love you, but I don’t think you’re smart enough for these tough classes.”

• The abuser makes you feel that you are responsible for his/her own sense of security and happiness.

  “You’re the only person I have who is close to me, so I want to be around you as much as I can.”

Teen dating violence happens sneakily. When someone shows love, caring, and affection, it’s confusing and hurtful when he/she acts in emotionally or physically violent ways. nike air max 2017 femme rouge Then, when the apologies, gifts, and professions of remorse and love come, it’s tempting to think of the loving behavior he/she is capable of and give the person another chance. Black Red Jordan Shoes On the surface, sometimes the abuser might seem loving. However, when “love” is controlling, demanding. changing, contingent upon something else, stifling, or punishing, it isn’t love at all. It’s abuse. One way to stop teen dating violence is to watch for the type of “love” in a relationship.

Dealing with a traumatic brain injury (TBI) can be overwhelming. The best part of that sentence is the phrase “dealing with.” I know from experience that TBI can indeed be dealt with. A delightful way to do it? Read! It’s brain injury by the book.
A traumatic brain injury can be a pain in the, well, head. Consequences of a brain injury can range from mild to severe. Some are temporary, some can be life-long. TBIs can have physical effects anywhere in the body, emotional/mental health effects, and behavioral effects. Having a pile of favorite books and reading a little every day reduces the negative effects of brain injury.
When I was initially dealing with my own brain injury in 2004, it felt at times like I was no longer the person I had once been. Over the years, I’ve had other people share similar sentiments with me. The brain is our thinking and feeling center, so when it’s injured, of course our thoughts and feelings are affected. Reading books can actually help the brain heal and help us to think and to feel — better.
To be human means to experience ups and downs, to be injured in many different ways. And, beautifully, to be human means to heal and grow and bloom. Healing happens, and we can be an active part in our own healing process. We have the power to enhance our own wellbeing — even with a TBI.

Reading books that I loved truly worked well for me (and still does, as brain injury healing is a process rather than an event). Admittedly, it wasn’t so simple at first thanks to difficulty concentrating, processing, shutting out lights and noise and distraction, and more. However, I read every day as part of my healing regimen, and it worked. To help soothe your brain and recover from a brain injury, read a little every single day.

Brain Injury By the Book: Why Reading Benefits the Brain

Research in fields such as neuroscience, education, and literacy continues to show us that reading is good for us. It’s good for our brain. Whether or not the brain is injured, reading books helps keep it functioning well. Among the benefits the brain receives from reading books:

• * increased overall intellectual functioning
• * increased verbal/language skills
• * improved reasoning
• * enhanced memory
• * improved general functioning and processing
• * increased associative learning
• * improved concentration
• * heightened brain connectivity, communication and processing between different parts of the brain
• * reduction in stress
• * lowered blood pressure
• * decreased muscle tension (good for muscles that might be stiff from injury)
• * improved sleep (a reading routine before bed can benefit sleep)
• * enhanced soothing (reading a book is quieter, less stimulating than watching TV)
• * increased pleasure (books provide an escape, a getaway, a joyful activity key to mental health)

While reading books isn’t an instant cure for a brain injury, doing so is a wonderful way to take charge of your healing every single day. Reading books can exercise the brain and simultaneously soothe it. Reading is something pleasurable to do on a daily basis, too, for pleasure is crucial to mental health and wellbeing. So dealing with brain injury by the book is good for you.
Sources:
Reading Fiction Improves Brain Connectivity and Function 
Stronger Early Reading Skills Predict Higher Intelligence Later
How Reading Can Improve Your Memory (Watch This. No. Read It!)
6 Science-Backed Reasons to Go Read a Book Right Now
8 Science-Backed Reasons to Read a (Real) Book
Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities. (I never share e-mail addresses with anyone.) 

Mental illness in general presents a host of challenges and difficulties. Golden State Warriors All mental illnesses have this in common: they negatively affect thoughts, feelings, and behaviors/actions, and they can interfere in things like relationships and life goals. nike air max 2017 femme blanche nike air max thea homme Mental illnesses also have in common the fact that they don’t take away the good in people and in life. To be sure, mental illness changes things, sometimes negatively. To deny that would be to minimize someone’s very real experiences and challenges. Also, we need to acknowledge the negative so we can address it fully in order to rise above the difficulties presented by any diagnosis of mental illness. Nike Air Max 90 Femme Fleur When I sustained my traumatic brain injury and subsequently received diagnoses of bipolar 1 disorder and anxiety disorders, of course many things in both my inner and outer worlds changed. Acknowledging this played a big part in my ability to transcend it all, to deal with it, rise above it, and learn to thrive in spite of it all. UGG Classic Mini Another realization was just as important in overcoming the difficulties: none of it–neither the brain injury, the bipolar disorder, nor the anxiety disorders–took away the good in my yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows. Mental illness does add difficulties, but it does not take away the good. In the novel Leave of Absence, Penelope Baker is wrestling with her diagnosis of schizophrenia and the effects it has on her life. March Madness Her lament here captures the sentiment of so many people who are living with the challenges presented by mental illness:

I used to be proud of myself. Adidas Yeezy 350 Homme I graduated from the University of Chicago and worked as an advertising executive at Anderson Fletcher.” She paused and hugged the beach ball against her chest. When she resumed, she spoke quietly. AIR MAX 2016 But then I changed, and I’m not the same anymore.

Penelope’s diagnosis of schizophrenia did change some things, including the way her brain functions. West Virginia Mountaineers Jerseys In some ways, she isn’t the same. Wichita State Shockers Jerseys Jacob Parker Jersey But in most ways, the ways that really count, she is the same. Mental illness truly can’t take away the good. Asics Gel Lyte 3 Femme Rose Mental illness can’t:

• erase what you’ve accomplished
• remove your values and beliefs that shape your actions
• take away your character strengths
• make you less of a person
• change who you are at your core.

Living with mental illness does present challenges. But you can draw on what you’ve done in the past, who you are, and what you value to address the challenges and discover new ways of living despite them. Nike Kobe You aren’t your illness, which means that mental illness doesn’t erase the core of who you are. You can use your accomplishments, vales, and strengths in order to live a life driven by these elements rather than one dominated by difficulties. The below video is a short reading from the novel Twenty-Four Shadows. Canada Goose en ligne The book is the story of Isaac Bittman and his family and friend. CORTEZ Isaac has been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder. DID is a completely different mental illness than schizophrenia, but you’ll notice a similar theme to Penelope’s and Issac’s thoughts and feelings. Air Jordan 14 Mental illness can feel like an eraser. NIKE FREE RN It’s not an eraser. Michigan Wolverines Jerseys Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities.

Experiencing any mental illness can be challenging, frustrating, and sometimes debilitating. It is something someone deals with, but it isn’t who someone is. Mental illness is a challenge, not an identity. Blue Black Jordan Shoes

You developed schizophrenia, and I know from talking to you that it’s scary and frustrating and it has brought a lot of changes to your life. Under Armour Rocket But it’s not who you are, Penelope. It is merely something you have to deal with. Your mind plays some pretty nasty tricks on you sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that you are unlovable. — Oliver to Penelope in Leave of Absence

That mental illness, any specific mental illness, isn’t an identity isn’t always easy to believe. Often, people associate their mental health challenges with who they are as a human being. There are multiple reasons for this.

• Mental illnesses impact emotions, and often life feels out of control and hard to handle. It’s natural to believe that these intense, sometimes erratic feelings are a sign that we’re flawed somehow, unable to handle ourselves and the world around us.
• Mental illnesses impacts thoughts. Parajumpers parka Mental illness can impact the way people think about themselves and the world. Nike Air Max Thea Femme Blanche Everyone has what are called faulty thoughts or automatic negative thoughts (like imposing “shoulds” upon yourself or catastrophizing/blowing something out of proportion and stressing out), but mental illnesses have a way of intensifying these thoughts.
• Mental illnesses impact behaviors. Emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are intricately connected, and they affect each other. Faulty thoughts and intense emotions can affect actions people do or don’t take. Anxiety disorders, for example, can be very life-limiting when they prevent people from going out or doing certain things because of fear and worry.
• Society doesn’t fully understand mental illness. Phoenix Suns A word commonly used for this misunderstanding is stigma. Canada Goose Chateau Parka There’s a lot of misperceptions about what mental illness really is, and this can negatively impact how someone living with mental illness is treated. Sometimes, outsiders see the mental illness before seeing the real person experiencing it.

Together, these can cause someone believe that mental illness is who they are. The truth is that mental illness (again, any particular mental illness) has affected the brain, not the essence of who we are. Memphis Tigers Jerseys The truth is that there are numerous treatments available to reduce the impact mental illnesses have on emotions, actions, and thoughts. The truth is that understanding can be taught. By listening to people’s shared stories, by reading memoirs and non-fiction books and articles about mental illness, by reading novels that show what these challenges are like for people, society as a whole is developing deeper understanding of what mental illness really is and what people living with mental health challenges experience. The truth is that mental illness isn’t who you are. AIR MORE UPTEMPO Therefore, you can rise above the illness to thrive. Journalism students from the University of Oregon interviewed me for a production for Allen Hall Studios. I share a bit about my own experience with mental illness — and transcending it. Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. Asics Gel Lyte 3 Femme Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities.

Today might be April Fool’s Day, but this exciting announcement is no prank: Twenty-Four Shadows will be released on May 1, exactly one month from now. UGG Classic Tall Incidentally, that’s May Basket Day, and it’s the beginning of Mental Health Awareness Month. That’s better than pranking people on April 1st. Scarpe Air Jordan 13 On May 1st, you can fill a basket with a something fun, like a book — Twenty-Four Shadows, perhaps — and learn about mental health for yourself or someone you care about. free run 5.0 verde uomo In the novel, family man Isaac Bittman’s mysterious and progressively violent mood swings, swings he usually can’t remember, begin to unravel the lives of those closest to him. A series of bizarre encounters and behaviors lands him in a treatment center, where the childhood trauma he’s repressed for decades leads to revelations that his personality has splintered into twenty-four shadows, or “alters.” The novel intricately weaves together Isaac’s internal angst and his wife and best friend’s struggles to retain both a private and public semblance of normalcy. When the personality splinters, fragments, shatters, different identities are created within someone’s psyche. Nike Air Jordan 6 Womens
The term for this is dissociative identity disorder; it used to be known as multiple personality disorder. Canada Goose Mystique Parka It’s hard to understand, and Isaac’s doctor, Dr. Parajumpers Midseason Adirondack Veste Charlie, finds great ways to help him understand it. Once, he tells Isaac and his wife, Reese, a story about a starfish. Canada Goose Constable Femme   A bit of advance praise for the novel: “Twenty-Four Shadows is a captivating portrait of the struggle, love and sometimes loss involved with those enduring mental illness. Tanya has created a complex character who takes the reader on a journey through his inner strife. This tale keeps you immured to the very last page!” —O’Donis Person, Psychiatric RN, motivational coach Look for it in paperback and eBook on May 1, 2016, or pre-order your copy now at Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.com. Canada Goose Pas Cher   Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. UGG Bailey Button Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities.

 
Devoting the last days of summer summer to reading can seem like a wonderful, relaxing way to enjoy the waning season. It seems easy, too. All you need is a pile or three of books, and you’re set. Unfortunately, it isn’t quite that simple. Life tends to get in the way, and before you know it, Labor Day is here and you’ve hardly made a dent in your August reading list. To avoid that nightmare, here are some light-hearted suggestions for how to devote the last days of summer to reading.

Read on vacations.

August is often a time for family trips. These can be spendy. Your books can save you quite a bit of money on tickets, food, souvenir mugs, and t-shirts that read, “My guts didn’t erupt on Mt. Vesuvius, Volcanic Roller Coaster of Doom.” Send your family on their merry way each day, telling them that by you staying back at the hotel pool, there will be more money for back-to-school clothes. The term “back-to-school” will send them running away from you at high speeds, leaving you to settle in for hours of uninterrupted time with a good book.

Read on camping trips.

After a full day of adventures and taking in nature’s beauty, wouldn’t it be nice to snuggle into your sleeping bag and have another adventure in the world of your novel? Go ahead. You’ve earned it after slathering sunscreen on wiggling kids, shooing bees and shushing screams during lunch, and removing a leech and shushing screams after the family swim. To make reading time after everyone in the tent has fallen asleep, turn on your headlamp and the headlamp you’ve hung over the crossbar at the top of the tent. Allow as smile to spread across your face as you sink into your pillow and pick up where you left off. When your fellow tent-mates wake up and protest, point to the headlamp hanging from the crossbar, tell them the moon has come to visit, read Goodnight Moon aloud once, then instruct them to go back to sleep. Return to your book and read to your heart’s content.

Read on rainy days.

Even hot, sunny August has its share of rainy days. When thunderstorms send everyone scampering indoors and you can’t curl up, sip tea, and enjoy your book, organize a game of hide and seek. When everyone else is wriggling into hiding spaces, it’s your chance to grab your book, make a quick and quiet exit, and go hide in the library.

Read on sports fields.

Summer sports wind down in August, but this tip will help you deal with what’s left and get set for fall sports. It’s hard to read with coaches and kids making noise and other parents trying to strike up a conversation with you. The best way to get in your book fix is to step into the role of team parent. In this leadership role, you delegate all the tasks you don’t want. Then, at each game or practice, conveniently forget the things you were supposed to bring, dramatically announce that you’ll go get the stuff because you care about the team, and then drive to a secluded, shady place and get lost in your book.

Read on the beach.

Ah, the beach. This is the classic summer reading location. Lying on a towel can be uncomfortable, and any children who happen to be with you can seriously limit your chance to read. To get around this so you can get into your book, challenge the kids to, rather than build sand castles, build you a lounge chair complete with an umbrella and beverage holder. Show them how very proud you are of them and how much you love what they built by sitting in it and reading for the rest of the afternoon. You wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings by not using it.
 
Late-summer reading is serious business. Each and every book on your to-be-read list offers adventure, escape, emotional rides, new awareness, wonderful people, and more. Summer is about enjoying life. Books are about enjoying life. For the best summer ever, all the way through August, slip into a good story whenever you can.

 
 

Life, quite unfortunately, isn’t perfect. Things don’t always happen the way we want them to, and sometimes mistakes are made. Big or small, mistakes can negatively impact us and/or those around us. As irksome as they can be, mistakes are simply events, incidents in our lives, but they don’t need to become our lives, taking over our well-being. How we react to mistakes affects our mental health.
Recently, a very big mistake was brought to my attention. After reading Twenty-Four Shadows, a reader contacted me to inform me that there was a mistake at the end of the book. The About the Author page was inserted a few pages before the end of the story, thus disrupting the flow of the ending. Shocked, I investigated further. The entire interior contained errors because the publisher accidentally used the proof copy rather than the final version. Therefore, all of the copies purchased between May 1 and approximately June 24 were the wrong version.
I also learned recently that my new business cards have my e-mail address listed incorrectly. I swear I looked at it carefully when I was reviewing the order, but apparently I didn’t look carefully enough. This makes two big mistakes that could negatively affect me.
When facing mistakes, ours or someone else’s, we have the choice to react in different ways.

1. Focus on the mistakes When dealing with problems, it’s easy to focus almost exclusively on what’s wrong. While we do need to pay attention to mistakes so we can correct them, focusing too much on them actually prevents us from addressing and fixing them. When we fixate on mistakes, we don’t have room for solution-focused thoughts, and as a result, we remain stuck and frustrated.
2. Focus on the consequences (or imagined consequences) When something goes wrong, it’s normal for humans to look ahead and foresee all that could continue to go wrong. A degree of this is good; it’s part of planing and repairing damages. If we don’t know what problems the mistake could cause, we’re not motivated to do something about it. However, this can easily spiral out of control, harming our mental health. The act of imagining everything that could go wrong and blowing it out of proportion is known as catastrophizing. Catastrophizing can increase anxiety and stress and prevent us from taking effective action. If I imagined that “everyone” would think I was unprofessional and incompetent because of the error in the books and thus never want to read anything I write again, my anxiety would surely skyrocket, and I would find it difficult to step back and problem-solve.
3. Become angry and blame No one loves a mistake. Mistakes interrupt our ability to live in a perfect world. Mistakes do have consequences. Readers don’t appreciate buying a final version of a novel that is actually the proof copy. People trying to contact me via e-mail aren’t able to reach me. That could be a problem. Sometimes mistakes are big, and they can’t be lightly laughed off. However, if we allow ourselves to get angry, and more importantly, stay angry, we remain stuck. And stressed. And maybe anxious. Definitely miserable. Not only is our mental and emotional health impacted, anger doesn’t move us forward. Anger keeps us keyed up, spinning, and less able to take effective action. Also, anger decreases our ability to connect with others to move forward.
4. See it as a single event in the grand scheme of your life, and keep going forward. This is known as perspective. Yes, my publisher (Apprentice House, whom I am very pleased with and look forward to working with again) made a big mistake. But mistakes happen. This mistake doesn’t affect all of the writing and speaking and connecting I’ve done up to this point. It doesn’t take away the good things. It might have been off-putting to a few people, but I can’t control the reactions of others. Others might be understanding. Some won’t care, while others might want a different copy. Some people might have attempted to reach me via the incorrect address on my card. I might have lost some potentially good connections, and that’s too bad. But others have used the contact form on my website (that’s how I was alerted to the mistake). No matter what, I know at least three things:

• The mistakes have already happened. They’re in the past, and there’s no going back.

• I can choose my reaction going forward, which will determine my actions.

• Choosing a healthy perspective will keep me in a mentally healthy state, and I will be equipped to handle the mistakes.

Of course no one likes mistakes. Sometimes (okay, a lot of times), they happen. The beautiful thing is that you have choices. How you react to mistakes affects your mental health, so what are you going to do next time you’re faced with a mistake?
 
Sign up for my free monthly newsletter, Wellbeing & Words. Each issue is packed with useful tips for enhancing mental health and wellbeing, reading-related tidbits, and updates about my own mental health writing and activities. (I never share e-mail addresses with anyone.) 

For a “basic” human emotion, love certainly can be confusing. It’s not as cut-and-dried as a neutral observer  might expect it to be. For example, one might think that love, real love, doesn’t hurt. And it shouldn’t. Love should never hurt. Sometimes it does, though. Sometimes one partner in a relationship is toxic. The hurt is direct in the form of actions and words, and the hurt is indirect in the form of actions and words–actions and words that seem kind, caring, loving.
Recently, I spoke to 11th grade health classes about mental health. Students had many questions about a variety of topics. One topic that was raised more than once was that of relationships. High school juniors, both males and females, wondered about behaviors of their boy/girlfriends. Where is the line, they wondered, between love and control?
When someone is in the middle of a toxic, abusive relationship, that’s a line that is often hard to determine. Controlling behavior is typically masked by sweet talk and caring behavior. An abuser is masterful at making control look like love.

I don’t want you to be in a play, Elizabeth. We already don’t have enough time together. Now you want to do something else that will take away from us?  (Losing Elizabeth*)

Effective ways of helping end the confusion between love and abuse include:

• having conversations, one-on-one, in small groups, and in larger discussions such as the ones I had in high school classrooms
• making books both fiction and non-fiction available in places where people go (schools, libraries, doctors offices, mental health centers/counseling offices, and more)
• creating small, business-card-sized cards with information and help lines and disseminating them in public places; this makes information accessible and discreet

I was shopping in a TJ Maxx store the other day, and I found such cards in their restroom:

These cards are underwritten by The TJX Companies, Inc, and are fantastic. They’re placed by the paper towels and are easy to grab and stick in a pocket, wallet, or purse. The front describes what love is and is not, and the back has a bulleted list of tips for staying safe. And it contains this hotline information:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

1-800-787-3223 (TTY)

Anonymous and Confidential Help 24/7

www.theHotline.org

Abuse comes in many forms. Emotional. Verbal. Physical. The types of abuse can occur on their own but often are combined.

Sharing knowledge is sharing power. And love.

*Losing Elizabeth is a novel about an emotionally abusive relationship written at the middle-grade level and appropriate for older adolescents and adults as well. The story, inspired by the high number of students I had when I was a high school teacher who became trapped in toxic relationships

Being human can be difficult. Beginning in toddlerhood and lasting for the rest of our lives, we navigate our many worlds that include other human beings and, of course, ourselves. Mistakes and transgressions abound. We get hurt, sometimes deeply. The wounds of life and love and all types of relationships can take an emotional toll.
Hanging onto them can often have an even greater impact than the initial transgressions, for as we ruminate over them, we hold on to the hurt and the hatred. When we hang onto this pain, our mental health and wellbeing suffer; we can lose sleep, joy, a sense of health and feeling well, the ability to move forward, and more.
How are we supposed to move forward? To recover peace and wellbeing and mental health? A wealth of studies indicate that one very powerful, very important thing to do and feel is to practice forgiveness. To be sure, forgiveness is a great concept in theory. In practice, it can be both dubious and difficult. After all, we’ve been hurt, sometimes with big consequences for our lives. Yes, forgiveness is healing for us, for our mental health and wellbeing, but how do we possibly do it? Below, are five ways to forgive.

1. Perspective-take. We’re all human, and we’re all imperfect. Every single one of us has reasons behind our imperfect behavior. Sometimes the reasons are small, such as we’re overtired and hungry and we lash out because we’re not functioning well in the moment. Sometimes there are bigger issues behind behavior, things in our past that others may not even know about.
   Consider that someone did have a driving force behind the hurtful behavior. Even if you don’t agree with the reason, and of course you don’t approve of the behavior driven by it, stepping back and taking a broader perspective (walking in someone else’s shoes) can help you find forgiveness.
2. Separate yourself from the other person. This is an extension of perspective-taking. Each and every one of us operates from our own personal story, complete with backstory, characters, story line, conflict, etc. How someone treats you has more to do with their own story and who they are as a character in their story than it does with you.
3. Focus on the positive — your positive. You operate from a narrative too, and you are your own protagonist. Keep track of all your strengths, all the good that you do. Make a list, write about them in a journal, create a collage; choose what suits you, just do something to make yourself notice and embrace your strengths. This takes the punch out of the other person’s words and actions, and it makes it easier to forgive and dismiss.
4. Separate yourself from what was said or done. You can’t control what someone does or says, but you can control your reactions. You don’t have to agree with what was said or accept what was done. Think about what happened, and if you think the person was off base, dismiss it — let it go.
5. Write it down, and pick it apart.
   Sometimes, someone’s words or behavior can make us see them with anger and hurt. It’s hard to deal with when our emotions are a jumbled mess inside. When this happens, it’s time to untangle. Get the hurt and frustrations and ruminations out of your head and onto paper. List the transgressions and what they mean to you. Then, step back and take a good look. How bad are these things, really? The ones that aren’t all that bad, that won’t have many long-term consequences, can more easily be dismissed and forgiven. With the bigger ones, now that they’re out in front of you, can be addressed. Plans can be made to recover. You couldn’t control what happened, but you are in control now. When you realize that you can take charge of the situation, you gain power. And when you gain power, you can forgive and move on.

Will these five ways to forgive change what happened? Of course not. But forgiving isn’t about erasing. It’s about letting go. Forgiveness is a state of mind that is more about you than it is the other person. Hanging on and withholding forgiveness keeps the hurt alive and burning within you.

Early one morning while exercising on my elliptical machine, I had an epiphany. Jordan Jumpman (The repetitive motion of equipment that goes nowhere allows one’s mind to wander.) This epiphany of mine involved nothing esoteric. It was simply this: as a society, we focus so much on the negative that it impacts our attitude, our well-being, and the attitudes and well-being of our children, the up-and-coming group of adults. This revelation is nothing new. Yet this negative focus is so prevalent that we aren’t fully aware of it anymore. It rose up into my consciousness this morning because I was thinking of my children and the things they’ve been talking about. First, a disclaimer: my kids aren’t negative. They’re in middle school and high school, and they both love school—their teachers, their subjects, their friends. They are both very active in extracurricular activities. My high schooler is an active volunteer in the community. New Balance Chaussures They’re happy and well-adjusted. Villanova Wildcats Jerseys Yet the focus of their conversations is often on the negative, the problems, in the world. They both get very indignant about things they care about. Discussions about the pro-choice/pro-life issue, gay marriage, the economy, homelessness, sports both local and professional, and the like are common, everyday discussions at our house. Perhaps we need to change to lighter topics, but I don’t think so. The issue isn’t the topic; it’s the way it’s framed. My kids are both blessed and cursed by the political-philosophical orientation of my husband and me. Lightweight Schroeder Blouson We are almost polar opposites. My husband is nestled comfortably on the right, and I’m planted on the left (well, that’s not entirely true because when it comes to social issues like human rights, we’re both on the left). UGG Pas Cher In our attempts to encourage our kids to think for themselves, to develop strong values and principles, to be advocates for justice and for change when needed, I realized suddenly that my husband and I talk a lot about the things that are “wrong” in our society. The kids do receive a somewhat balanced perspective thanks to their parents’ differing philosophies, but still, the focus is on why “x” is horrible and why “y” doesn’t work. What if we were to shift our focus? Rather than pointing out all of the absurdities in our various systems, what if we approached it from a different angle? Instead of focusing on the gripes, what about looking at what is right plus why people think changes are needed? What about looking at motivations and passions and positive reasons for change? What about rather than bashing politicians, looking at things they are doing (or trying to do)? Turn on the news. Pick up a paper or a magazine. Go online – not just to news sites but to social media sites as well. What attitudes dominate? Is there more gripe or more praise? Attitude and outlook affect well-being. Damien Harris Jersey They affect stress levels. They contribute to mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. Not so coincidentally, when therapists work with clients trying to overcome stress or anxiety or depression or relationship issues or problems at work, one thing that is emphasized is though patterns. Using an approach scientifically proven to be effective known as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), counselors help clients identify negative thinking patterns and to replace them with positive ones (realistically positive, not froo-froo positive). I am extremely proud that my kids care about their world and the people in it. Canada Goose Manteau Homme I’m proud that they’re performing so very well. But I’m concerned that they are becoming negative-focused. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie Rather than being so indignant about what is wrong, I want them to celebrate what is right and honor what people care about and are trying to accomplish. Change can occur better when we work from a positive mindset rather than a negative one. Crazylight Boost Primekni I shared my elliptical epiphany with my husband, and he agreed (a positive!). He didn’t even realize how problem-heavy everything is. We’ve agreed to reframe our discussions. We’re going to celebrate rather than criticize. My primary wish for my family is for well-being. A positive focus goes a long way toward well-being. Positivity makes things more light-hearted, too, another essential component of well-being. Then, after our dinner discussion that focuses on passion and positivity, we’ll bake cookies. Air Jordan 6 For Kids That’s light-hearted and positive, too.

I used to live my life in fear of doing things wrong or just not good enough so that I would fail at every endeavor. I also worried about being judged negatively by others. This anxiety is a mixture of generalized anxiety (“what if I’m not good enough and bad things happen?”) and social anxiety (“what if I say the wrong thing or don’t say the right thing or do something so ridiculous that others think I’m totally incompetent and inferior). Indeed, there is a strong link between anxiety and perfectionism.

I was recently invited to speak to a creative writing class at a local high school. Despite the fact that I’ve been a high school teacher and counselor–and enjoyed both a great deal–the old me would have been highly anxious, probably to the point of physical illness and great misery.

The very first time I gave a presentation on mental illness and a reading from my novel Leave of Absence, I was so anxious I experienced derealization (the sense that the world around us isn’t quite real, is often flat and colorless and distant) off and on during the two-and-a-half hour drive from my house to the venue. My editor happens to live along the way and invited me (read: ordered me) to her house where she showed me her elaborate garden and served me chamomile tea in order to calm me down. It worked. Sort of. Physically, I felt calmer, but my anxious mind still raced with worry and fear.

That was several years ago. When I speak now, I’m not consumed by anxiety. Well, I have a degree of anxiety every time, but that’s healthy. Some anxiety keeps us alert and on our toes, ready and engaged. I did not experience debilitating anxiety that dominated my experience. So what happened? Why the change from anxious to calm in very similar situations? The answer is complex, of course, for overcoming anxiety (or any other difficulty be it related to mental health, physical health, relationships, etc.) takes time, effort, and more than one approach. While I’ve used a variety of techniques to transcend anxiety (yes, I have risen above it, but sometimes I fall back down in which case I work to rise up again), I think that one of the most effective approaches was to change my perspective from one of looking at things with dread and fear to looking at life with passion and fun.

When I began to shift my focus on the fact that I might screw up and instead began to concentrate on why I do what I do–on my passion and my purpose–I found that my anxiety decreased. I write and speak with a passion and purpose: to connect with others and to help them help themselves increase their wellbeing. That is something bigger than I am. What I do isn’t about me or my ego. It’s about the greater subject.

When I take the focus off myself and put it where it’s supposed to be, I find my anxiety decrease and my effectiveness increase. Ironically, by not worrying about failing, I am more likely to succeed. This focus on purpose and passion rather than on failure and my personal shortcomings has another advantage, one which further reduces anxiety. Finding my passion and holding on to the purpose for doing what I do decreases anxiety and helps me relax, which in turn leads to a sense of fun.

Fun? How can anything possibly be fun in anxiety land? Awhile back, before an interview, I was talking to a former colleague and mentor. He had two wise words of wisdom, and only two: have fun. I scoffed inwardly. Until I tried his advice.  I focused on my passion and my purpose rather than the worry, and I enhanced it by thinking of what I was doing as fun. It ended up being easier than I thought, because what I was doing was truly fun.

My new perspective reminded me that I love to write and speak and connect with people, to interact in meaningful ways. To converse and even to laugh. To be passionate rather than anxious, to have fun rather than to take life too seriously. When we replace worry and fear anxiety with a sense of passion, purpose, and fun, anxiety shrinks to make room for fun in whatever it is we’re doing. It seems to be true that what we focus on is what we make happen.

You care. You want to say the right thing to a friend, family member, coworker, or neighbor who is going through a difficult time. You want to be supportive, but knowing exactly what is and is not supportive can be tricky. Experiencing mental illness or even non-mental-illness-related general emotional upheaval can throw off someone’s entire world. It’s often inaccurate to say that life is turned upside down, for life doesn’t always hold still enough to even stay upside down. It twists and turns and spins out of control, taking the person with it. The last thing we ever want to do is make things worse.
Sometimes we don’t know how to handle our loved ones when they are wrestling with mental health challenges. Sometimes, for fear of making things worse, we say nothing. This, though, can be hurtful because it can make someone feel isolated and alone. Since we don’t want to be hurtful, we often decide to say something. Some things we say work better than others. To help people help those loved ones in crisis or in a difficult period, people have written lists of what not to say. PsychCentral, for example, has an article available entitled 9 Things Not to Say to Someone with Mental Illness. These tips of what not to say are indeed helpful.
However, although knowing what not to say is useful, it’s also important to know some things to say to someone experiencing mental illness or general tough times. To that end, I’ve compiled a list of 13 things to say to support and help someone going through tough times for any reason. They’re gathered from the books I’ve written, because those books are meant to realistically portray mental health challenges for the main characters and those in their lives. They’re fiction, yes, but they are also very real. The characters say things to each other that are helpful in the real world. Without further ado…

13 Things to Say to Someone Experiencing Tough Times

• “I know you’re hurting.” (Penelope to Oliver, Leave of Absence)

• “We’re going to get through this together, my friend.” (Penelope to Oliver, Leave of Absence)

• “You are very important to a lot of people.” (Penelope to Oliver, Leave of Absence)

• “You’re a good person who deserves to be well.” (Oliver to Penelope, Leave of Absence)

• “Maybe it’s time to let go of the past and embrace your new self and your new friends.” (Oliver to Penelope, Leave of Absence.”

• “You got this. Believe in yourself.” (Roger to Brian, My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel)

• “Maybe we can both walk side by side.” (Brian to Abigail, My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel)

• “Let’s talk about it. We’re just going to have a conversation, and it’s a very safe one.” (Dr. Greene to Brian, My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel)

• “You’re my friend, Brian, and I’m yours. Let’s go play in the rain.” (Abigail to Brian, My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel)

• “C’mon. Let’s open the door together.” (Sammi to Brian, My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel)

• “I will talk to you any time you’d like.” (Sarah to Elizabeth, Losing Elizabeth)

• “Well, we really haven’t talked or anything in a while. I guess I just wanted to see how things were going with you.” (Meg to Elizabeth, Losing Elizabeth)

• I want to help you. Please talk to me when you’re ready.” (Meg to Elizabeth, Losing Elizabeth)

There is a theme that runs through these things to say to someone experiencing tough times. They’re not earth-shattering. They’re not therapy. Their theme is support and the offer of presence and a listening ear.

The other day, in need of research materials for the novel I’m writing, I rode my bike to my local library. AIR MAX LD-ZERO When I arrived, I dismounted and began to carefully weave my way up the sidewalk in search of an empty space on a bike rack. Parajumpers Mystic As I scanned the area, Air Max 2015
I was struck by a site that stopped me in my tracks. It touched my heart. There, on the rack in front of me, Crazylight Boost Primekni were two drastically different “people carriers:” This quiet, simple little scene speaks loudly about what it means to be human:

• Being human has no minimum requirements;
• We, as humans, all want to secure what possessions we have because we want to feels safe;
• We all like to get outside and relish in a nice day–we all love the feeling of spring in February;
• Human beings, all of us, like to do pleasurable things such as enjoy books at the library;
• We seek knowledge;
• We, North Carolina Tar Heels Jerseys as humans, Air Jordan 7 Retro deserve to be in spaces where there are other humans–it lessens loneliness;
• Being human doesn’t require a certain lifestyle or financial status.

Being human, Clemson Tigers at it’s basic level, means “being.” Regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, Parajumper Gobi Femme sexual orientation, creed, education, financial status, physical health, and mental health, James White we all live here together. See past the bicycle. PURE BOOST See past the shopping cart. See what’s important; see that we are humans,

  Happy happiness! And by default, I tell you also, “Happy maximum mental health!” It’s a great day to start celebrating being happy. What, though, does this actually mean? I’m happy you asked, and I’m happy to share my own humble answer. Chuck Posite Is happiness simply the opposite of sadness? I think it transcends that. Sadness, strife, and struggle are part of the human experience. So are happiness, harmony, and exhilaration. We humans are complex, and we don’t live in an either-or state. We can be happy overall even though we grapple with difficulties. Happiness is also more than a fleeting emotion. It’s an integral part of mental health and well-being. Positive psychology, also nicknamed the science of happiness, seeks to discover what it is that constitutes a life worth living, and perhaps more important, what people can do, what traits they can hone, to create their own life worth living. The exciting and probably not-so-surprising news is that these happiness scientists are learning that it’s not what happens on the outside that induces a state of happiness and mental health but instead what we attend to on the inside. (Yes, attend to. All humans have inside of us the stuff that creates happiness. It’s just a matter of personalizing it and nurturing it.) The science of happiness points to, among other things, the practice of gratitude, of flow, and of identifying and using our strengths. Shifting our outlook, our “inlook” (as in how we view ourselves), and our actions can help us intensify our state of happiness and sense of peace. One outspoken champion of mental health, well-being, and happiness is Aleks George Srbinoski. An expert in success and happiness strategies, he’s the founder of FulfillingHappiness.com. His latest, recently released book is titled Maximum Mental Health: Overcome Depression, Anxiety, and Other Mental Illnesses with 20 Principles for Happier and Healthier Living. In this practical and insightful book, Srbinoski presents useful information and tools in a way that helps people enhance their mental wellness immediately and long term. asics lyte 3 rosso uomo A large part of happiness, related to our ability to find flow, practice gratitude, and recognizing and using our strengths, is how we see ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. This is the “inlook” to which I referred to above. (Yes, I made up the word. Don’t judge.) What do we discover when we reflect inward into the core of who we are? Srbinoski address this concept in Maximum Mental Health. He discusses the relationship of who we are on the inside, what we do on the outside, and how these impact mental health. To celebrate the release of Maximum Mental Health as well as International Happiness Day, Srbinoski has shared one of his favorite chapters from the book—Sensational Self Image: Construct New Beliefs and Emotions to Strengthen identity, enhance self-esteem and build empowering belief systems.” Another happy surprise: he has placed the first two chapters of Maximum Mental Health on FulfillingHappiness.com, and they’ll be there for people to read in full until early next week. In addition to the rest of it, I love this line from the chapter: “Like movie watching, it is not the canister that people look at, but what shines from it it.” Now, Aleks Sribinoski and I present to you this chapter from Maximum Mental Health and ways to create and enjoy the movie within you.  

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Sensational Self Image: Construct new beliefs and emotions to strengthen identity, enhance self-esteem and build empowering belief systems She is ugly and defective. She spends almost all her waking hours (and some of her sleeping ones as well) obsessing over her appearance. Whatever she tries, nothing can hide her unsightliness. If only she was taller and thinner, especially around the waist. She can hide her knees, legs and feet, but not always her rough and bony hands. Then, of course, there is her face. Eyes are too far apart, ears stick out, nose is crooked, teeth are stained, lips too thin, cheeks are droopy, forehead overly high and hair too frizzy. Make-up can only do so much!   Next stop – surgery. Followed by – more surgery. Then – a little more surgery and maybe a little more after that …   He is dumb and dopey. No matter how hard he tries, he always loses. He was only accepted into his third choice university. He foolishly chose not to study medicine and only completed a Masters but not a Doctorate. It took him six whole months to find a suitable position in his obscure profession after graduation. Nobody respects him or his profession. They know he is a fraud. He needs to find a way to do more. If only he was quicker. If only he hadn’t made all those stupid choices and did those higher courses. Just like his degree, he’s practically useless!   Next stop – medical school. Followed by – business school. Then – law school …   He thinks she is beautiful. She thinks he is intelligent. Neither love themselves or feels good enough for the other. She loves him and he loves her but they don’t believe each other! Before a major cosmetic surgery, patients are often advised to see a Psychologist. This is for two basic reasons. One is to see if a change on the outside will actually be accepted as a positive change on the inside (to their self-image). Secondly, will the surgery just lead to more imperfection seeking and obsessiveness, or will the change be appreciated and lead to greater overall happiness and life satisfaction? Our true problems are rarely visible! Changing your face or having more diplomas on your wall will not change who you are. Only an internal adjustment can change who you are. Who you are is what you project. Like movie watching, it is not the canister that people look at, but what shines from it. What shines from it is based on how the film has been shot and organized inside of it. Jordan Galaxy Your self-image, how you view and refer to yourself, influences all your major life decisions. Although “Behavior is King,” and continuing to act in a way that corresponds with your values and goals
will lead to changes in your self-image, developing empowering beliefs about who you are makes it easier to feel good about yourself and the process of acting towards your values much easier. Moncler Doudounes   Our Deepest Fears To figure out our deepest fears, consider the babies in the orphanage from the chapter “Praise Pays.” What was it that the children were starved of?   Physical expressions of … love!   What would someone who receives little to no love from significant people conclude about themselves? That there must be something wrong with them, that they are “not good enough.” All disempowering beliefs stem off these two—that “you’re not good enough” and because you’re not good enough, you won’t be loved. Failure, embarrassment, rejection, and so on, all these natural and inevitable painful experiences if not dealt with in an empowering fashion will lead to feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness (both relating to not being good enough) and to question whether you can be loved. It’s true, not everyone receives as much love as they should, but that doesn’t mean that difficult past experiences should have to dictate your present self-image and future possibilities.   Rules of empowerment Harness Your Uniqueness: You are you. There is only one of you, and that is the source of your power. No one looks like you or can do what you can as a whole. As discussed in “Authentic Achievement” you have your own unique strengths and limitations. When you do utilize your strengths in the right way, no one can create what you can create. To do this you must … Seek Self-Acceptance: The ultimate confidence comes when you have nothing to hide. You do have physical imperfections and knowledge gaps. Self-esteem that is too low will limit you. Reuben Foster Jersey If it is too high you run the risk of not valuing and avoiding the true effort required for success. To do this you must … Move beyond Labels: You are more than “good” or “bad.” Those labels are far too simplistic. We’ve all made mistakes and we’ve all done wonderful things. Who you are depends not on the past, but what you are moving towards right now! If you are moving towards your values (not those of others) and progressing at the right speed for you (in acceptance of fears, doubts, and previous failures), then you are on the right path. When on the right path, you must … Praise Your Potential: Be curious, open and appreciative of what you discover. If you allow it, your own potential will surprise and humble you. It has happened to you many times in the past. Do not try to force progression, inspire it. Always seek lessons from positive and painful experiences. To do this you must … Decide what it will mean: Whether you face a positive or painful experience, the answer should always be the same. “How do I use this in an empowering way?” All scars and setbacks have a story and once accepted can be transformed into symbols of strength and greater purpose. To do that, it is important to re-frame difficult experiences in order to replace limiting beliefs.   Example Re-frames for Common Limiting Beliefs

1. I’m not good enough

You know what, you’re right! You’re not good enough. If you were, you would already have whatever it is you are working towards. The point is that no one is instantly successful. No one is good enough in the beginning. It’s a process. Therefore, one way to directly challenge this belief is… Re-frame: My competence grows with effortful practice.  

2. I don’t deserve it (unworthy)

Why not you? Why does some other chump deserve the win more than you do? The way I see it, everybody (except for the truly troubled and cruel) deserves a great life. Everybody deserves to win. Now of course, not everybody will, which means when you do get a win, it should be doubly celebrated. The trouble of course is guilt. Somewhere along the line you were taught others deserve more than you because they worked harder or are more disadvantaged or whatever. Rubbish! If they get a win, great, good on them. If you’re smart, you’ll pay attention to what they did so you can do better next time. If you get a win, even better, good on you! It’s that simple. Re-frame: Whether I win or not, I deserve success. Julio Jones Jersey  

3. I’m a failure

If you were a failure, you’d be dead by now. As long as you’re breathing and moving, there is only one way to fail and that is to stop trying to learn. Now it’s actually pretty hard to stop learning. Considering we are designed to learn, you would actually have to interrupt your very nature in order to attempt to do so. The only sure-fire way to do that is to die. It’s never about failure, but rather how you perceive the learning process. Re-frame: I’m a learner (and a pretty darn stubborn one too).  

4. I don’t have the money/time/resources

Neither does that guy, or that girl, or that annoying 15-year-old kid tinkering in his or her parents’ shed and on their way to becoming a multi-millionaire. St. Johns Jerseys It’s never a question of money/time/resources but passion, perseverance and resourcefulness. There is always time if you want it bad enough and are patient. There is always a way to find more money/resources if you keep connecting to more and more people and are patient enough. The key is patience and perseverance. Both are essential traits. Re-frame: I will consistently work at it and find the money/time/resources.  

5. I’m going to get laughed at (embarrassed, rejected)

Yes, yes you are. If not laughed at, then you will be ridiculed in some other way. There is an a-hole in every bunch. However, also realize it’s a lot rarer than you think. Timberland 14 Inch Bottes Most people, and hopefully that includes the ones closest to you are supportive. The question is what does it mean? The answer is what people say about others is much more a reflection of them than of the person they are referring to. In other words, being laughed at is more about them attempting to mask their own fears and inadequacies than yours. Re-frame: The people that matter will appreciate and respect my efforts. I appreciate and respect my efforts.  

6. I won’t be able to maintain it if I am successful

This one’s a doozy. Welcome to the strange world of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is based on a real problem, being that maintaining and growing success takes more effort and sustainable growth than the initial achievements. It’s hard work! So the critical part of you in its constant effort to protect you may try to get you to fail because it will be easier in one sense but of course disappointing in the grand scheme of things. The key here is to remember that you are deserving and you are built to learn. Otherwise you never would have succeeded in the first place. Re-frame: The first time is the hardest. If I’ve done it once, I will be able to do it again and again …  

7. I could lose everything (large or small risks – emotional, social, financial, or physical)

Too true. But then again, many things could happen to you. You could be struck by lightning or picked at random to win a prize. The next person you meet may become your best friend or someone who is trying to take advantage of you in some way. Canada Goose Freestyle Vest Who knows? I don’t think it has to be about winning or losing, but rather a careful consideration of risk-to-reward. You take a risk every time you leave the house and sometimes by staying in it. What you really want to consider is “Do I want this and what is the smartest way to go about it?” My motto is: always follow your dreams but cover your responsibilities. Take as many calculated risks as you can but never risk more than you can afford to lose. Re-frame: I will always seek a healthy balance between risk and reward and cover my responsibilities.  

8. I don’t want to feel alone (especially if going against an influential person)

I respect your honesty. The truth is, humans are social creatures, and the decision to go off and work on things (often by yourself) is a difficult one to make. However, by taking those sometimes lonely leaps of faith you get to finally learn how to rely on the most important person in your life. Yourself! You learn that you are more resilient than you thought and that you can cope. It’s a crucial lesson that must be learnt. Nike Air Huarache Self-reliance is an extremely attractive trait. Ironically, this also tends to improve your relationships because you become more appreciative and efficient with the time you do have with others, and of course, less in need of their approval. Re-frame: I will become comfortable with my own company and make the most of my time with others. Beliefs into Targeted Stories (Mind Movies) Once you have your empowering re-frames, you can then safely work on further enhancing your self-image. As much as we enjoy language, sensory experiences are what drive us the most. Positive beliefs and language must be integrated with your imagination. This of course happens naturally, but we can amplify the process. This is where you create your mind movies and imagine your best-self performing at your peak (see Peak Performance Principle) with full experiential power. You work to see, hear, feel, smell, taste, and positively focus on being at your best across a range of different experiences. This is very much what hypnotic brain re-training is based on. You can go into your past with the lessons you now have and re-imagine and enhance a memory. You can amplify the present. However, what is often most useful is the targeting of important future events, problem solving and experiencing them as successes before they happen, thus becoming more prepared and creating a stronger and more realistic expectation of success. The goal can be as simple as going for and enjoying a walk. It can be more complex such as doing well at a job interview or being charming at a social gathering and highly complex like finishing a massive long-term career or lifestyle project. As you know by now, at times an unwanted “elephant” (thought or feeling) may pop up in your experience. Notice, accept, let go and re-focus on what you do want as often as you need to. As you continue practicing, your mind will surprise you by showing you another path beyond your previous limits. Then it simply becomes time to “act now.” Principle Summary Sensational Self Image: Construct new beliefs and emotions to strengthen identity, enhance self-esteem and build empowering belief systems. How you view and refer to yourself shapes your identity and influences all your major life decisions. You need to actively build empowering beliefs and “mind movies” of future success that reinforce your uniqueness and show how you are good enough and worthy of love. Fast-Action Techniques

1. Reflect on the three most common things you say about yourself that could be seen as negative or disempowering. Create an empowering re-frame for each and write them down. Keep the written reframes in your wallet or on your phone and read over them regularly, especially if feeling negative or disempowered.
2. Look into a mirror, breathe deeply and imagine previous experiences of love, kindness and curiosity. As you look at yourself, repeat these sentences based on the rules of empowerment out loud. “I am unique, I accept myself, I am more than any label, I am worthy of love and my life is meaningful.” Repeat daily for one week.
3. Practice creating mind movies (with amazing and empowering special effects) of yourself being at your best and problem solving important future challenges. Aim to experience success before the event occurs. As previously stated, the goal can be as simple as going for and enjoying a walk. It can be more complex such as doing well at a job interview or being charming at a social gathering and highly complex like finishing a massive long-term career or lifestyle project.

I admit to having racing thoughts. When anxiety flares, my thoughts race uncontrollably at dangerous speeds. I’m sure I’m not the only person who hates this with a passion. Thankfully, it’s possible to tame these racing thoughts. Don’t get me wrong; the brain is a wonderful thing. Without it, we wouldn’t be able to live. That doesn’t mean we always love what it does, though. (When I was little and got myself into this trouble or that, my mom would always tell me, “Tanya, I love you, but I don’t love what you did.” To me, my brain is like that. I love it, but I don’t always love what it’s up to.)
Usually the trouble that it’s up to is creating such a high volume of thoughts and anxieties that I end up losing track of them. Oh, they’re there. It’s almost as though I can feel them pushing and shoving and tumbling and bouncing off my skull. Sometimes they go so fast that I can feel the heat increase, like molecules of water bubbling and bursting as they explode into steam.
When this happens, it’s usually effective for me to grab the thoughts, one by one, as they streak by. Then, with a thought tight in my grip, I can deal with it: examine it, counter it, develop a plan to overcome whatever stress, worry, or anxiety is involved. However, this approach doesn’t work when thoughts race so rapidly that I can’t even tell what I’m thinking. I can feel them, but I can’t understand them.
These are the times when I tell my brain, “I love you, but I don’t love what you’re doing.” And then I remember that my brain and I aren’t exactly separate entities. That means that we can work together to tame the racing thoughts so I can go back to identifying and analyzing those anxious thoughts and using reason to make them shrink. For this to happen, the thoughts have to calm down.

Tips for Taming the Racing Thoughts of Anxiety

1. Be mindful of the moment. Anxiety’s racing thoughts are usually about the past and/or the future. (What if…, Why did I… I should’ve said…, etc.). When thoughts begin to race so much that they really can’t even be identified, we’ve lost sight of what’s happening in the moment. Intentionally focus on what is going on right now, what you are doing and what’s happening around you. Pay attention to it. The present moment acts like a speed bump for those racing thoughts of anxiety.
2. Enlist the help of all of your senses. It’s hard to concentrate on any one thing when anxiety has thoughts zinging.  This is where the senses come in. Rather than simply telling your brain to stop (as you probably know, this isn’t very effective), ignore your thoughts and turn instead to your senses. What do you see? Hear? Smell? Feel? Taste? Be purposeful. Look for something beautiful to study with your eyes. Fully attend to the sounds around you. Do this for all of your senses, including taste. Eat something and savor it (and use your other senses to fully experience it). Going for a sauntering walk is a great way to tune in to your senses.
3. Get your creativity on. What better way to give the racing thoughts an outlet than to go all art-ninja on them? Don’t worry about skill or results. Just do! Color, draw, paint (even better – finger paint), sculpt with clay or Play-Doh, write a poem, write a story, play an instrument if you have one, make a craft. The possibilities are numerous. The act of creating completely shifts the mind and how it’s thinking and processing. You just might find that you are calmer, more focused, and even happier after some creative time.
4. Organize or clean. When my head is chaotic, everything seems jumbled and cluttered and overwhelming.  Digging in and straightening up my external environment helps slow down my internal one.

These are but a few suggestions for taming the racing thoughts of anxiety. Believe it; you absolutely can quiet your mind and calm anxiety.

Life. NCAA Jersey Shop It’s a ride. Specifically, it’s a roller coaster, and according to Grandma in the movie Parenthood (1989), a roller coaster is wonderful. She describes, “You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. Midseason Adirondack Veste That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.” By definition, a roller coaster has ups and downs and twists and turns. To “get more out of it,” like Grandma remarked, one needs to fully surrender to the experience. Canada Goose Chateau Parka Living through the downs and through the ups, acknowledging that both exist is one of the keys to embracing life and making it a good one. Returning to Grandma’s description of life and rollercoasters, both can make us frightened and scared and sick. Simultaneously, both can make us excited and thrilled and just plain make us like them. What makes a life “good” and worth living is not the absence of the downs. It’s not a life that just goes around and around in a circle. What makes a life “good” is how one interprets it, the things on which he or she focuses. Fans of college football more than likely watched the first-ever College National Football Playoff Championship on January 12, 2015. The game was a face-off between the two college teams who earned their spot in this championship: the University of Oregon Ducks and the Ohio State Buckeyes. In the 2014-15 collegiate football championship game, the Ohio State Buckeyes beat the Oregon Ducks 42-20 to win the title. Miami Heat Before the game, many experts predicted that the Ducks would win, and almost no one expected that the Ducks would lose by so much. At the end of the game, one announcer, in reference to the Ducks’ quarterback Marcus Mariota, that year’s Heisman Trophy winner, remarked, “What a disappointing end to his [college] career.” “What a disappointing end to his career.” Really? That statement bothers me. I discussed it with my kids when we heard the announcer say that, and it came to bother them as well (or, more likely, my discussion of it grew bothersome to them!). To be sure, the players and fans of the UO Ducks were disappointed. That’s a normal reaction when a major game is lost, especially unexpectedly. We are all human, and our life experience is indeed a roller coaster. We have drops and downs and twists and turns. Games are lost. Scarpe Air Jordan Xxx Things go wrong or don’t go as planned. Obstacles appear in our paths to trip us. And we feel negative things in the drops, including disappointment. Especially in the roller coaster’s drops and downs, it is imperative to keep our perspective. Adidas Yeezy 350 Homme There’s a difference between a temporary feeling of disappointment and the more long-term attitude of a “disappointing end to a career.” The latter is a pervasive attitude that can insidiously take over one’s interpretation of life. To be disappointed in an outcome, such as the loss of an important championship game, again, is a natural feeling. This type of feeling is an isolated type of feeling. It doesn’t permeate everything one has done, is doing, and will do in the future. It’s not a catastrophe. It feels fleeting, impermanent. This game was disappointing for the Ducks, yes, but there will be other games, and not all of them will be disappointing. Many of them will be victorious and celebratory. The announcer’s remark that the game was a disappointing end to Marcus Mariota’s entire career takes on a whole new level of meaning. The implication is that Mariota’s college career is over, done, finito (it might very well be, as Mariota might enter the upcoming NFL Draft). Parajumpers Midseason Arches Veste But it is not an “end.” Nothing is over for this football player or his team. Life goes on, especially with the right outlook. Further, there’s an insinuation with the announcer’s remark that this loss, this last game, will darkly color Mariota’s full college career. One event, no matter how disappointing in the moment, does not destroy one’s past accomplishments. Mariota earned the Heisman. Jordan Hydro Retro It won’t be taken away because the Ducks lost the championship. Adidas Zx 850 Homme Ditto the myriad accomplishments, achievements, and honors Mariota earned while at the University of Oregon. The loss did not cast a pall on his life or the lives of his teammates or the university’s football program. Their past, present, and future are all “pall-less.” When we can adopt Grandma’s attitude and love that life is interesting because of all of the things it makes us feel, we are less likely to get stuck in the downs. We can feel them but know that we will make ourselves whoosh back up and twist to and fro. When faced with disappointments, we will see them for what they are, temporary emotions rather than permanent shadows cast over our entire lives. Being able to live the roller coaster is one of those things that contribute to a good life, a life worth living.

Panic attacks are nasty little–no, nasty huge–storms that can hit suddenly, and tear through the mind and body like an F5 tornado, the strongest type of this destructive storm. In describing tornadoes, Enchanted Learning says that their intensity is difficult to measure “because a tornado usually destroys local measuring equipment, and also because tornadoes only exist for a short time at random places and they are gone before meteorologists can study them.” That description sounds a bit like panic attacks, doesn’t it? Panic attacks sometimes destroy our “measuring equipment,” the tools we are trying to develop and use to predict them and stop them before they start. Additionally, panic attacks also exist for a short time (they typically peak within 10-20 minutes, but sometimes they do last longer) even though it doesn’t feel short when we’re in the throes of one. And like tornadoes, they often leave us feeling flattened and defeated. They’re also painful, physically and emotionally. My heart is trying to match the speed of light, and it’s beating so hard my chest hurts. There’s a loud crash. I jump. I need to leave I need to leave I need to leave I… “Hey dude! You here for the trivia challenge?” Bigfoot dressed in human clothes growls at me. Or maybe it’s just a a man with a shaggy beard. I try to answer whatever it is, but I can’t breathe. I cram my hands into my pockets so the waiter doesn’t see them tremble, but the tremor is so intense I bet he can see them anyway. This thought makes me feel worse, and now I’m sweating. My lungs cough in an effort to breathe better. nike free run 5.0 homme “Hey man, you okay?” I can’t answer. VCU Rams Jerseys I just nod my head as if my behavior right now is perfectly normal, then before the walls close further in on me, I turn to leave. Zapatillas TUBULAR SHADOW KNIT Unfortunately, the floor has begun to wave, buckle, and slant, and I can’t move quickly enough. I still can’t see correctly, and I stumble right into a throng of people flooding in. I hear, “Hey! Watch it!” and “Pay attention to where you’re going!” I’m trapped. My chest constricts even more, and I’m suffocating. I feel like I can’t get enough oxygen, and my lungs spasm again in a loud cough. Now that I’ve started coughing fully, I can’t stop. In a frantic attempt to get out, I push forward and burst out onto the sidewalk. I manage to cough and stumble my way over to my bike, reach into the saddlebag, and pull out one of my paper bags. My fingers aren’t working right because they feel quivery and tingly, but I’ve grown to be an expert at this and eventually shake the bag open. I raise the bag to my face and begin to breathe into it. It works, and my breathing gradually calms down. My heart slows down again, and my vision returns to normal. Brian Cunningham of My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel lives with debilitating anxiety. Black Grey Jordan Shoes He’s crippled by social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and panic attacks (but because his panic attacks, sometimes called anxiety attacks, occur in the context of other anxieties and stressors, he doesn’t have panic disorder). Because of all of this, he has developed avoidant personality disorder. If merely trying to walk into a restaurant, as he does in the above scene, gives him so much anxiety and pain, of course he tries to avoid such things. Tornadoes, the weather phenomena, develop suddenly and seemingly without warning, as do panic attacks. Kind of. It does seem as though we get blindsided by both the wind storms and the anxiety storms. Canada Goose Montebello Parka Both of these terrible storms do actually have warning signs. Parajumpers Homme Windbreaker IKE With panic attacks, before the physical symptoms even begin we have signs of an approaching storm on our radar. The signs? Our own thoughts and interpretations of our world. As Brian approaches the restaurant, called Little Bohemia, his thoughts are whirring and spinning out of control. He’s very upset with himself because he had been ordered by his boss to take a dinner break. I’m a complete and total idiot. Scarpe Air Jordan 9 I’m a clumsy moron who has to be ordered to go eat because I forgot to bring food to work. I feel like I’m seven instead of thirty-seven. What must Mrs. Clark think of me? I bet she thinks I’m less capable of taking care of myself than the kids at the school are. Oh good lord. What if she thinks I’m irresponsible in everything I do? What if she’s upset that she had to order me to go eat and that I actually listened to her and left the building when I should be working? What if she puts this in my file? What if she puts all of the supid things I do in my file and then when it’s time for my review I get fired? I can’t get fired. I like my job. What if I can’t find another one? Or what if I do find one but I have to work during the day when there are lots of other people around? I can’t do that. But I need money to live. What if I lose everything? I don’t have anywhere to go, and I don’t know what I’d do. Now my heart is pounding again. I’m dizzy. I have to get off this bike. The “what-ifs” of generalized anxiety disorder race through Brian’s brain and feed off each other, making his anxious thoughts increase in intensity until they begin to cause physical pain, just like a tornado. With his current, very anxious, mindset, his perspective on the world is altered. Rather than seeing a simple restaurant, he sees this: I’m near a joint called Little Bohemia. The place sits between a second-hand clothing shop and a tobacco bar in a four-story brick building. White Blue Jordan Shoes Elaborate batik tapestries cover both of Little Bohemia’s large windows, concealing the danger that lurks within. The mini lights strung around the tapestries warn rather than welcome; their nearly imperceptible flickering sends a code carrying a simple message: run away as fast as you can. Brian’s thoughts are so anxious, increased in intensity by his ‘what-ifs,’ that they cloud what he sees. His senses take in the same restaurant that others experience, but his interpretation of the building and the atmosphere are shaped by his thoughts. He becomes increasingly anxious until the brewing storm explodes into a full-blown panic attack. I’ve had panic attacks. KOBE 11 Looking back on them, I’ve realized that I did have warning signs before they occurred. The signs were my own thoughts, my own interpretation of what was happening, my what-ifs, and my fears of what might happen. It didn’t seem so clear at the time they were occurring, of course. Burberry Pantalon It took a great deal of self-reflection, of identifying my fears and faulty beliefs, of becoming mindful of the present rather than swirling awa
y into the past or future. Once I became cognizant of my self-talk and my specific anxieties, I was able to recognize them and confront them, countering them with thoughts and beliefs that were more realistic. In both our minds and in nature, there are storms. Fortunately, we can become aware of them, predict them with reasonable certainty (nothing is 100% certain), and take measures to minimize the storm’s impact or even get out of the path of the storm altogether. Then, our lives will be more about the calm before a storm than the storm itself.

Ah, life. So many adjectives describe it. Magnificent, stressful, wonderful, difficult, joyous, challenging, invigorating, and exhausting are but a few words that apply to the four-letter-word “life” (and there are, indeed, some four-letter-words that can also describe it). Note that among the words just listed, “easy” is not present. In the words of the great philosopher/writer Voltaire, “Life is a shipwreck…” That it is. Alabama Crimson Tide As human beings, we must struggle against many obstacles and challenges. Nike Air Max 90 Homme From the moment of our first interaction with siblings or our first play date with friends, we have to discover and rediscover and re-rediscover how to work with others to keep our sailboats afloat. We have to protect what is ours yet share what is ours. We have to adjust our behavior according to social norms yet be true to ourselves. We have to figure out how to navigate relationships that involve power disparity. We have to defend ourselves yet avoid being aggressive. In Losing Elizabeth, high school junior Elizabeth Carter becomes trapped in a toxic relationship and struggles to define herself and find her place in her world. We all sail often-choppy waters to find our own special place in the world. We have to learn how to sail on a sea that isn’t always smooth, that is frequently wavy and swirling. My daughter, a senior in high school, has been applying for colleges. Due to an error on the part of her high school registrar’s office, she experienced a delay in one of her applications. I’m so grateful that this happened! She had thought that the process would be smooth sailing. Bambini Nike Kd 7 With this error, she learned that life’s waters aren’t always calm. She learned how to adjust her sails, to use her oars, her tools at her disposal, and keep her ship not only upright but sailing steadily on its course. We face loss, we face accidents, and we face illness both physical and mental. Just over ten years ago, I was in a car accident in which I sustained a traumatic brain injury. It was in the aftermath of that that I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder and two anxiety disorders. I have two friends that live with the pain of fibromyalgia. In the novel Leave of Absence, Oliver Graham has PTSD and major depression in the aftermath of the traumatic loss of his wife and son. parajumpers soldes Penelope Baker is wrestling with schizophrenia and the impact it’s had on her life. In My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel, Brian Cunningham attempts to sail his stormy sea of social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder. For all humans, whether fictional characters or people in the real-world, squalls can hit at any time in any place. So Voltaire was correct in describing life as a shipwreck. Happily, though, he had more to say. Nike SB Blazer His full statement was this: “Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” I love this. It contains multiple wisdoms. Sure, life can be challenging and stressful. But we have lifeboats! If one ship begins to sink, hop onto a lifeboat. TENNIS CLASSIC ULTRA FLYKNIT They exist. What supports do we have in our lives? What inner strengths do we possess to keep us sailing? In what new directions can we sail the lifeboat? All oceans have stormy spots, but no ocean is ever stormy in its entirety, and the stormy spots are temporary. Storms blow over. So hop in the lifeboat and know you can survive. nike free run 2.0 homme And another wisdom? Sing! Sure, you might want to scream in fear or frustration or cry out in despair or pain. Go ahead. It’s a logical reaction to life’s storms. nike air max thea bianco donna But our vocal chords can do many things, including sing. Sing in the lifeboat. Sing in the storm (you know the song — Singing in the Rain). Sing when the storm clears. Find beauty around you and celebrate it. Find good things to do despite the storm, and do them. Singing clears the lungs, the heart, and the mind. It reminds us that the storm doesn’t have to drown us.

On more occasions than I can possibly count, I’ve had conversations with people who are very concerned about someone in their life. Air Jordan 6 For Kids Be it a partner, a child, a neighbor, or a friend, we as humans care about those close to us. When we care about someone, we experience the gamut of human emotions when that someone is struggling. When that struggle is related to mental health and mental illness it’s normal for frustrations to reach an all-time high. Tennessee Volunteers Jerseys One of the things about difficulties like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, oppositional defiant disorder, attachment disorders, and the myriad of other mental illnesses is that these things affect the brain. Nike Archive 83.M They impact how people think, how people perceive the world, and how people feel and act based on those thoughts and perceptions. Additionally, mental illness impacts communication. Air Jordan 2012 Shoes A cruel trick of all mental illnesses and developmental disorders of childhood is that they muddle things up in the brain just enough that thoughts are distorted and it’s often difficult to express wants, needs, feelings, and desires. (An important note: This has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence! Mental illness impacts certain types of processing in the brain and affects neurotransmitters and neural pathways, but these are independent of intellectual functioning.) This is one of the sources of agony and frustration for people living with mental illness or developmental disorders as well as those who care for them. A solution? Seek to understand. Canada Goose Parka Learn to listen in new ways. In the novel Leave of Absence , Oliver Graham has experienced a severe trauma and loss. He can’t cope, and he has almost completely shut down. After a suicide attempt, he was taken to a behavioral health hospital by a police officer and a social worker named Lilly. During the admittance process, he was unable to respond to anyone. When he couldn’t even provide his name, the intake counselor grew frustrated: “Oliver, this process doesn’t have to be difficult. Russell Wilson I just need your basic background information.” Lilly interjected. “I don’t think he’s trying to be difficult. I work at a homeless shelter clled SafeSpace. He arrived there about two months ago. He’s extremely quiet and keeps to himself. New Balance Femme I’ve never seen him talk to anyone, actually. He’s withdrawn, not oppositional.” Both the intake counselor and Lilly were listening to Oliver. Houston Cougars Jerseys Air Foamposite One The intake counselor was listening to Oliver’s words, or, rather, the lack of them. canada goose kensington parka He heard that Oliver wouldn’t answer, and he was irritated because all he needed was basic information. This intake counselor was listening with only his ears. Lilly, on the other hand, listened with her ears, yes. She heard Oliver’s silence. She also listened with her eyes. Under Armour Curry 3.0 She observed Oliver’s posture, which was drooped and defeated rather than tense and rigid. PJS Veste De Printemps Femme She “listened” to his actions, which were lethargic and calm rather than agitated and angry. Seton Hall Pirates While the intake counselor listened to the lack of words, Lilly listened to Oliver’s whole being. canada goose trillium parka Because of that, she understood him. She understood that he wasn’t being difficult on purpose. She empathized with him and the fact that he wasn’t capable of participating in life. And, because she understood, she was able to think of a solution to the problem that satisfied everyone. Asics Gel Lyte 3 Femme Grise Listening differently like Lilly did is vital to communicate that love and empathy that are present, no matter the age of the person or the difficulties he/she is experiencing. In My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel, seven-year-old Abigail Harris was never able to form a loving attachment to anyone. Living in various foster homes from the age of two, she has now come to live with an aunt and uncle she has never known. Asics Gel Kinsei 6 Homme She’s in a new city, with unknown people, in a strange new school. She’s never learned to trust, she’s never had a chance to receive or give love. She’s overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to express in words what she’s feeling. To make her various needs known, Abigail has a lot of tantrums. The caring adults in her life listen to her yells and her screams. Canada Goose Femme It’s hard for them to hear beyond that, for they’re used to listening with their ears to words. Fortunately for Abigail, she accidentally discovers the school custodian, Brain Cunningham. Living with debilitating anxiety himself, he knows how difficult it is sometimes to communicate calmly and logically in words. Atlanta Hawks He listens to Abigail with his ears, and he hears not opposition but fear in her tantrums. He listens to her with his eyes, too, and sees nonverbal signs that she wan
ts to connect but is scared and just doesn’t know how. Because of the way he listens, he alone is able to get through to her. Listening is one of the most important of all human activities. It’s what leads to understanding, empathy, bonding, and love. No matter how well-meaning we are, communication and connection break down when we only listen with our ears. Many times, the best listening comes from our eyes. Baylor Bears From there, it goes to the hearts of all.

When I worked as a teacher and then a teacher/counselor in different high schools, I was shocked to discover that a significant number of students, both female and male, were trapped in unhealthy relationships that ranged from toxic to downright abusive. Canada Goose Pour Homme Out of care and concern for these adolescents grew Losing Elizabeth. Nike SB Paul Rodriguez 9 I wanted to reach teens, starting in middle school but older adolescents as well, through a simple story, stripped of extraneous detail that could detract from the message. Asics Gel Lyte 3 Femme Noir I sought to write a tale of fiction that would entertain rather than preach and one that could reach younger adolescents before they begin to date as well as older ones who themselves might be trapped in a controlling relationship. The result was Losing Elizabeth. UNLV Rebels

In Losing Elizabeth, high school junior Elizabeth Carter is outgoing and confident. GS Air Jordan 4 When she becomes entwined in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship with Brad Evans, she begins to lose herself as he takes over her life. Readers travel with Elizabeth on a road filled with both joy and pain that ultimately is a search for love, friendship, and identity.

The book and its theme gained the attention of Storytellers Campfire, an active literary and art group. New Balance 530 homme They invited me onto their radio show in 2012 to discuss unhealthy, abusive relationships and Losing Elizabeth (and again in 2014 to discuss anxiety and My Life in a Nutshell: a Novel), and the show about adolescent relationships was one of their top five most-listened to shows in 2012. Indiana Pacers Storytellers Campfire further honored Losing Elizabeth when they awarded it the 2015 Marble Book Award, their most prestigious Marble Award. Adidas Yeezy 350 Noir The award is bestowed upon the author of a “book which has made a significant difference in the world.” Storytellers Campfire has this to say about Losing Elizabeth: “The staff at Storytellers Campfire highly recommends this book for parents and young teens and young adults. This is a strong story and a necessary one.” —Storytellers Campfire, “Where Literary Art Comes To Life” Reader Grady Harp with Literary Aficionado states, “Yes, the story is solid and well told, with all the subtleties of teenage attraction and naivete as they approach their first relationship with the opposite sex. Arizona State Sun Devils Jerseys [B]ut the important aspect of this novel is in its providing a story to which young adults can relate that warns about abusive relationships….And for that reason, Tanya J. Maillot NBA Peterson has performed a social duty in addition to writing a fine little book.” —Grady Harp, amazon.com I couldn’t be more pleased with the honor I received in the Marble Award awarded by Storytellers Campfire and with the inspiring reviews from readers. It is my great hope that this story reach as many adolescents as possible as they embark on their journey into the world of relationships.

As a writer, mental health professional, and person who loves to read, I love to discover great books, fiction and non-fiction, about mental health and well-being. Recently, I fell in love with a fantastic self-help book entitled Maximum Mental Health. I’ve also met its author, Aleks Srbinoski. I’m thrilled to present my review and take on this book (I think sharing great books is a great way to connect people with pleasurable resources, so I occasionally provide book reviews here.)

“Is it easier to feel calmer in a quiet temple or on a busy highway? You might say, ‘Well, yeah, the temple, but the problem is I seem to live on a busy highway.”

Then the question becomes: ‘How do you make your highway more temple like?’”

Aleks Srbinoski in Maximum Mental Health, p. Parajumpers Vestes 17

What a concept. At its essence, it’s about our maximum mental health. We live on a metaphorical highway, a highway that is busy and loud and chaotic and often out of our realm of control. It can be stress-inducing, and it can weigh us down physically, emotionally, and behaviorally (what we do and do not do). As much as we’d sometimes prefer to live calmly in a quiet temple, we’re on the highway. While we can’t change that completely, we can take charge of the highway that is our life. canada goose jeunesse expedition parka We can indeed make our highway temple-like and achieve maximum mental health. Making our loud, busy, chaotic highway into a place that’s calm, serene, peaceful and temple-like seems daunting and difficult. Enter Aleks George Srbinoski. Srbinoski is a psychologist and an expert in success, happiness, and mental health and well-being. Ole Miss Rebels He has authored numerous books on these topics and has just released his most recent self-help book: Maximum Mental Health: Overcome Depression, Anxiety, and other Mental Illnesses with 20 Principles for Happier and Healthy Living. Canada Goose Gilet Femme Maximum Mental Health is designed to help people find true happiness, enjoyment, and life-satisfaction. In his well-written and very readable book, Srbinoski presents concepts and information in a way that helps readers enhance their well-being and life satisfaction rather than simply managing struggles and challenges. adidas gazelle homme bleu This book is informative and allows the reader to fully understand mental health concepts. The author is a psychologist and thus has a wealth of professional information, and he shares his information with us in a conversational, user-friendly manner. He succeeds in leaving out technical jargon while remaining respectful of the reader (he neither talks down nor attempts to “dumb down” the content). Maximum Mental Health contains excellent examples and metaphors, such at the temple-and-highway question above, to make the information very real. The book is vivid, creative, and logical. ADIDAS Crazylight Boost 2016 Low Just the act of reading it brings joy and happiness! This powerful self-help book offers simple and easy yet meaningful and effective exercises for applying the information. Timberland Chukka Bottes Each section contains exercises that can be done both immediately and in the long-term to allow people to apply practical techniques to increase their happiness and achieve lasting mental health. canada goose gloves What I find effective and refreshing is that the exercises, suggestions, and tips are positive. NIKE AIR ZOOM PEGASUS 33 Rather than “don’t do this” concepts are presented as “discover and do these positive things.” (Such as taking your highway and making it more temple-like) Aleks Srbinoski’s Maximum Mental Health helps people take charge of their own lives. It helps people achieve mental health, well-being, and happiness and to live life with intention. Zapatillas TANJUN As a nationally certified counselor (US), HealthyPlace Anxiety-Schmanxiety columnist, mental health speaker, person living on both sides of the proverbial couch, student and practitioner of positive psychology, and author of award-winning mental-illness/mental-health-themed novels, I highly recommend Maximum Mental Health. This is a user-friendly book that is relevant, valid, and helpful in enhancing mental health and well-being.

“How did Tanya J. Peterson know what is going on inside my head?  Can she read my thoughts? My Life in a Nutshell hit very close to home for me.” —Teressa M. with Window on the World

To receive such a comment is one of the most meaningful, and the most exciting, compliments I could possibly receive as a novelist. My characters face mental health challenges and live with mental illness, and it’s my hope that readers bond deeply with my characters and maybe even love them. Why? It will lead to increased understanding and empathy in the real world.
I write novels about mental illness and mental health challenges. My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel tells Brian Cunningham’s story. Brian lives with debilitating anxiety disorders, and he lives a severely limited life. He’s lonely, but he feels powerless to do a thing about it. A seven-year-old child named Abigail wriggles her way into Brian’s closed-off world, resulting in increased pain yet increased potential for life.
Oliver Graham and Penelope Baker (and her fiancé William) are the focus of Leave of Absence. Oliver, crippled by post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression after the traumatic loss of his family, is hospitalized against his will. Penelope, wrestling with schizophrenia and the harm it has done to her life, wants to set her fiancée free. Will friendship and connection help them?
I do indeed hope that readers fall in love with Brain and Abigail, Oliver, Penelope, and William. To love them is to connect with them. Human connection is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. Connection to characters leads to increased connection, empathy, and understanding of people in the real world outside the pages of a novel.
I’m a nationally certified counselor. I also have personal experience with mental illness. I’ve lived with anxiety disorders (generalized and social), biopolar 1 disorder, and the effects of brain injury. In my life experience, I’ve learned that mental illness is misunderstood.
The illnesses, be they depression, anxiety, PTSD, depression, or a whole host of others, are misunderstood, which means that people who live with them are misunderstood. Misunderstanding can lead to fear and prejudice, which makes those living with mental health challenges feel isolated, alone, and hopeless.
I write novels—Leave of Absence, My Life in a Nutshell, and Twenty-four Shadows (coming in spring, 2016) to deepen empathy and compassion, to humanize mental illness. When people love the characters in a novel, they empathize with them. That empathy is often transferred to real-life human beings. Additionally, and icing on the cake, people can be entertained in the process as they enjoy connecting and loving characters.

“Here’s the thing about Peterson’s work: her characters are key. Peterson isn’t afraid to show the true side of human nature, to open doors that society has slammed closed, and examine what truly makes us tick. I fell in love with her two main characters in My Life in a Nutshell.” — Ellen M. with The Canon

The term mental health has become quite a buzz word (and well it should), but as a concept, it is very broad. What does mental health really mean? At its core, it means not merely the absence of illness; mental health means thriving and enjoying a life worth living.

Mental Health Awareness Month is in full swing, and how wonderful it is.  To have an entire month dedicated to increasing awareness about mental health and wellbeing is in itself something to celebrate. It means that we as humans want to be well, to not only exist but to live and to thrive, and we want to raise awareness so that this wellness can be achieved by all.

Let’s face it. Being human is often no easy task. Myriad challenges can greet us on a daily, even an hourly, basis. We face struggles both intrapersonal and interpersonal. There are work difficulties and home difficulties. Illnesses physical and mental rise up to block us in our quest for a life worth living. All of this is enough to make anyone want to hole up in a dark, quiet room and rarely leave.
To be sure, the challenges of life can be daunting. They can seem so all-encompassing that it feels as though the challenges are what our lives are all about. Happily, this is not at all the case.  When you think about it, any challenge, no matter the size and scope, is external to us, not at all who we are as human beings.
I’ll be the first to admit that the idea that challenges are external to us can be a bit hard to buy into. Certainly, when we’re struggling, it really does feel that the struggle is part of us, that it’s taken root deep inside of us and is growing, snaking around our core being and reaching out into our lives. Or perhaps a struggle feels the opposite, that it has taken root in our very lives, in the people and circumstances around us and then has invaded our inner being. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter what the root of the challenge is. It doesn’t matter because it is separate from us.
I’ve lived through challenges and struggles. I’ve had relationship/marital challenges, physical challenges in the form of a traumatic brain injury and its consequences, and I live with bipolar 1 disorder and anxiety issues, both significant mental health challenges. And of course there are the little irritations of daily experiences that drift in and out of my life.
Sailing through life without hitting choppy water is pretty much impossible. Part of the human experience involves storms, roiling waves, and seasickness. That’s a given. What is not a given is our reaction to it.
A wonderful thing about being human is that we always have choices. Further, we can empower ourselves to make those choices. We can choose our actions (do we decide to stay in bed, or do we decide to get up and do something, even if it’s small at first?) and our reactions (do we allow someone else to have the power to make us react negatively to him/her and then to dwell on a problem for a long time?) We can decide where to place our focus (do we think a lot about what is wrong and what we don’t want, or do we think more about what is right and about what we do want?).  What we focus on, what we think about, becomes our reality.
Another wonderful thing about being human is that we have the power of imagination. What we can imagine, we can create. A very effective first step in creating your life worth living is to clearly visualize what that life is to you. What fulfills you? What brings you joy? Where do you get a sense of meaning and purpose? Think hard about the who, what, where, and when of your ideal life. As you do this, remain focused on the positive. When we think of terms of “I don’t want x,” we are focusing our attention on that “x.” Therefore, that’s what materializes.
Define and embrace what you do want your life to be like. When that happens, you can begin to take steps, both little and big, to create your life. You’ll still be in stormy seas here and there, and you’ll have challenges, but theses won’t engulf and drown you because you’ll remain focused on your life vision.
In Leave of Absence, characters Oliver and Penelope are in a behavioral health hospital facing seemingly insurmountable difficulties. Penelope is wrestling with schizophrenia and the impact it’s had on her life, and Oliver is dealing with (or, more accurately, not dealing with) the traumatic loss of his wife and son. In this particular scene, they’re in a counseling group, a music group. The leader, before playing Natasha Beddingfield’s Unwritten, instructs,
“As you listen, I would ask you to reflect on what will happen when, like it says in the song, you open your window even just a small crack. What will be different?”
And as you create your life worth living, that’s a great question to ask: When I have my ideal life, what will be different? As you answer that question and keep it in your mind to help it take shape, you will be taking charge of your life.

 

Hello and good day to you, my fellow human beings – all seven-plus billion of you! Incredible, isn’t it? There are seven billion people on our planet, all unique individuals. Even more incredible is that the seven-plus billion of us have a great many things in common. One such commonality is, unfortunately, stress.
Stress comes in many different forms and from a multitude of sources. It also has many rather nasty symptoms. In general, people often find themselves busy, rushed, facing looming deadlines, dealing with conflict, addressing seemingly insurmountable problems and challenges, illnesses both mental and physical. We hurt, we ache, heads pound, stomachs protest, and in general we feel that we’ll explode, and if we don’t explode we’ll certainly implode.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? There are many reasons, of course. One predominant reason is that we need to make a living. That looks different for the seven-billion of us, and it may or may not involve economics. Regardless of how we’re doing it, we need to make a living.  When we get so wrapped up in it that we are stressed and feeling toxic, it’s time to step back. Happily, it’s possible to shift from focusing on making a living to focus on making a life worth living.
The field of positive psychology is dedicated to helping people do exactly this. They are researching and coming to understand what that means and how to achieve it, and they willingly share tools to help all seven-plus billion of us overcome adversity and create our own life worth living.
In their research, positive psychologists have discovered something called flow. Flow. It sounds peaceful, doesn’t it? It evokes a river, ever bubbling and flowing, paying no attention to obstacles in its way but instead fully present in what it’s doing. Okay, so people aren’t rivers. But we can experience flow nonetheless.
Flow is a state of being. Humans enter flow when we engage in something that captivates us so much that we focus completely on what we’re doing. All other thoughts and worries drift away, the racing thoughts become still, and the experience is one of pure enjoyment.
Where can we find this flow?! The answer is quite personal. Search your heart. What brings you joy? Perhaps cooking or baking, sewing or making crafts. Maybe hiking or biking or boating. Getting lost in a good book. Exercising or playing a favorite sport. The list is endless, and as long it’s not harmful, there’s no such thing as a wrong activity.
Experiencing flow can reduce stress and anxiety, improve overall well-being, and increase happiness and life satisfaction. Experiencing flow happens when we do anything that makes us passionate enough to get into and still enough to be fully immersed. When this happens, we begin to transcend merely making a living and begin to make a life worth living.

When a year draws to a close, people tend to wax nostalgic. UGG Classic Tall Air Max 2014
It’s one of the great human traits: the ability to reflect and embrace what has been good. NIKE AIR JORDAN 11 Under Armour Rocket We see it everywhere: best news stories, best books, best this and that. Air Jordan Retro 3 AIR ZOOM VOMERO 12 Even best word. Asics Gel Lyte 3 Homme adidas superstar 2 homme Well, it’s dubbed “word of the year,” but the concept is the same: a word that best embodies the spirit of an entire year, in this case 2014. Canada Goose Heli-Arctic Parka Adidas Superstar Homme The cool thing about a word of the year is that it’s entirely subjective. canada goose trillium parka Groups of people select their own word, something that to them stands for what has been important during the year. For Merriam-Webster this year, the word is “culture.” Oxford’s word of choice is “vape.” Dictionary.com finds “exposure” to be representative of 2014. If giant entities that organize vocabulary can choose their own combinations of letters that arrange themselves to be synonyms of “2014,” so, too, can we individuals. New Balance Chaussures This process involves looking back and turning inward. Air Jordan 7 (VII) It means searching for the best of your year, of who you were throughout 2014. Nike Air Jordan 13 Womens To be sure, life is replete with ups and downs, highs and lows, triumphs and struggle. Life is a rollercoaster; it’s not a monorail. Canada Goose Homme Pas Cher Rutgers Scarlet Knights Jerseys In doing this exercise, this search for your own word of the year, the goal isn’t to pretend the drops didn’t happen but rather to focus on the upswings. But that’s just the start of your selection process. Houston Rockets Now that you’re in the proper mindset, take your reflection deeper. Air Force Falcons Jerseys What word, what singular concept, stands for you? Again, we all have good moods and bad moods and times when we laugh and times when we cry, times when we whisper and times when we yell . Those are all fleeting emotions and behaviors. Those aside, in this year that was 2014, who were you at your very essence? What were your strengths? What was important to you? The possibilities are almost endless. A few concepts that represent the goodness that exists in all of us:

• Compassion
• Empathy
• Gratitude
• Motivation/drive
• Perseverance
• Integrity
• Zest
• Forgiveness
• Hope
• Humor
• And more!

Those negative moments, those less-than-stellar things we do and say? Those don’t define us.

  The novel Leave of Absence is set largely in a behavioral health center/hospital, a fictionalized version of one I stayed in. TEAM COURT One day, Penelope (struggling with schizophrenia) and Oliver (struggling with major depression and PTSD) were attending a group session. As part of an activity, Oliver was asked, “If you could invent one thing that could make the world a better place, what would it be?”

SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND

It’s an important question. So much so that Google once held a contest challenging the world to invent something that, in their minds, would make the world a better place. My own (unsubmitted) response to Google’s call was this: To make the world a better place, I’d create an in-someone’s-shoes machine. Here’s how it would work: in any interaction with another human being, especially, but not necessarily, one of conflict, each person would step into the machine. Maybe it would look like a giant shoe. Bo Jackson Maybe it would just be a box. But either way, the people would step inside and be given a perspective of the conflict from the other person’s point of view. Navy Midshipmen Jerseys They’d learn from an empathic perspective why the issue is important for each other. There could even be a larger machine for group conflicts. When we seek first to understand rather than to convince, argue, or judge, something wonderful happens. Air Jordan 11 Retro We begin to see the humanity in each other, and we begin to treat each other better.

MISUNDERSTANDING MENTAL ILLNESS

Sometimes, when someone lives with mental illness, he or she is treated as someone “off,” someone who is defective. I myself have experienced this. Upon learning that I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had spent time in a behavioral health hospital, I had friends turn away, an employer change his mind about my ability to work for him. Daniel Fells I’ve heard similar stories from countless people. It’s tragic, but in most cases, I don’t think it comes from anybody trying to be “bad.” Rather, it comes from a lack of understanding. I’m certainly not excusing those people who shunned me during my times in and out of the hospital and after they learned about my diagnosis. I think, though, that they were reacting to misinformation and preconceived notions about psychiatric care, mental illness, and traumatic brain injury. Xavier Musketeers

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL ILLNESS

Hence, my in-someone’s-shoes machine. What does it feel like to be another person? I don’t have the technical know-how to actually invent such a machine. Air Jordan 4 Cement Yeah, like I could even do anything other than grab a shoebox and exclaim, hey, it’s a box and it held shoes! However, I am doing everything that is actually in my power to understand and to encourage understanding and empathy. Parajumpers Femme New Arches I live the principle in my own life, and I try to show what it’s like to live with various mental illnesses. I do this by writing novels whose characters live with mental illness or have someone in their lives with mental illness. Leave of Absence is a story of two people attempting to survive mental illness and life in a behavioral health hospital. My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel is the story of a man struggling with debilitating anxiety disorders, and Twenty-Four Shadows tells the tale of a man named Isaac, his alters, his wife and son, and his best friend as the all respond to Isaac’s new diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder. Losing Elizabeth, a middle grade book, shows adolescents, parents, and teachers the negative effects of toxic, emotionally abusive relationships. UGG Classic Short In a way, these novels are in-someone’s-shoes-machines.

Novels can be powerful glimpses into the human experience. canada goose jeunesse chilliwack bomber They can help us understand what we previously didn’t, to empathize with those with whom we previously couldn’t. They can be powerful vehicles for discussion and for increased human connection. West Virginia Mountaineers As such, I’m posting every now and then about novels that, in an outstanding (in my opinion) way, depict mental illness and the people affected by it. One such work is Juliann Garey’s Too Bright to Hear Too Loud to See. It’s the story of a man named Greyson Todd and his struggle (for Todd, there is no other word) with extreme Bipolar I disorder. As I do with any novel that tackles mental illness, I wondered about the degree of accuracy of what I was about to read. This one had personal significance for me, as, like Greyson Todd, I live with Bipolar I disorder. In her novel, would Garey get it right? Or would she villainize Todd? Would she portray him as subhuman? From the very title, my concerns faded away. Julio Jones Jersey Todd wasn’t portrayed as subhuman. Bo Jackson He was portrayed as human. Garey clearly understands what some writers and filmmakers do not: people living with mental illness are human. Bipolar disorder is difficult to depict. Like any mental illness, it is very individualized. Yes, there are defining symptoms and criteria, but what those look like and how they are experienced differs from individual to individual. Joey Bosa Todd’s manifestation of the illness is vastly different from mine; however, in his story I saw my own. The title is what pulled me in. Honestly, when I ran across an image of the book, I had no idea what it was about. But “too bright to hear too loud to see” resonated with me, and I investigated. I love this. Oregon Ducks Jerseys With bipolar disorder, especially the manic phases, everything can be overwhelming and over-stimulating and so bright and so loud that it’s hard to think and hard to be and the senses and the brain are overloaded to such a degree that they are mixed up and too bright to hear and too loud to see makes perfect sense. Readers see this vividly in Greyson Todd. TEAM COURT Todd’s story is told in segmented, choppy bits that mimic how bipolar disorder can feel. With bipolar disorder, life sometimes feels as though it’s a bunch of piecemeal episodes rather than a smooth string of events. Todd’s episodes are very different from mine; what he does when he’s manic or depressed is different from what I do, but the nature of it is the same. That’s what makes this story brilliant. Readers can glimpse what this disorder feels like without forming a stereotyped and incorrect judgment of people living with it. Too Bright to Hear Too Loud to See is a story that accurately portrays the inner life of a human being living with bipolar 1 disorder. We empathize with this person who is Greyson Todd. ADIDAS 350 BOOST We feel the conflict and painful confusion between internal and external realty, the maddening over-stimulation, the frightening and dizzying swings between too high and too low. Adidas Superstar Homme And therein lies the great value of this novel. Scott Chandler In response to someone who has reached out to him and shown compassion, Todd reflects, “But the gesture is everything. It is empathy. Exactly what I want and precisely what I do not deserve.” Such a common and tragic sentiment Todd expresses here. Greyson Todd and all of the real people who live with mental illness do indeed want and deserve empathy.

Isn’t it wonderful that one of the things that makes us all human is our species’ ability to celebrate? We search for meaning, we continually discover and re-discover meaning throughout our lives, and we celebrate that which we find meaningful. Celebrating the things in our lives, big and small, is one of the things that enhances well-being. Celebration typically means stepping out of ordinary routine, even if for just a short while. NIKE LUNARGLIDE 8 We celebrate achievements and birthdays and holidays both religious and secular. Wonderfully healthy! Celebration re-energizes us. Parajumpers Long Bear It renews our enthusiasm. It strengths the connections we have with each other. It injects some fun and/or relaxation into us. And, as emotionally healthy as they can be, celebrations can overwhelm and overstimulate us. It’s great to step away from routine; however, sticking to routines is also important for well-being, and diverting from said routines can be exhausting. Further, celebrations often come with noise, brighter lights, more people and thus more (and louder) conversations, hard-to-resist unhealthy foods, and a sense of always being “on.” Ironically, celebrations that are meant to simultaneously energize and relax often end up draining and wiring at the same time. Air Jordan 7 Two conflicting psychological and physical reactions that themselves tend to be overwhelming. It would be a shame to avoid celebrations, for they really are good for us in many ways. It’s not good to feel overstimulated in the wake of them. Feeling overstimulated and overwhelmed can lead to increased anxiety, irritability, exhaustion, and exaggerated emotional lows and highs. Moncler Manteaux Thankfully, you can have your celebratory cake and stay well, too. There are ways to manage that overwhelmed, overstimulated feeling right in the midst of a celebration or afterward:

• Know yourself. What bothers you the most – Noise? Crowds? Smells? Sugar? A specific person? Different things bother different people. Aaron Rodgers When you can identify what is the most irksome for you, you can be on alert for when you are starting to feel the effects.

• Be in tuned to yourself. Can you feel a headache coming on? Are you beginning to feel anxious and jittery? Becoming impatient? To thine own self be true. When you notice your sense of well-being start to decrease, pick up the signals your body is sending and act on them.

• Do what makes you feel better. Doudoune Parajumpers Harraseeket If things are getting too intense, step away. Step out for fresh air, slip into a quiet room, or otherwise put some space between yourself and your surroundings.

• Carry an mP3 player with earbuds. When you step out for a break, you can play some relaxing sounds or music that makes you feel good. That is often enough to reset so you can enjoy yourself again.
• Breathe. You don’t even have to go anywhere for this one. Wherever you are, and often, take a series of slow, deep breaths. NIKE AIR MAX LD-ZERO This is soothing to mind and body.
• Drink water. Our bodies crave water. Sodas and other beverages don’t fully hydrate, so they leave us feeling sluggish. Drinking water helps us stay physically and emotionally well.
• Eat well. Many of us associate celebrating with junk food. (Well, I do, anyway.) An afternoon, an evening, an entire day of grazing on sweets, chips, etc. takes its toll. Sure, indulge in some things, and enjoy them. But also include the healthier offerings that are likely available. Your taste buds might be disappointed, but they’ll get over it. And while they’re getting over it, you’ll feel better.

• Focus on the positive. Even during fun gatherings, irritating things, people, discussions, whatever crop up. Also, you yourself might make a blunder and say or do the wrong thing. ADIDAS TEAM COURT Rather than letting the very human irritations ruin your day, focus on all that is going right, all that you are doing well, rather than what isn’t so perfect. A focus on the positive makes the not-so-positive much smaller.

  Taking little measures to maintain well-being during those fun but hectic, out-of-routine celebrations goes a long way to keep us feeling well. When we stay physically and psychologically healthy, we can enjoy ourselves more and better embrace our lives in any moment.

Mental illness changes lives. Masterpiece Kodiak Doudoune It does not, however, change our humanity. Penelope Baker is one of the main characters in the novel Leave of Absence. She lives with schizophrenia, and she is filled with shame and self-loathing. In this scene, she is lamenting one of the ways it has impacted her life: “I used to be proud of myself. Nike Air Huarache Femme I graduated from the University of Chicago and worked as an advertising executive at Anderson Fletcher.” She paused and hugged the beach ball against her chest. When she resumed, she spoke quietly. “But then I changed, and I’m not the same anymore. I had to take quit the job I loved. canada goose snow mantra At first, I thought I could take a leave of absence, just a little break to get well and then go back. Doudoune Parajumpers Homme But I never got better enough to go back. I had to quit completely, and now I’m just a loser.” Tears rolled down her cheeks and splashed onto the ball. I wrote Leave of Absence because no one experiencing mental illness should ever have to feel like a loser. I possess a unique combination of experiences that I carry with me into my writing—my novel writing, my Anxiety-Schmanxiety column on HealthyPlace.com, my newsletter writing for my local NAMI chapter, and my blog writing. That I write about mental health is no coincidence, for I have experienced mental health and mental illness from both sides of the proverbial couch. Air Jordan 13 For Kids Having been both a counselor and a patient, I have a deep understanding of how people can suffer emotionally in so many ways, how people can triumph emotionally in so many ways, and of how every human being deserves empathy and understanding. Joe Montana Notre Dame Jersey I use my many experiences to create stories that, while themselves fictional, are a very real manifestation of mental health and mental illness. It is my hope that Leave of Absence, My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel, and all my writing will help people understand each other more deeply. I have a rather intimate relationship with mental illness. I understand it intellectually thanks to an intense graduate program, and that lends a solid factual background to my stories. I understand it professionally thanks to all the people I have worked with in various capacities; in working with people, I have developed a real-world understanding of what people need in order for them to help them help themselves heal, and I weave this into my stories. LUNARGLIDE 8 And I understand mental illness personally thanks to my own experiences with it. Parajumpers Homme Big Bend I try to draw on all of these aspects to infuse my character-driven novels with not only facts but feeling. My own roller coaster ride with mental illness officially began in 2004 when I sustained a traumatic brain injury in a car accident. Because I could walk, talk, and physically care for myself, I didn’t qualify for brain injury rehabilitation programs. That didn’t mean that I was functioning well in other areas of my life, though. I saw a psychologist for counseling, and when that wasn’t enough, I was admitted into a behavioral health hospital. The Airhaven Behavioral Health Center that is the setting for much of Leave of Absence is actually based on the hospital in which I stayed. The characters are completely fabricated, of course, but the physical description and other little details (such as Oliver’s hatred of the ticking clock in his room) are based on my own personal experience in the hospital. Parajumpers Denali I was in and out of that hospital five times over the course of a few years, and it was there that I was officially diagnosed with bipolar I disorder and anxiety disorders. So it’s on multiple levels that I understand what it means to suffer mentally and emotionally, how mental illness impacts every single facet of one’s life, what it’s like to live with the stigma and have people shun you both personally and professionally. Andre Tippett I believe passionately in the importance of bringing these issues it to light. When we learn about each other as human beings, when we take time to really listen and look, we begin to understand.

A man named Oliver Graham struggles with PTSD and major depression. He has no one to whom he can turn. A woman named Penelope Baker lives with schizophrenia and thinks she is worthless. Her fiancée William Vaile wants to marry her and face the challenges together, if only she will allow it. Asics Homme A different man, Brian Cunningham, lives a severely restricted life due to anxiety, panic, and avoidant personality disorder. A little girl named Abigail Harris needs Brian’s help if he can give it to her. These individuals happen to be characters in the novels Leave of Absence and My Life in a Nutshell. However, they are representative of real-life human beings, people who live with mental illness and those who are connected to them through love or friendship. In writing the stories I do, I hope to strip stereotypes and increase understanding of what mental illnesses really are like. Masterpiece Parajumpers Denali Veste By extension, I seek to increase compassion. To write the novels I do, I draw on my background, my life experience, and my love of writing, and I roll them all together to make the stories and the people in them realistic. I’ve experienced mental illness from the perspective of a counselor and the perspective of a patient. AIR PRESTO Flyknit Ultra I have a degree in counseling and am credentialed as a Nationally Certified Counselor in the US, and I’ve worked with people to help them help themselves. Nike Air Jordan 3
This perspective helps me craft therapy scenes that pop up in my stories. Air Jordan Retro 9 I’m also a patient—I have bipolar I disorder and anxiety, and I’ve experienced a traumatic brain injury plus two “extra” concussions. I’ve even been in a behavioral health hospital on several occasions in the past. That was extremely helpful in depicting Airhaven, the behavioral health center that is the setting for much of Leave of Absence. Airhaven and the characters there are definitely fictitious, but I drew on the reality of my own experience to paint a picture of life in a behavioral health hospital. New York Giants Jersey Further, the anxiety with which I’m so familiar helped me craft Brian Cunningham in My Life in a Nutshell. Kentucky Wildcats Stereotypes, stigma, and fear exist in the world in many ways, toward many different people from many different people. Canada Goose Expedition Parka In most cases, these hurtful phenomena aren’t malicious but are instead born out of a lack of true understanding. Nike Air Jordan Future
When we all begin to see each other as human beings who each is facing challenges, be they based in economic status, race, gender, sexual orientation, or mental illness (or many others), we will begin to empathize rather than judge. New Balance 533 femme Compassion is something for fiction and for real life.

Recently, novelist Chris Longmuir invited me to participate in a blog tour in which writers discuss their writing processes. Kyle Arrington My initial impulse was to decline, as this is a mental health blog rather than a writing blog. I then realized that all of my writing, both fiction and non-fiction, is about mental health issues; therefore, I decided that this event does indeed have a place on my website. Below, I answer four questions posed to me about my writing process. It is my hope that this will provide some behind-the-scenes input into what I write and why I write it. Before I begin, I’d like to shout out a thanks to Chris Longmuir for inviting me to participate. She has written many novels, most of them crime novels. Check her out at http://www.chrislongmuir.blogspot.co.uk/.   WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON? While I wait for my fourth novel, Twenty-four Shadows, to be released by Apprentice House Press in the spring of 2016, I’m working away on my next. Like my others, it’s a character-driven novel that highlights a personal attempt to live life amidst mental health and environmental challenges. It’s a woman’s journey that spans a lifetime and two continents. My novels currently available are Losing Elizabeth Leave of Absence My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel   HOW DOES YOUR WORK DIFFER FROM OTHERS OF ITS GENRE? The genre of my writing is contemporary fiction, which is an extremely broad category, and the novels within are varied. It’s difficult to state why one novelist in such a huge genre is different from another. Portland Trail Blazers Perhaps my works are unique for their mission (more on that in the next question). I use fiction for non-fiction purposes. Air Jordan 5 (V) Actually, Leave of Absence was selected as a finalist in the National Indie Excellence Awards 2013 competition in a contemporary fiction sub-category they dubbed “Faction,” fiction based on fact. Air Max Flyknit Hombre Losing Elizabeth was awarded Storytellers Campfire’s top honor in 2014, the Marble Book Award for being a “book that makes a difference in the world.” Kirkus Reviews called My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel “A vital tool for sufferers and their families that broadens understanding of a debilitating illness” and named it to their top books of 2014.   WHY DO YOU WRITE WHAT YOU DO? My goal, through my novels, is to change the way the world thinks about mental illness and the people who experience it. I’m hoping to help increase both factual understanding and empathy. Fiction is a powerful vehicle for teaching fact. Nike Yeezy 2
People connect to characters in novels, and they empathize with them. Commonly, people transfer their empathy to real-life human beings. canada goose dawson parka So I use fiction as my medium for humanizing mental illness, for deepening empathy and compassion.   HOW DOES YOUR WRITING PROCESS WORK? I begin with what to me are the biggies: theme and character. I ponder what I’d like to focus on, what theme I want to illustrate, and then I envision the characters who will help me do this. While I do brainstorm as I create characters, I typically end up “feeling” them rather than “thinking” them. Moncler Homme For example, with Leave of Absence, I wanted to show life in behavioral health hospitals, and I wanted to portray schizophrenia and major depression. In My Life in a Nutshell, I wanted to show how very debilitating various forms of anxiety can be. With each story, I pondered, often with my eyes closed, almost in mediation, how that would play out. As I did this both times, characters came to mind, and with them, deeper issues than I already had in mind. Once I know the characters, I spend time with them in my mind, and it doesn’t take long before I’ve bonded with them and feel close to them. After all, if I don’t feel a closeness to and an empathy for my characters, how in the world will readers feel it? And isn’t my whole point to build empathy and understanding? Once my characters are firmly established in my heart, it’s time to delve into their specific difficulties. While I do have a Master’s degree in counseling and am credentialed as a Nationally Certified Counselor, and while I do live with bipolar 1 disorder and experience anxiety, I never, ever, think that I know it all. That would be absurd! I enter the research phase, a phase I never fully leave until a manuscript has been revised by me, edited by a professional, revised by me again, and re-edited by said professional. Research is an integral part of my writing process. Julian Edelman So are brainstorming and sketching and revising. UGG Classic Sparkles With each and every chapter, I begin by reviewing where I’ve been and where I want to go. Each chapter, as I write, is a step in how the characters are going to get where they need to be. Writing, while challenging, is great fun. Positive psychologists speak of flow, the period in which one is fully engaged in what he or she is doing. In flow, one is focused, and all other thoughts, worries, stresses, and other negative things fall away. asics lyte 3 rosso uomo Finding flow is important for mental health and well-being. I find my flow when I write. Hopefully, that helps me achieve what I’m writing for in the first place: understanding of mental illness and empathy for those who experience it.

  Ironically for a writer, when I first learned that My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel was named to Kirkus Reviews’ Best Books of 2014 and as one of IndieReader’s “7 Books You Must Read in Your 30s,” I couldn’t quite express the magnitude of the meaning this held for me. Clemson Tigers Eventually, though, words and even coherent thoughts began to form. When they did, I understood with clarity that my feelings about this award ran deep. To me, this novel is far more than a collection of words I wrote. The characters, while indeed fiction, represent real people, real people who are struggling. Brian Cunningham is a man living with crippling anxiety. Abigail Harris has been abused and unstable. They are each trying desperately to navigate their worlds, realities that can seem hostile and confusing. Timberland Classic Bottes Their journey to help each other and to connect with others is a rollercoaster. Sometimes it’s hard to understand someone who is experiencing mental illness or mental health difficulties. Sometimes it’s hard for people to understand themselves, or even when they do understand themselves, to help others understand. New Balance 997.5 femme This can lead to a great deal of loneliness and increased challenges. When I write, I hope to increase understanding and compassion, to build empathy and human connection. So when Kirkus Reviews wrote, “As in her previous novels, Peterson demonstrates a tender, notably human understanding of mental illness….[S]he accurately captures the crushing sensations of anxiety disorder[s] while simultaneously offering rays of hope. A vital tool for sufferers and their families that broadens understanding of a debilitating illness,” awarded the novel their Kirkus Star, and later named it to their Best Books of 2014, I felt so many things.     Ditto when IndieReader placed it on its list of only seven books one must read in his/her 30s and wrote, “Peterson’s novel reminds us that there is still much we can learn from (and ways to relate to) children.”  

GRATITUDE

Thank you, Kirkus, for believing in Brian and Abigail enough to select their story to honor among your best. Thank you, too, IndieReader, for deeming them worthy of placement on your list of seven must-read books. Thank you, US Review of Books, for distinguishing this as a Recommended book. Thank you to all reviewers, the professional companies and passionate readers, for taking the time to read this novel and to make comments like this: “A compelling and heart-wrenching read with characters you just want to hold in your heart and never, ever let go…It’s easily one of my favourite reads of 2014. —Charlene Martel of The Literary Word

CONNECTION

Human connection is very powerful and greatly enhances well-being. Brian has severe anxiety and avoidant personality disorder, but his new connection to Abigail makes a difference for him. This is as true in the real world as it is in the fictional one. When My Life in a Nutshell was honored, I felt pleased that this is considered, at least by some, to be a book worthy of reading, a book worthy of connecting to. In writing, I feel as though I am connecting with so many people. I feel shared experiences. Illinois Fighting Illini I’m grateful for the connection I feel through comments like this: “How did Tanya J. Peterson know what is going on inside my head? Can she read my thoughts? Life in a Nutshell hit very close to home for me….I seriously cannot say enough good things about this book. I HIGHLY recommend My Life in a Nutshell for those who are dealing with anxiety, as well as those who want to understand what we are going through. Canada Goose Homme — Teressa Morris, Window on the World

HAPPINESS

Yes, I am happy about the honor of being named among Kirkus Reviews’ Best Books of 2014 and being placed on a list of seven must-reads. Nike Free Mujer But, perhaps oddly, I’m especially happy for Brian and Abigail. Canada Goose Homme I fall in love with my characters when I write, and I never quite get over them. Brain and Abigail are wonderful people who have been hurting for too long. NMD That people want to read their story shows them that they are indeed worthy human beings.

PLEASURE

A bit similar to happiness, true, but here the pleasure feels different from the enthusiastic happiness for Brain and Abigail. I am immensely pleased that My Life in a Nutshell received this honor because it’s a sign that the novel does/will increase awareness of anxiety. It will increase understanding and empathy for those who live with it.   To Kirkus Reviews, to IndieReader, and to all readers and reviewers, I am very grateful that you are reading My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel and that you have opened your hearts to Brain and Abigail. Thank you.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx was a wise man indeed. Four-legged friends aside, books rank among the top contenders of man’s “best friend” list. They’re excellent companions. They’re present when we want them to be. They’re patient with us and non-judgmental. They entertain, inspire, transform, and teach. They arm us with knowledge both intellectual and emotional, increasing our understanding of the world, the people in it, and our very selves.
For these very reasons, bibliotherapy is a respected and effective form of therapy to help people heal and grow. Especially effective for depression and anxiety, it’s helpful for people living with any mental illness – and for those in their lives, too.
Non-fiction and fiction are both used in bibliotherapy because they both have tremendous helping power. Together, they arm people with deep knowledge and understanding – facts and feelings. They help people connect–with characters, information, and even the authors–and know that they’re not alone. With new knowledge and increased empathy for self and others, people can transcend the difficulties they’re experiencing and take action to help themselves thrive.

 
Here’s a peek into what some Amazon.com readers/reviewers have said about the novels Leave of Absence, My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel, and Losing Elizabeth and their ability to heal and connect and grow–to provide bibliotherapy:

• “Although [Leave of Absence] is a work of fiction it captured the very essence of mental illness and also how it affects those around you. It will give insight to those who are interested in this subject and also those who deal with someone who suffers from mental health issues. It is a book that needs to be read by all. I highly recommend this book to everyone, it will not disappoint.” — deb B

• “Few writers have been able to express so sensitively the variations of thought processes that assault patients who are suffering from degrees mental illness. Peterson creates a solid novel here but she also opens doors of understanding so rarely provided for the general public. Highly recommended.” — Grady Harp

• “She gives lucid and accurate descriptions of therapies used to deal with these incapacities, and her novel has given me a greater insight into a 21st century view of how to cope with a problem that has plagued humans for millennia than I had before I read [Leave of Absence].” — Didsan

• “[My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel] is a great and healing read. Love and kindness are two powerful tools when it comes to helping someone or overcoming issues of your own. The author has used those tools to show us two people struggling yet reaching out to each other.” — Sandra K. Stiles

• “I am diagnosed with panic disorder, agoraphobia, and general anxiety. I totally get Brian, and all his calculated steps. My life is calculated to the extreme of where I sit I a room, if/when I shop in a store alone, and driving. But I work EVERYDAY to not give in to these fears. When Brian panicked, I could feel my breathing change, I get it! But I was so angry at him, I wanted him to stop beating himself up and try!! Now, I get it, when my family feels this way.” — Kristin on My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel

• “[My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel] is life for many people afflicted with a mental disorder and the author’s accomplished and sensitive handling of this subject should encourage people to dig a little deeper. Not many of us have been there in the black pit, but we could be. This is a first class read, a deeply thought provoking book, and I highly recommend it. Five stars.” — Fiona Ingram

• “A must read for everyone. Read [Losing Elizabeth] and see the signs of a control freak and signs you are losing yourself.” — darswords

• “[In Losing Elizabeth] Tanya J. Peterson does an excellent job of writing about abusive relationships and the importance of standing by our friends. I believe this book would be an excellent introduction for a middle or high school lesson on healthy relationships.” — Ayla O.

• “I suggest this book to everyone and anyone. This book gives you an inside scoop to a controlling and abusive relationship. This is something that so many people is this world can relate to.” — Shirley Temple

  I’m proud to join the I’m Good campaign hosted by P.E.E.R.S. (Peers Envisioning and Engaging in Recovery Services). This proactive, pro-mental health organization has created this campaign to raise awareness of mental illness — and mental health — issues during Mental Health Awareness Month. Join in and and share how YOU are good!   Like many of the millions of people living with mental illness, I haven’t always been good. My most “ungood” period involved five stays in a behavioral health hospital over the course of a couple years. Under Armour Curry 3 I was admitted for the first time because of a plummeting ability to function in daily life. It was a result of a traumatic brain injury sustained in a car accident, or so I believed. Early on, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety disorder. But that was wrong, I said. I had a brain injury, not mental illness. I grew increasingly “ungood” throughout the revolving-door treatment. I was “ungood” when my employer politely let me go when it was discovered that I was hospitalized, not in a regular hospital for brain injury stuff, but in a behavioral health hospital for mental illness. I was “ungood” when friendships ended. Air Jordan 4 Retro
I’m happy to say that I didn’t stay “ungood.” People are resilient, and I began to remember that I was a person, too (I didn’t always believe that), and as such I possessed the strength to bounce back. I started to become good when I started to take charge of my life and gain control. At first, though, becoming good through taking charge didn’t quite work because I was doing it wrong. I was trying to take charge of my life by ignoring and outright denying that I had bipolar disorder. It. Was. The. Head. Injury. Period. Turns out, it wasn’t. Looking back over my life, it is very obvious that I have lived with bipolar 1 disorder since young adulthood and perhaps even adolescence. It intensified and grew entirely unmanageable and undeniable after the brain injury, but the brain injury was neither the cause nor the explanation. Just the catalyst that led to diagnosis. Air Max 90 Femme
Yet for a couple years after the diagnosis, I continued to live in denial. I went off my medication once I felt stable because of course I didn’t need it. Golden State Warriors I needed it. Symptoms returned with a vengeance. That’s when I finally stopped denying it. nike air max 2017 femme noir And when I stopped denying it, it stopped controlling me, and I finally became good. Doudoune Parajumpers Pas Chere In owning the fact that I do, indeed, have a mental illness, I have taken charge of my life. Parajumpers Masterpiece Roosevelt I willingly take medication because it keeps me good. Northwestern Wildcats And I stopped beating myself up for losing a job because of psychiatric hospitalization. I realized that I didn’t want that job anyway, and I became free to take control and choose what I wanted to do in life. That was a good feeling. I gave myself permission to follow my passion. I gave myself permission to use my experience with mental illness to help the world develop empathy for those who live with it. The novels I write feature characters living with mental illness. Adidas Pantalons I hope to show what mental illness is really like. I do what I love to help increase understanding of and empathy for real-life people who live with mental illness. I have taken charge of my life, and I am good. I am good because I have owned and taken control over bipolar 1 disorder and anxiety disorders. I have incorporated them into my life to help others be good.

  There’s currently a disconnect between understanding mental illness and understanding/accepting the person behind it. We need to look beyond the descriptions and symptoms of mental illness and see the human being living with it. I have a desire to be one of the many people who work to change this. My motivation stems from multiple sources. Professionally, I have a Master’s degree in counseling, am a Nationally Certified Counselor (US), and I’ve worked and volunteered as a teacher and a counselor. Parajumpers Californian Newport Adidas Ultra Boost Femme Personally, I experience bipolar I disorder and various anxiety issues. Chris Jones Therefore, I set out to tell stories to change the way the world thinks about mental illness and the people who experience it. Yes, stories. Nike Air Foamposite Pro Stories of people. My stories happen to be in the form of novels, of fiction. Air Jordan 10 Retro
However, fiction is a powerful vehicle for illustrating fact. Fiction entertains, and fiction educates. It provides opportunities for conversation. Fiction, at its core, is about life and about human beings. nike free run 4.0 homme We often become attached to characters in novels, and we empathize with them. Chaussures Nike Commonly, we transfer our empathy to real-life human beings. Asics Gel Kinsei 6 Homme Jordan Horizon I write my novels with a purpose. Mujer Air Jordan 4 Duke Blue Devils I’m exasperated by the negative stereotypes that exist against mental illness and the people who experience various forms of it. The stereotypes have led to a stigma so intense that it causes discrimination and isolation and can prevent people from seeking the help they need. AIR ZOOM ELITE 9 I like to believe in the best in people, so I don’t think that people are intentionally cruel toward those experiencing mental illness. Instead, I think they are basing their thoughts and subsequent actions on misinformation and misunderstanding. Canada Goose Foxe Bomber SMU Mustangs Jerseys Mainstream media continues to portray mental illness inaccurately: television, movies, books, advertisements, and the news are all guilty of this. FLYKNIT LUNAR3 New Balance 1300 homme The National Indie Excellence Awards committee selected (2013) Leave of Absence as a finalist in their “faction” category—fiction based on fact. Air Max 95 Hombre Recently, Kirkus Reviews awarded My Life in a Nutshell: A Novel their coveted Kirkus Star, a distinction “awarded to books of remarkable merit,” and had this to say: “As in her previous novels, Peterson demonstrates a tender, notably human understanding of mental illness….[S]he accurately captures the crushing sensations of anxiety disorder[s] while simultaneously offering rays of hope. A vital tool for sufferers and their families that broadens understanding of a debilitating illness.” Losing Elizabeth received Storytellers Campfire’s 2014 Marble Book Award for being a book that “makes a significant difference in the world. James White This is a good sign, I think. Perhaps the world is ready to open its collective mind and heart and deepen empathy and compassion.

It’s Valentine’s Day once again. In case you haven’t noticed, Valentine’s Day is a lovey-dovey day. From grocery stores to home kitchens, window displays to wall decor, signs of love are everywhere. Balloons. Banners. Detroit Pistons Bouquets. Cute. Romantic. Canada Goose Solaris Parka Sweet or sickening, depending on your perspective. Air Foamposite One Everywhere, everywhere; signs of outwardly love everywhere. Yes, outwardly love. Valentine’s Day is typically about human beings expressing love and/or friendship to other human beings. Asics Gel Lyte 3 Femme What about love for the self, one’s own person? On Valentine’s Day, would it be outlandish to express love for oneself? What would it be like if we were to proudly declare, even if privately, “I love me!” or what about, “Me, I love you!” I can anticipate some reasons people might have a problem with this. GS Air Jordan 11

• This would be narcissistic!

Actually, to admit caring for yourself is not at all narcissistic. Narcissism is an entire attitude, outlook, and demeanor that affects one’s life and relationships. Narcissism involves putting oneself and one’s desires above everyone else. Air Jordan Spike Narcissism is self-worship. Self-love is merely the acknowledgement that you care about who you are as a human being living among other human beings. Perhaps the strongest case people might have with expressing self-love on Valentine’s Day is this:

• I love me? (Gasp) I love me not!

Sadly, self-loathing (or even self-I-kind-of-have-a-problem-with-me) is rampant in the human population. Joe Namath Jersey According to Dr. Joe Rubino, author of The Self Esteem Book, 85% of the world’s population suffers from low self-esteem. That means only 15% don’t. This is dangerous. What can happen when we love ourselves not?

• We tend to put pressure on ourselves for believing that we “should” do this or that or be this way or that way.
• We might develop a sense of perfectionism that causes extreme stress.
• We might develop pretty intense anxiety as a result of the pressure we put on ourselves and the accompanying sense of inadequacy. We’re putting ourselves at risk for full-blown anxiety disorders: generalized, social, panic, and specific phobias.
• We find it hard to forgive ourselves, even for small, all-too-human, mistakes.
• We might seethe, quietly or overtly, with anger or frustration over our perceptions about who we are/are not.
• We are very likely to develop depression.
• This list isn’t exhaustive. More consequences of the inability to say, “I love me!” can be found here, and this list isn’t complete, either.

So on this Valentine’s Day (and any other non-commercially lovey-dovey day), give yourself the gift of love. Canada Goose Chilliwack Bomber Buy yourself a flower of some sort, perhaps a daisy, and play the traditional French “Love me…love me not” game. But skip the “not” part of it. Pluck petal after petal and tell yourself, “I love me because…” The reasons can be small and silly. Isn’t it the small and silly stuff that we love about each other and the world? The important thing is to love yourself.

A recognition, sometimes even a reward, for a job well done. Is this not something for which we human strive? Sure. Dwayne Harris It makes sense, too. As individuals and as a species, it’s imperative that we constantly seek to grow and improve, and rewards and recognitions can advance us toward our goals. So what is the point here? The point is this: I just began a Toastmasters course, and I’m disturbed by one particular element. At the end of every class, after each person has already been scrutinized and evaluated and given constructive feedback, the class members vote to determine which speaker was the best that day, which evaluator was the best that day, and which extemporaneous speaker was the best that day. The point is also this: what is always, always, always and constantly with trophies and extrinsic rewards in classes such as these? Are these necessary and even healthy? Do they elevate us in a positive way? Sometimes, yes, honors, recognitions, trophies, and the like can help make us better at being who we are. They encourage us. They help us strive for something great, improving our skills, our very selves in the process. A glance at the sidebar on the right will reveal that my writing has received honors and recognitions, and for that I am proud and grateful. Such awards evaluate specific elements of writing, and receiving them (or not) is a form of constructive criticism that helps me grow as a writer: do more of this, less of this, etc. Sometimes, though, rewarding every little thing with a trophy or trinket can be harmful. The trophies given at the end of each Toastmasters class are a type of motivation known as extrinsic motivation. It means that desire for success comes from an obscure place outside of the individual. Take away the trinket, the carrot on a stick, and motivation to succeed and improve wanes. Desire for success can become less about being a better speaker and more about competing with the other class members. The daily in-course evaluations and feedback are most definitely about helping people be better speakers; why destroy that opportunity for growth with a competitive trophy? Intrinsic motivation, extrinsic’s opposite, means that motivation to grow and succeed comes from within. I have a very strong suspicion that every person in that Toastmaster’s class is intrinsically motivated to be there. Each of us wants to become a better speaker, whether it’s in front of large audiences or small groups. At the very first meeting, many people, myself included, expressed high anxiety around not only speaking but simply being in the class. parajumpers masterpiece OWNER Each of these nervous people, who want to grow, must speak on a weekly (or bi-weekly) basis and be evaluated and rated by all of the other class members. Canada Goose Chilliwack Bomber How intimidating! But we want to grow, so we stand up at the front of the room, and we speak. Aloud. To an audience. That itself is deserving of a reward. And guess what? There is a reward. It’s called an intrinsic sense of accomplishment, a feeling of “Oh my god I thought I was going to die but I lived and not only that I gave my speech and people had positive feedback!” This is empowering, and it goes a long way toward reducing anxiety. But then comes the end-of-class trophy. Okay, people. Never mind that you all did it. You all got up and faced your fears. That’s not as important as who-was-the-best. Air Jordan 6 Retro Let’s compete! Let’s compare! Let’s give the trophy to the one person who was better than the others. And excuse me, better by what standards? When we judged at the end of the class, it was completely subjective. Purdue Boilermakers The ballot told us only to write the name of the best speaker, not the qualities which made them “best.” Why? Why put anxious people who are doing their best through an artificial system of who-was-the-best? There doesn’t need to be a “best” in a Toastmasters class! Assessing the best in a situation that already fills people with anxiety can absolutely skyrocket anxiety, and the person with it, into orbit. Have you ever had to speak or even interact with people while in orbit around the planet? I’ve tried, and it’s not very easy. Trust me. I am not anti-reward. canada goose trillium parka I think that honors and recognitions and, yes, trophies have an important place in life. When used properly, they can help motivate and grow. I believe this to such a degree that I have striven for them my entire life (yes, my entire life. Nike Air Odyssey I remember coveting a gluey-Popsicle-stick trophy in preschool, and I’ve been going after such things ever since.) Admittedly, that is part of my problem with the Toastmasters trophies. Air Jordan 1 For Kids I have recently been working hard to overcome my competitive streak (okay, it’s far more than a streak on my body; it’s more like a morph suit that won’t come off). So wiggling such a Toastmasters trophy in front of me is truly like offering a drink to a recovering alcoholic. Seriously. There’s this buzzy, electrified feeling inside me that wants the trophy to prove that I’m good-better-best. But I don’t want to be judged as good-better-best. Canada Goose Homme Pas Cher I want all of us in the class to be able to concentrate on what we’re there for: personal growth. Man vs. man (person vs. person) competition has a legitimate place in our society; however, so does person vs. self competition. This latter is intrinsic. It involves true inner growth. Trophies are useful in a person vs. person type of competition. They do not, however, belong in a self-improvement, person vs. Adidas Harden Crazylight self, type of environment. Sometimes, we just need to forget the judgment and the comparisons and let people be. In all likelihood, anxiety will diminish, and people will grow. The reward for that is a sense of self-efficacy. No engraved trophy for that, please.

A wise, powerful humanitarian, Eleanor Roosevelt’s legacy includes a vast array of wise words to inspire us all to be better people for ourselves and each other. Parajumpers Masterpiece Passport Many people can absolutely live her words and apply their philosophy when it comes to the “each other” part. Sadly, it’s hard for so many people to apply her wisdom and kindness to themselves. Too many people struggle to like themselves.

Mrs. Adidas Veste Roosevelt is right, of course. No one can make us feel inferior without our consent. The problem is that often, we willingly give everyone full permission to do just that. adidas tubular shadow homme And when others don’t actually try to make us feel inferior, we jump in and do it for them.

Counseling approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) identify various negative thinking patterns that interfere with our ability to interpret ourselves and the world. Regarding such destructive thought patterns, one of the biggies is what is known as “discounting the positive.” When we discount the positive, we focus on what we think are negative personal traits, our flaws. UGG Bailey Bow Further, we blow them out of proportion. Beyond that, we get into the habit of ignoring all of our strengths and positive attributes. When people pay us compliments or point out the good in us, we tragically “yes-butting” them away with a flick of the hand.

A great number of people are quick to notice their own faults but slow (if they do it at all) to acknowledge that they have strengths and abilities. Canada Goose Manteau Homme This unhealthy thought pattern is common enough that there is an entire negative thinking pattern associated with it. Indeed, “discounting the positive” wouldn’t be on the list of harmful thought patterns if it weren’t experienced by a significant number of us.

Making ourselves feel inferior really isn’t a healthy thing to do. It leads to increased anxiety, depression, general stress, eating disorders, and more, including physical health problems.

Clearly, living in constant awareness of faults and discounting strengths is unpleasant at best. So what to do about it? CBT gives us this technique: When thinking of our shortcomings, we should stop ourselves and find evidence to the contrary. Air Zoom Pegasus 33 Feeling like a bad parent because of an unpleasant incident with a child? Reflect on all of the positive interactions and realize that the “bad” incident isn’t the only type of interaction you and your child have. Air Jordan 4 Looking for evidence to counter negative thoughts and then replacing the automatic negative thoughts with more realistic examples are powerful ways to, over time and with practice, over come the negative thinking about yourself.

While we’re working on that strategy, we can keep reminding ourselves of Eleanor Roosevelt. ADIDAS ZX 700 Why should we give anyone, ourselves included, permission to make us feel inferior? I admire and respect Eleanor Roosevelt. She didn’t see herself as superior to anyone, nor did she herself as inferior to anyone. Missouri Tigers She saw herself as a person with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. Parajumpers Homme Californian Phoenix That “everyone else” is you and I.

Truly, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Recently, we took a family trip to Disney World. Topping my children’s list of enjoyment was pin trading. Disney sells cute little pins to tourists, and employees throughout the parks and resorts wear their own to trade with guests. It’s typically something that connects people, brings them together in friendly conversation and exchange.
One day, a man brought his own gigantic selection of pins and parked himself at a table to trade with guests. Unlike the Disney employees, he could be selective in his trading and only accept/trade away what suited him. That’s entirely well and good. What was not so well and good was how he rejected my thirteen-year-old son’s trade proposal. The man was harsh and brusque, telling him his pin was inferior and refusing to trade for the one my son had been seeking.
My son was unamused. Okay, he was offended. As we stepped away, he expounded at length at the fact that the guy was mean. People, in fact, were mean—after all, look at how so many pushed and shoved. My attempts to reframe his perspective were unsuccessful. Then, wonderfully, a kind stranger stepped in.

KINDNESS IN THE MOMENT: A TEMPORARY SHIFT OF FOCUS

This compassionate man had witnessed the exchange. He happened to have the pin my son was seeking, so the guy approached him and traded with him. The exchange was quick and simple and profound and significant.
This act of kindness shifted my son’s perspective from the negative to the positive. For my son, the issue wasn’t really about the pin itself. At age thirteen he has transcended a solely materialistic, I’d-better-get-what-I-want, attitude. He’s at the age where he is truly paying attention to how others act and what makes them act that way.
In the span of about ten minutes, he witness disregard for others, and he witnessed empathy for others. With the random act of kindness from a stranger, my son’s perspective shifted. He learned that kindheartedness trumps heartlessness.

PERSPECTIVE: GOOD OR BAD? HOW DO WE SEE EACH OTHER?

For the rest of the day, his conversations returned to this encounter as he processed “bad” versus “good.” In talking this out, he was making sense of a fundamental human issue: do we see each other as basically good or as basically bad?
Of course the issue of human nature isn’t as simple as one extreme or the other. No single person is all good or all bad. Some people, though, do seem to use their character strengths of humanity—love, kindness, and social intelligence—well and often.
My son, being just thirteen, is straddling a great fence. On one side is the dichotomous thinking of childhood, as in “The pin trader is simply a big jerk. People are big jerks.” On the other is the integrated thinking of older adolescents and adults.
This seemingly simple event, where one man ridicules a kid for having an inferior pin and then turns him away but another man approaches and offers a trade, had a profound effect on my son. As he talked about it all day, he was accommodating all of this new information into his existing understanding of the world.
He learned about others, that some are more pleasant than others. He also learned a very important life lesson. He is beginning to internalize something I’ve been teaching my children since they were small. We can’t control what others do, but we can control our reaction and our attitude. A big part of that is determining our perspective. How are we going to see others?
Was the pin-trading gentleman a jerk? Maybe. Or did he act like a jerk in the moment? More likely. We don’t know enough to judge from that single interaction. It is evident, though, that the man who spontaneously sought my son out to offer a trade did so out of a sense of caring and compassion for a kid he didn’t even know.

INTERNALIZING IT ALL: CHOOSING OUR OWN PERSPECTIVE

It’s a choice. We can focus on the negative in people, in life. Or we can focus on the positive in people, in life. The kind stranger that day in Disney World helped shape my son’s perspective; he learned to focus on the positive. Rather than fixating on the negative interaction and dwelling on how harshly he was dismissed, he zeroed in on the compassionate man.
Focusing on the good in people helps us see more good in the world. It inspires us to nurture the compassion in ourselves. These, in turn, enhance well-being.
And Disney thought the pins were all about money.